Moving State w/ a teen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2006
Moving State w/ a teen
5
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 7:39pm

I would really appreciate your input on this if you have any.
Just this past Tuesday my DH was made redundant, we live in a small town of 12,000, 4,000 of whom are employed by the same Co, they are downsizing bigtime and the chances of him finding employment here are slim to none.
We have 3 children 14 y/o DD, 8 y/o DS and 2 y/o DD.

Here's the thing my 8 y/o is very sad to be moving but 14 y/o is devastated beyond belief, just this school year she finally got in with a group of awesome kids, they hang out all the time and add to that she has had the same boyfriend now for the past 7 months. In her mind her life is over, she hasn't gone for more than a hour in the last 3 days w/out crying, she's struggling w/ the boyfriend thing, he's very popular among the girls and has a whole slew of them just chomping at the bit to get to him once she's gone. Last night he broke up w/ her but then a few hours later called her and told her he didn't want to break things off w/ her afterall, she is on a roller coaster ride of emotions right now.
Honestly I think it would be easier for her to break things off with him now, it will be easier on the 2 of them if it happens now rather than when we move in the Summer, but she is toatlly against that. I don't want him dumping her and making her feel worse than she does already but who could blame him if he did ?
Last night she was at a very low point and was talking to her friends about cutting or worse, saying her life sucks, what's the point anymore.

Anyone have any advice ? There is so much going on w/ her right now it's not funny, I'll save the rest for another post.

TIA,

Penny

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 2:11am

she's 14, she moves where her family moves, and then she starts over, just like everyone else in the family. Her life as she knew it IS over. But things are gonna be so much different for her the next 3 or 4 years. She can be who she wants to be in her new school. She can choose things to be different this time. My 14 year old vowed to hate me for life if I made him move across the state. He was a pill for several months, but he did eventually get over it, move on, start over, make new friends. That was 3 years ago. I think it helped him to point out that he and I were both leaving the place we'd always called home. We were both leaving our friends. We were both gonna have to start over. That I was sad, too. And that him being a butt head about it wasn't gonna make the move any easier on anyone and would, in fact, make it a much more difficult move. However, he also didn't have months to stew about it. We found out in late Feb that we were moving the end of March.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 10:55am

Has he found a new job? Do you know where you are moving and when?

I would let her enjoy her time with BF and deal with what happens when it happens.

When DH was downsized in 96, he didnt call me and tell me. He called a headhunter and about midmorning said headhunter called the house and left this message that made no sense to me

I had no way to reach DH but called my best friend who listened to the message and assured me there were multiple possible reasons for the message and it was unlikely DH had lost his job

Then she hung up the phone, called her DH, and said "R lost his job"

She later told me she knew darn well he was jobless from teh message but why ruin the rest of my day? Id be dealing with it soon enough!

Years have passed and I appreciate that response more now than I did then!

DD'slife is going to change-it's a given. But there is no reason to make her deal with it now; let her enjoy herself and only talk about the job/move if she asks a question

This is one for the adults to handle

JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 12:01pm
She's 14 - she'll get over it.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 8:04pm

I am so sorry for what your family is ging through. I am urging you to look at the big picture here - your dd is understandably upset (she is not "devastated" - victims of terrorism and natural disaster are devastaed - she is upset), but she will get over it. Think back to when you were 14 and the things you thought were the "end of the world"... I'm guessing you think they're not quite so important now.

Keep it positive with her and your other kids. Don't allow her to focus the spotlight on herself (I have a 14yr old - I KNOW how they can somehow direct all the energy in the family back to their teenage selves!). As to the bf, I'd simply back off from that. You don't want to romanticizie the whole moving away thing....chances are the relationship will have run it's course by then anyway without any parental involvement.

I wish you well. It must be a very difficult place to be for you.

jt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 8:14am
Well I can certainly relate- my 14 dd had to move away from her school and friends a year ago when my dh needed to find a diferent job. At the time we were also moving our oldest dd who was close to starting her senior year of high school and ds who was 7. Suprisingly our oldest was OK with it- however we had moved every couple years for dh's different jobs while she was growing up so she was used to having to be the new kid. Our 14 dd had an all-out fit and even pushed the FOR SALE sign over in our yard when we first listed our house. I think what helped us was DH and I were a totally united front and made it clear to all 3 of them that this was best for our family as a WHOLE. Honestly I think there are some major pluses to moving- my oldest started college this year and she adjusted quite quickly and likes the idea of travelling and going places on the weekend- whereas her roommate who never moved in her childhood was very homesick and had a very hard adjustment time. You could point out to dd that every time she starts a new school level she'll be the new kid too- ie.- starting high school, college etc. Life itself has a lot of change and adjustment- moving can be good preparation for that. Take care and try not to get sucked into her emotional drama too much. Nancy