How did you define your teens milestones

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
How did you define your teens milestones
6
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 2:46pm

As I wander blindly through the first year of teenagerhood with 13 yo dd, I've *finally* realized that we, her parents, need to give her concrete guidelines for the growing up milestones. Apparently "you're not dating until you're 16" isn't specific enough these days. What makes up a date?

I would love to know how you BTDTs defined the rights-of-passage with your teens. Specifically, after reading daddio's post about weenie boy, I'm thinking of dating, driving, etc.

We recently had a discussion about going to the movies in groups and that a 16 year old girl is not a chaperone for a bunch of 13-14 year olds. So we defined chaperone as someone 25 years or older. Even further--the chaperone must go to the same movie, in the same theater, at the same time as the group. This rule holds until she is at least 15 and applies to all activities (no dropping them off at the mall or indoor amusement park or whatever).

We've defined a "group" as 6 or more kids because DD tried to invite "some" friends over and it ended up being good-for-nothing boyfriend, another girl and her boyfriend, which is a double date by our book and therefore not allowed yet.

We're also not planning to allow her to get her driver's permit this summer, even though she turns 14. She is simply not responsible enough yet. But I don't have any good way of measuring that. We are going to make driver's ed a requirement and she can't take it until summer after this one, so that helps some.

Do any of you have/have had similar rules that make the teenage years a progression of privileges? Wanna share?

I guess I feel that laying them out now, in detail, will prevent years of battles.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:26pm

I'm wondering what state you live in if your dd can get her driver's permit at 14. Here in California, they have to be 15 1/2, and have completed a driver's education course. They must also take a driving course from a private, accredited driving school (this isn't done in the schools like it used to be when I was a teen) and log approximately 80 hours of driving with a permit. You must be 16 to get your license, and they have recently change the law so that a 16-year-old licensed driver cannot drive with anyone else other than family (like a younger sister, etc.) for a year after getting their license (was 6 months). My 16 yo ds has ADD, and is not very responsible, so he hasn't even managed to complete his online education course. Its up to him to do that, if he wants it badly enough. My feeling is that just because you are 16 it doesn't mean you are ready to have your license.

As for the dating rules, I wish you much luck on that one. I also told my dd she couldn't have a boyfriend (she just turned 14). The result was that she just didn't tell me about it when she did, and still doesn't. This occurs mostly at school, but sometimes after school or at their friend's home (where the parents may not be as strict as you intend on being). Kids are really sneaky these days about dating. Its just not like it used to be. Most parents seem to say that their teens can go out in groups and not on "solo" dates until they are 16. My ds has yet to go on a solo date (still into group dating, etc.) so I don't have any BTDT experience. DD apparently has "boyfriends" at school, but no one has come a' callin' yet...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:43pm

I'm in KS and here you can get a permit at 14. That means you can only drive with a licensed driver over 18 in the car. At 15 you can get a restricted license--to and from work/to and from school only. No passengers unless they are siblings going to the same school. If you violate that you lose your license until you're 21. Then at 16 you can get your regular license. (We used to have a farm license that you could get at 14 and if you could convince the police officer that you were headed to a farm-necessary activity you were legal to go & do whatever. Scary, huh?)

There have been some changes recently. I *think*, I could be very wrong as I haven't completed the research yet, is that you have take either Driver's Ed or X number our hours with a parent to progress from permit to restricted. However, in our district Driver's Ed is a summer, 6 week course with limited time on the road.

I wish they would change the laws and requirements here! They say our kids are growing up faster, but I feel that they are more immature and naive than we were at their age (I'm 34) but we put them in control of a 2,000 lb weapon. And there are many more cars on the road now, traveling at faster speeds, than when we were 14.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 4:47pm

I would have loved to have something that gave similar milestones to those when they were babies but I don't believe they really exist. Each teen is very different. I have raised 3 teens and never had a no dating until 16 rule. Sorry, don't really understand it as even when I was a kid (in the olden days), we had b/fs & g/fs at 6 or 7. Interesting though that none of my kids dated until they were closer to 17 or 18. They all had their share of g/fs & b/fs from grade 1 on. The kids in our neigbhourhood ran in groups. I always encouraged my kids to have their friends to our place. Unfortunately, DH didn't support this as his parents never allowed them to bring friends home. So our kids had a lot of confusion. If Dad wasn't home, then the house was full of kids even those I didn't like as it was easier to watch them at our place.

I would suggest that you make sure you stay in touch with your DD and her friends. Don't try to be their friend but make sure your DD knows she can come to you regardless of the problem. My DD tracked me down when she got a call from a friend who was trying to handle another friend who was drunk. They were all 14 and I went to pick up the 2 girls with my DD. I made the 2 of them stay with their sick friend (cleaning up) until the girl's parents came home. This was a great opportunity for my DD & I to chat about life. I explained that she could always talk to me and I would help. I would not lie for anyone but would do my best to help everyone.

Unfortunately, I lost touch with my youngest DS's friends when he went to highschool. I believe this is the main reason we had so many problems with him between 15 & 17. If I could do it over again, I would overrule my DH and have these kids in my home. That way, I would have known them & been the one supervising them so maybe life would have been easier for DS.

Good luck, the only milestone that I can really agree with for teens is that they believe all parents are stupid from the time they turn 15 until they are 18. Each year they age after that, we get smarter. Dee, Mom to 25 yr, 23 yr and 19yr.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 5:26pm

You are right on the mark by establishing rules and guidelines for your young teen.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Thu, 01-12-2006 - 5:47pm

Dee,

My DD is the type to push and push and push. And right now she's concentrating on doing as much as fast as she can. I try very hard to be in touch with her and her friends--what a challenge! And I totally agree that every child is different. I have to battle all the time with other parents allowing their kids to do things that I don't agree with. If I can somehow illustrate what will be acceptable and when my DD will have more of a framework within which to live and will know that I'm not changing the rules on a whim. She also won't have to ask to do something a million times because we've already communicated the expectations. AND she can make mom the bad guy if her friends push for her to do something she can't do yet.

It would be nice if the innocent rules of bf & gf still applied, but it seems like you can't be a gf unless you're moving up the sexual behavior ladder. The kids in our area don't tend to run in friendly packs--even when they're in groups they're paired off.

I'm in a similar situation in that my DH doesn't appreciate having the kids around. He agrees with *idea* of having them around, but in reality doesn't enjoy it much. I do override him for the very reasons you mentioned.

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 11:17am
I like your comment on making Mom the bad guy, it certainly worked for my kids. They used it many times when they needed to get out something they knew would get them into trouble. However, I will admit they didn't use it as much as I would have like them to but it was an easy out. All their friends thought I was a real witch and their parents knew I was extremely strict. Good luck, Dee