I could just spit!!!! Long post!

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Registered: 07-22-2003
I could just spit!!!! Long post!
7
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:20pm
Hi all,
I used to participate on this board a lot, but haven't for a while. A few weeks ago I posted an update on what is going on with my kids. Now I need to post to vent a bit.
I am really upset about a situation that came up yesterday. Kelsie, my dd, 16 yrs. old, was invited out for the evening by a friend for this girls 16th b-day. There were 6 girls going, the parents rented a limo for them from 7:00 - 12:00. I told Kelsie that I needed to talk to the mom before I would even think of letting her go, she told me that the older sister was going to take them out and chaperone and would be calling me. She did call me and I had a nice long convo with her, turns out she is married, 30 yo and assured me that she would keep an eye on everything that was going on. We live near Buffalo, NY so Canada is only about 20 min away. There is an area just over the border called Clifton Hill and they were going there. We were there last summer with friends and had a great time. There is Ripley's Believe It Or Not, a haunted house and tons of other places. Connie, the sister, told me she was taking her friend with her, they would go to the Rainforest Cafe and the 6 girls would have a table and she and her friend would have another one, to give the girls some space. That's fine with me, then they would go do some activities.
Well, first of all, after school a group of kids went to Tim Horton's for a snack, I picked up Kelsie and her friend and drove her home. Once we dropped of her friend and were on the way home, Kelsie tells me that Stephanie, the b-day girl, told them to bring between $30-$100 with them. Come to find out they were expected to pay for everything themselves. I couldn't believe it, how can you invite them out and then expect them to pay for it? They should have saved the money from the limo and had a normal party, they would have had money left over. This was a huge Hummer limo that they had. I told Kelsie that I would give her $20 and that was it. She could use it for a birthday gift or for dinner, but I wasn't adding any more. Luckily she just had her b-day and recieved quite a bit of money as gifts so she had money. She ended up buying a gift for about $12 and spent about $30 in Canada. I don't know if anyone even helped them out with the exchange at the restaurant or if they didn't realize that it was in Canadian on the bill. Hopefully someone explained it to them and they didn't over pay by a huge amount. 2 of the girls claimed to not be hungry, but they probably just couldn't afford to buy anything for dinner. They both nibbled on Kelsies food.
Putting the money thing aside, I was even more upset when Kelsie came home. The sister apparently went to Starbucks with her friend and the girls called and checked in every half hour. I'm sorry but if you take a group of 15+16 yo girls out and say you will be chaperoning, you need to be in the same place as they are. Then Kelsie told me that they were riding along in the limo and they saw this group of "really hot guys" and one of them told the driver to stop and they got out and talked to these guys. OMG! what were they thinking? How could they just let them stop and talk to some guys on the street? Then there were they guys that stopped them and asked them if they were out clubbing, they didn't let the guys know they were only 15+16 until the limo came to pick them up and they had to leave.
I had no idea that Connie would let them just walk around like this and be out there like they were ready to get picked up. I know Kelsie thinks I am being over protective and she thinks that at 16 she is all grown up, but she has no idea what goes on in the world.
Today I was out to lunch with my mom and SIL and nephew came to meet us. Joel, DN, asked "Who's the spoiled brat that had a Hummer limo" Kelsie had text messaged him that she was in a Hummer. They do this kind of thing often, she is very close to Joel, he is 25 and has a good head on his shoulders. When I told him where they went he almost fell of the chair. His reaction was "That is no place for 16 yo girls to be walking around" Since it is in Canada the legal drinking age in 19 and when he was 19 he used to go there all the time. Apparently it is a huge drinking and pick up area. He was appalled that these people took the girls there and then let them out of their sight. I was even more upset then. If they are allowed to do this at 16 what will they be doing next year? Renting male stripers? I told DH that this will never happen again, she won't be going to any kind of party that isn't at the kids house or a local restaurant. I always check to be sure parents are home etc. anyway, but here I thought I had covered the bases. Wrong!
Now how do I impress upon my 16 yo dd that this is not the behavior I want to be seeing? Going out and "picking up" guys on the street. She had a great time last night, how do I know she isn't doing this kind of thing at other times? Yes, I do trust her, pretty much, she is a good kid, but I'm not crazy enough to totally trust her. Like I said she is a good kid, but there are always influences that can sway a good kid. I am not crazy about some of the kids she is hanging with right now, most of them are great kids, but there are a couple that I really don't care for. Now this whole situation happens and that throws a wrench in everything. I don't know that I can trust her to do the right thing if she is with some of these friends. She already knows that we will not allow her to sleep over at anyones house and she doesn't like that. I do allow her to have them over here to sleep over though. At least I know I am in charge of the situation and I know what they are doing and where they are.
Well, enough of all my ranting for now. Thanks for listening. Any comments, advice etc are welcome.
TIA,
Kristie
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Sat, 03-11-2006 - 11:05pm

I think I might start with Connie... she did NOT live up to her obligation, nor what she told you she would be doing.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-12-2006 - 2:31am

"Now how do I impress upon my 16 yo dd that this is not the behavior I want to be seeing?"

