Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!
8
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 10:25am
13dd just called from school to tell me that she might be kicked off the bus.....again. She couldn't give me the details but of course it wasn't her fault. My step-sister-in-law who is 12 and been living with us for 9 months because DFACS took her away from her grandfather/adoptive father (another long story), was walking down the road and the bus driver wasn't going to pick her up. My dd aparantly did something to "make" the bus driver pick her up, she just got kicked off 2 months ago for being disrespectful and not doing what the driver told her to do. The driver is not strict or unreasonable and has let her slide a lot of other times. She seems to be getting worse with her attitude and I am at a loss, right now she is on restriction for 5 weeks for various other offences. We have a family counselor that comes twice a week, but it doesn't seem to be helping too much. DD was taking Zoloft, but decided that she wasn't going to take it anymore because it didn't help. I can not fight with her every day and "make" her take medicine if she doesn't want to. I feel sad and hurt and like I am losing my mind most days. I don't have ANY support, most of my family thinks I "deserve what I get" for adopting someone elses child. My husband thinks that I "need to get her under control" before she gets any older, but isn't there to help and anything I say to him turns into him lecturing me. Oh well, it could ALWAYS be worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 1:39pm

"My husband thinks that I "need to get her under control" before she gets any older, but isn't there to help and anything I say to him turns into him lecturing me. Oh well, it could ALWAYS be worse."

Ummm....excuse me....did he also sign the adoption papers? YOu might want to show him the papers in hard copy and tell him it's his child too and he has to help you with this problem. "United we stand, divided we fall" is a lesson I too had to learn about the kids. My children now have a mom, dad, step mom and step dad breathing down their necks to do stuff right and when they dont' they get grounded in both houses.
That makes me so mad that husbands and fathers think it's the mom's job to handle all the badproblems and they can cop out.
Give him a smack in the arm (or other body part, lower) from me and tell him that he wanted this now he has to deal with all that it entails, good and bad. He's being a jek!!

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 4:20pm
Therin lies the problem. He didn't sign the adoption papers, my ex did and we havn't heard from him in 3 years (child support goes through recovery before I get it). My now husband did however decide to marry me and when he said I do I assumed he was agreeing to the package deal. Obviously he doesn't think that way though, wish he did. That makes it VERY hard on me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Fri, 01-13-2006 - 5:56pm

hmmmm....he knew the children were there when you got married. Show him your marriage certificate and tell him if he wants you, then he needs to help you.

Prayers to you, and I was wrong before, he's not being a jek, he's being a JERK!!!

My husband and I got married in JUly and he went from zero kids to 3 step kids and he knows that I need help, because if he does not help, it hurts him in more places than just the bedroom... he knows if Momma aint' happy, neither will he be happy....

LARK

Avatar for momtolizabeth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 12:57am

Don't *ever* let anyone tell you that you did the wrong thing by offering a home and love to a child!

I know it can be hard, to 'raise someone else's child' ... but how in the world can someone fault you for trying to help where you are needed??? That makes me so angry that your family isn't behind you.

So sorry things aren't smooth right now, I wish I had some words of advice!

hugs,
Becca

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2005
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 6:21am
first I am going off the deep end with; good for dd for 'looking out' for her "sister", with that being said, it sounds like she went about it badly........... my mds is 13 and does not and never has had a 'filter' between his brain and his mouth, which lands him in trouble with authority figures more often than anything else....we work on "presenting" things in a postive , or suggestive manner, and for a long time I wouldn't let him tell me what 'trouble' he was in unless he used "i" sentences, so he would have to recognize his blame in whatever( ie,,,,, I said the teacher was blah blah, i hit my brother b/c,,,,,,,,, instead of my teacher did this , or my brother hit me) ...... they do get their side out but, this way they have to tell the WHOLE story.... if the Dr thought she needed Zoloft, and she thought it wasnt helping, maybe he could try something else.... then give her a six week insentive (most meds needs this long to show results), if she takes it for 6 weeks faithfully , you will do 'x' ( a day shopping, or something she wants) and then after you make it the 6 weeks, discuss w/ her how she feels about the meds and what if any postive effects youve seen, and maybe she'll choose to continue it,,,, this worked with mds and adderall, he fought it tooth and nail, but once he got the benefits, he'll call me from school, if he forgets pill......... also some antidepressents are taken before bed, easier to moniter and less nausua, etc for dd, just a thought, hope this helps! k-
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 12:32pm

hi and hugs. first of all - kudos to you for opening yoru home and your hearts to a child who needed both.


as to your dd - i am sorry for your troubles. my son was off and on meds for a while and let me tell you - there are definately ways to 'make' your child take the meds. IF *you* are sure that this is what she needs. I have come to the conclusion (after my son WAS on meds and for a while i DID believe it was helping) that these meds are nOT the answer. they cause other problems and mask the real problems. but - that's me... i don' tknow what your dd's issues ARE and why the doctor prescribed ZOLOFT. but if you really believe that she needs it - you need to force the issue. try explaining it to her -or try bribing her, or try other consequences.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 01-14-2006 - 6:58pm

Don't have any great insight here, but wanted to send you a (((HUG))) Sounds like the two girls are giving you a really hard time!

I like the idea of "bribery" - not just for medication, but also for other things - actually I think of it as rewarding good behavior. Can you make a deal with your DD or SIL where they do something you want and you do something they want? It could be like - take meds for 5 days and get a new CD or extra computer time or a decrease of current restrictions......

Good luck!!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:18pm

I have found that grounding for a long period of time only serves to frustrate my DD more and then she acts out more. Would it be possible to let her have a night off grounding for good behavior or in exchange for a major chore done well and without complaint? The incentive usually encourages good behavior and it lets DD know that I understand and have considered her thoughts and feelings in the process. I also like another poster's ideas about working out a deal in exchange for her medication but you might want to discuss changing her to another medication as well.

Good Luck!