Follow-up to lying and forgery incident
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 03-09-2006 - 9:21am |
Thank you to those who responded to my post of last night. I appreciate your in-put. My daughter happens to be a chronic liar (but not a very good one, so why she continues is anybody's guess). Anyway, I took her cell phone away many weeks ago and she is not getting it returned to her until she goes 6 weeks without telling a lie. The best she has done so far is 3 days. The forgery is another matter, but I have decided that nothing would be gained by telling the teacher. ALL of my dd's teachers, as well as the guidance counselor and school psychologist, are aware of the challenges I have been facing with her this past academic year, and I certainly didn't mean to imply that I expected the teacher to recognize the forgery. If anything, I know that they are doing their best with the limited resources that they have. (BTW, my daughter is currently carrying 2 Ds and 3 Fs in her core classes, so one more F is not going to phase her). However, I HAVE "sentenced" my dd to community service for the forgery and she will be picking up litter at the local park this coming weekend. Also, as a way of background, my dd is diagnosed ADD, but the school will not recognize her as special needs or as qualified for a 504 learning plan. I am moving her out of the public school system after this year, and she will be starting high school at a private school this fall (one that can more appropriately meet her needs).
Thanks again!
Amelia

I'm a little concerned that DD can not earn her cell back until she goes 6 weeks without telling a lie, but the best she can do now is 3 days.
This is such a frustrating time for you and I applaud your efforts. I have a DD that lied about anything and everything just b/c she could. About 2 years ago, I put a stop to it and now I get more truth than I want sometimes. Grounding or taking away cell phone or computer didn't work with her - it only made it worse b/c she would get so frustrated that she would lie worse. So we gave her manual chores to do - 1 for each lie. My windows were really clean in 2004, so was my garage. MIL had very shiny silver and the church had nicely laundered alcolyte robes. DH or myself would assist her with the chores and we didn't discuss the offense that got her into it. We praised her for a job well done. She wouldn't be allowed to go out on the weekend until those chores were completed.
We also went through a rough time with the grades. I talked to her teachers every Fri. If she missed an assignment or made below a C on it, she was to stay in on the weekend until it was done to mom's satisfaction (whether or not the teacher accepted it). The point was to teach her the material. She also has ADD and needed to learn how to study. We found her a quiet place with no activity. She can listen to the radio or a CD to drown out household sounds. When she has a reading assignment, she literally writes notes as she's reading to keep her focused on the material. She is about to graduate - 12th in her class (with an honors diploma) out of over 300 students.
Please be patient and consistent with her. I agree with Rose - for kids with ADD, the punishments seem to work better if they are short-lived and the kid can see the results quickly. Consistency from you is hard but it will work.
Good Luck and please let us know how things go.
Thanks to both you and Rose for your comments - I have taken comfort from your empathy! But there is really no need to be that concerned about my taking the cell phone away from dd. It has, for the most part, been a non-issue; and for now, she seems satisfied with just using the house phone. (In fact, it has had some positive consequences, such as dd acting less secretive around the house!).
I have, however, been doing some more thinking about the ADD issue and am now exploring the possibility that she is truly not intending to lie in every instance. Because of her impulsive tendencies, I am seeing that she says things before she even "thinks" about what she wants to say. Therefore, I am trying to be more patient with her and am taking time to make sure she actually "knows" what she said before I accept that as her final answer. So far, it seems to be helping. I am also not trying to get too excited about her school work, as I am hoping for a fresh start this fall. We have visited the private school I want her to attend, and next Monday she is going to spend the day there. This school has an excellent reputation in our community; it specializes in educating students who are under-performing in a traditional setting (and those who have ADD/ADHD); and 86% of their graduates go on to college! Therefore, I am cautiously optimistic at this time! :-)
Like you, I did try the "chore" consequence; but for us, it strained dd's and my relationship even further, so I stopped. And yes, I generally agree about short-lived punishments, and try to give those kinds whenever possible. It sounds like you are doing a great job with your dd and that she is lucky to have a mom like you!
Amelia