Many Questions- 13 y/o DD. HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Many Questions- 13 y/o DD. HELP!
16
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:33pm
A little bit of background...
My 13 y/o dd has always known how absolutely gorgeous she is. She has alwys been athletic, and girly. She is boy crazy. She is the "helper" for the boys baseball team.
When she took up being the "bat girl" for the team, I called the coach to find out if it is legit, he said yes, she is helpful.
OKAY- Long Story..
SO, yesterday she came home upset. Her and her ther bat girl friend were tormenting the guys, and the guys retaliated, but only against my DD. She says they were grabbing her and carrying her around. They poured water on her (she was wearing a white shirt),they took her cell phone and tried to put her in the trash can. When they realized that it was not funny to her a few of them backed off, and one of them got her cell phone back for her. She told DH about some of it, but not that they grabbed at her boobs and butt. I told her we need to tell the coach and her dad everything. SHE SAID THAT IF I SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT TO THE COACH OR ANYONE THAT SHE WOULD NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING AGAIN. Most of they guys involved were text messaging her last night apologizing, that it was a joke gone too far. She said it made her mad and she let them know never to do anything like that again.
The other thing...When she was curled up on the ground trying to get them off of her (I know, it sounds as awful as it is)her shirt was raised a little showing her tummy. One of the guys touched her stomach where all the skin was rolled a little (She is only a size zero)and he said "Look at that, what's that?" So now she thinks she is fat and wouldn't eat anything but an apple for dinner and no breakfast. I managed to get her to take some crackers to school incase she got hungry.
I looked through fitness magazines with her pointing out all these other women and girls trying to get her to understand what normal abs look like, reassuring her that she is perfectly normal. But she thinks something is wrong with her.
So, I don't know what to do about her tarnished body image or this assault from these guys. I am hoping this is just a passing phase and that she doesn't develope an eating disorder over it. And about this physical attack, she says that she has handled it. If I call the school about it she says it will ruin baseball season, and possibly end up on the news! I was thinking about calling parents and leaving the coach out of it. I feel like it is a serious situation. Am I over reacting and blowing out of proportion? I am worried that if I say anything I will loose her confidence.

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Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 12:47pm
Oh wow, that must have been a surprise for dd. BUT... live and learn. Sounds like she may have been the main one provoking the guys and maybe the other girl was going along with it too. Boys can be strange creatures when they are going through puberty and sometimes get out of control. The guys apologized, which shows they respect her. And she made it clear that she didn't like it. I wouldn't go to the coach or dad with it. Because she made it clear to them that it was NOT okay, chances are things will all mend themselves and the guys will probably apologize some more. Regarding the tummy comment, if she really seems obsessed about it, have her body fat measured at a fitness club. Surely she will see how low her body fat is (especially if she is athletic). Don't make a big deal out of it though. You could kiddingly say, "How fat can someone who wears a size 1 be?" and leave it at that. I had an eating disorder in HS and the more attention on it, the worse it got. The above comment helped me put things into perspective. Chances are, she will accept herself... it sounds like she is pretty confident. Things should smooth over in no time.
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 2:26pm

Your DD and mine are very similar. My DD is 13, always known how attractive she is, and developed before most of the girls her age. So she has always had the attention from the boys. She likes to flirt and kid with them and I can *so* see her doing exactly what you described your daughter doing.

I agree that if she made her point and the boys got it and are apologizing and sincere I don't think I would take it any farther. It's so hard to judge from the outside but I think we (society) tend to make things bigger than they are by reacting too quickly. Not that the boys should be allowed to behave that way, but that the kids need the chance to find the natural pecking order, cause and effect, and consequences that come from their behavior. Learning how far they can push is a lesson girls are better off learning at a younger age.

Hugs to you. Stay strong. I think it's great that you are weighing the importance of your daughter's ability to trust you enough to tell you things against talking to the coach or parents and ending up with her embarrassed and upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 3:05pm
Why isn't she on her own- the girls- team?? I'm sorry about what happened, but maybe the boys thought it ok- even though it's absolutely NOT- since she's there as their support i.e. bat girl. If she's already boy crazy at that age & I know mine was too, she needs to be finding things to do that recognize her as an individual, not in relation to boys. I know I sound hard but I went through something somewhat similar with mine & had to teach her to be proud of her OWN self not in relation to anybody else.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 3:09pm
Thanks for the input, it has helped me put things into perspective. I will try to lighten up, since she definantly provoked them. Like the earlier post said, live and learn......I think both sides learned a lesson on flirting gone out of control....
My DD does enjoy the drama, hopefully she will let it blow over.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 3:14pm
DD isn't on the girls team because she doesn't play baseball(DD plays soccer for the school team and for area soccer clubs). She is friends with alot of these guys, and her and a couple of friends decided this was something they wanted to do. I talked to the coach about it and he explained to me what she was going to be doing with the team and I felt like it was okay.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 5:01pm

This won't win me any friends but, here goes. Your daughter learned a valuable lesson, play with fire and you will get burned. Better she learns now that you act provocatively around males, you will have to deal with the consequences. I am NOT excusing the boy's behavior (I have 2 boys). Girls and women need to learn the very important lesson of having dignity and respect for yourself which means not getting yourself into a situation like this in the first place. Fast forward 6 years from now and she is still provoking men or compromising herself, how will this play out at a frat party when alcohol is added to the mix?


Another thing, your daughter needs to hear it loud and clear that she does not define herself via the opinions of others, ESPECIALLY males. I say this both in terms of her physical appearances and her acceptence as a member of any group. Further, she should question her motives for relegating herself to "bat girl" basically the servant to the males. I am not a militant feminist, I just call it like I see it. Your daughter is an equal and I worry she doesn't see herself that way. Explore the basic root of WHY she has this orientation and the eating and confidence will follow. Good luck. Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 5:15pm
Thanks Betty, I hear ya!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 03-10-2006 - 8:11pm

I could see my DD 14 doing the same thing re:provoking the boys, and then being upset when they got carried away. DD is the baby of my 4, and the only girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 7:07am

i read the responses and i must say that i am quite appalled. while its possible (probable) that she PROVOKED these guys - she IS 13 and she WAS assaulted by a bunch of boys. what they did went beyond 'teasing' - touching her boobs, pouring water over her white t-shirt - this was too much, IMHO. yes, its true that your dd is growing up and needs to learn to treat people with respect - but she also needs to learn that SHE should be treated with respect - her body is her body and NOBODY has the right to assault her and then hide behind "teasing' or retaliation.

I understand that she is terribly embarassed by this - but i am wondering if she is not scared that it will happen again. if the boys got away with this, this time, then who knows what will happen next time - to her or to someone else. you are her parents - and you need to protect her. Sit down with her and assure her that you would not do anything against her wishes but the coach and principal do need to knwo what's going on. i wouldn't call the other parents either. you need to convince your dd that the school needs to know about this - even if no actions are taken against them.

I don't have a girl - just a boy - but if he would have EVER done somethng like this to another kid (boy or girl) - boy, he would be in real trouble with me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 8:09am

I'm with SK on this one I don't know what she and her friend were doing to "torment" the boys (but I suspect it was fairly typical 13yr old stuff), but nothing justifies their behavior and it doesn't matter if your dd is gorgeous or if people throw milkbones to her on the streetd.

I'm glad some of the boys realize they went too far and apologized but that is not enough. Don't cave in to your dd's "threats", tell the coach. He needs to address the team as a group and inform them, in no uncertain terms, that their thinkly-disguised joking borders on assault and harassment.

You will set a very good example for your dd if she sees you standing up for her.

jt

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