Son with social dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Son with social dilemma
6
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 11:09pm

My son is recently 15 and a hs freshman. He's a good student, not very social by choice but gets along well with others. He has a friend who attended another middle school. Last year, they did fine with the limited contact and enjoyed each other's occasional company. However, this year they attend the same school and now this boy has "attached himself" to my son. He follows my son everywhere - lunch, sports practice, you name it. My teen is getting very annoyed. I've been around this other teen enough to see how he could, indeed, be annoying - he talks constantly, has an opinion on everything, and likes to give advice. He has alienated other kids as well but somehow feels safe enough with my son to cling to him. On the other hand, my son does enjoy him in small doses and has said so himself that he's not a bad kid, just limited in social skills.

It has reached the point where I've started to see my normally mild kid say some mean things. Every night we hear ".... is SO annoying." We've told our son he doesn't HAVE to be friends with this boy but needs to be kind to him.

One complication is that this kid's father is always inviting my son to go places with them. The father sees that his son is struggling a little socially and likes to encourage contact with my kid. My son will sometimes go and have a good time but then needs a break from this other kid.

Help, help! Any advice???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 12:10am

We had the same problem in grade school with my middle DS.
The other boy had such social problems, I had to step in.
I'm not sure how severe your sitution is, but if your DS is his ONLY friend, that is indeed a clear sign.

It's one thing to befriend the loner, the misfit, to go against the crowd and see a quality in another person that no one else chooses to see.

But when that good quality of your child becomes the smothering focal point in someone elses mental health issues, when desperate parents seek out your child at any and every opportunity, it's time to take some definitive action and not feel guilty about it.

I think it's really very important that you explain the difference to your DS so he can internalize how one is admirable, the other isn't helping anyone.

I'd also give him some specific things he can say and do to remain kind to this boy, but clearly set limits. Sounds like your DS is as kind soul who rightly struggles with offending and hurting feelings. He needs your help, support and guidance in dealing with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 7:17am

Sounds like your son is very sweet (don't mean to embarrass him lol). I agree that one thing you can do is help him figure out how to respond. I agree with you that "you don't have to be friends, but can't be mean" is a great lesson!

One thing that occurs to me is this other boy may not be able to read the social cues that tell him your son needs a break or doesn't want to talk at a particular time or whatever. Some kids (and adults) don't read the subtle social signals (like looking away, sighing, saying 'well, gotta go' etc) that let people know we're done for right now. Maybe there's some things your son could say to make it more clear to the other boy. My DD had a friend last year who called every night (a boy, but not a romantic thing at all). She tried hinting that it was too much, but he didn't get the hints. Finally, she told him she liked him as a friend, but he was calling too often.

Your DS can help by pointing out some of these social rules explicitly - and tell the other guy what is OK, and what is over-the-top. If your son can say this in a non-confrontational way, he'll be doing this other guy a favor - teaching him how to be a real friend.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 11:33am

I could just about written this post myself about my DD and a male friend at school. We have had quite a few discussions about him, one as recently as yesterday. I hope more advice pops up here, because we need it too.

In the case of my DD, she befriended this boy on the first day of school. She knew no one going in on the first day and spotted this boy all alone, so she introduced herself to him, had lunch with him, etc. and the boy has STUCK to DD and while she has gone on to get involved in campus activities and make friends, he has not and he relies much too heavily on DD for companionship, tells her she is his only friend.

She has learned that he is OCD and I imagine there are other issues as well as he has been excused from some class assignments that are time consuming and tedious. He has NOT picked up on her cues that she does not want to eat lunch with him every day, does not want to be his girlfriend, DOES want him to go away. He parks himself at her locker every day before school, at snack break and at lunch break. It is very difficult for her. Her friends are encouraging her to just 'tell him off and to go away'. DD went through a very rough period in 8th grade and is therefore very sympathetic to other people in similar situations.

I keep telling her that I am proud of her for resisting the urge to be mean and hateful. She says she is physically unable to say 'no' to this boy and feels guilty when she actually has plans for lunch that do not include him -- choir practice, club meeting, etc. She recognizes that he does have issues that prevent him from being more social, from picking up on social cues, etc., but she is really getting frustrated.

I'm waiting for advice on this one, too! Good luck.

Jules

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 2:56pm
This is tough, and I had problems like this myself when I was a teen, and my own DD has experienced this, too, but not so much because she isn't that sweet (unfortunantly). It would be ideal if your child could just say, "Look, I like you as a friend, but I think you need to make other friends besides me." However, it's probably not that easy. It's usually the sweet kids who deal with this and they are more concerned with hurting someone's feelings. Best of luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 3:21pm
Your son's friend is my son...well, not literally, of course, but the description certainly fits. I think you are already handling it exactly right. Since I know what my boy has been through before he came to live with our family, I have a lot of sympathy for his odd behaviour. You have no idea what problems your son's friend may have...past abuse, rejection/abandonment fears, anxiety disorders, depression etc. That doesn't mean your son needs to put up with a clingy nuisance, but he definitely shouldn't be mean or reject him harshly. It's great that your son want ANY contact with this boy! I wouldn't discourage him from venting to you (as long as he isn't saying the mean things TOO the boy). I think if he is willing to spend time with him, he could try an approach of "Sorry, I'm busy today. How about we eat lunch together on Friday?" or whatever. That'll give the other kid something to look forward to, and make it easier for him to take "no" for an answer. Warn your son that he'll probalby have to be very firm, though! He doesn't need to make excuses or give reasons, just an assertive "sorry, I can't".
Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 6:45pm

Your DS does not have to accept every single invitation that he receives from this boy and his dad. An occasional "no thank you" is allowed without being rude. This will then allow your DS to hang out with others and will maybe force the other boy to seek other friends.

Mily