This is the one thing that jumped out at me. I'm sure you didn't mean it the way I read it, so I thought I'd bring it up because your dd might hear it the same way I did. would you rather SEE this behavior, or have it hidden from you. Might be better to think and talk about it as unacceptable behavior. Talk to her about what could have happened. Find out what Canada thinks about girls prostituting themselves. I know that's not what they were doing, but judgement is in the eye of the beholder. Frankly, there is no way in h*ll I'd let my teen leave the country for a birthday party. I don't care if it's 20 minutes away, it's a different country, with different laws, different rules. I don't even want my DS leaving the state and we are 5 minutes from the Idaho border!

For your dd, I'd probably pull up all the current news stories about abductions, rapes, murders of teen girls and of adult women. Women who actually are all grown up, and still manage to innocently get themselves into a dangerous situation. We moms aren't worrying because we have nothing better to do with our time. We aren't worrying because we are making this stuff up. It's all real stuff, real scary, and really worrisome.

Basically, I'd tell dd no more parties that aren't at a PLACE where you can meet the parents face to face every single time. No more going out of the country without the same rules (meeting parents face to face) and NO parties where she is expected to pay for all her own stuff.

If she was 6 and invited to a Chuck E Cheese party, the inviting parents would pay for tokens, pizza, cake and all the fun stuff. This is no different. The girls were invited to go to dinner and stuff. Dinner should have been included. If there was an entrance cost to an attraction, that should have been included. If they were just shopping, that is different, but just shopping isn't a party.

For the record, I hired a limo for my Ds's 17th birthday last year. It picked him and a handful of friends up from school (I was there...) and took them to eat at Red Robin. I provided about $60 in gift cards, so he could pay for everyone to eat. Then the cruised around town and dropped him at work when it was time. Then the other kids were returned to the school to pick up their cars. *I* paid for everything. It wasn't cheap, but it wasn't any more than the average CEC party! I also spoke with every single parent, so that they were all very clear about what would be taking place. They all understood that I wasn't going to be present. I contacted Red Robin in person, spoke with the manager so they knew he was coming in. They all behaved themselves and had a blast, drinking coke out of champagne glasses, toasting each other and other students at the school, who really, really wanted to know what they were drinking. Rumors spread fast that they had alcohol in that limo, but they didn't, I know because I stocked it.

Over all, your story disturbs me greatly. Keep talking to your dd. You are doing a great job. You never know for sure when your words will stick out and make a difference.

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Sun, 03-12-2006 - 8:30am

momtb4, no i didn't mean it the way that it sounded, I don't think I would ever say it in that way to Kelsie knowing that she might take it the same way you did. I guess she is just learning and growing, the main thing is that she doesn't realize what could happen to her and her friends. One of the funny things with Kelsie is that even when I don't see what she is doing I end up knowing, because she tells me. She tells me just about everything, for now anyway. She told me about the boys, she told me that Connie didn't stay with them etc. She still doesn't "hide" what is going on and I hope it stays that way. Although sometimes I don't want to hear it, I really do, KWIM? I just wish it didn't happen, but if it does I do want to know about it.

We will definatly not be doing any more parties where they aren't at the girls home or a restaurant. I do always meet the parents face to face and I did this time too. Mom and Dad and sis, Connie all seemed on the same page as me, but obviously they weren't. I hate that I can't trust any of the other parents. This kind of thing seems to be happening more and more. When I was her age we could sleep over and our parents would know that there was no fear of us doing crazy stuff. Now, I will only let her sleep over at 2 homes where I am close friends with the parents. Otherwise, who knows what they will let the kids do or where they will be allowed to go.

And this thing with paying their own way, I just never would have thought that it wasn't all going to be paid for. Learn and live I guess. I compared it to Kelsies party, it would have been the same as charging the girls $1.00 for every slice of pizza that they ate. Well, I have learned a few lessons with this one didn't I?

Rose, I think you may be right about Joel being protective. He thinks of Kelsie as a sister, but you know what. I will let her think in this incident that he isn't being overprotective. Now from what he said etc. I know that the area they were in is one big pick up area. Luckily nothing happened to these girls.
Love the story about the car and N. It does sound a bit like Joel. I guess it is good to have someone looking out for them, but maybe they are looking out a little too much.
Thanks for all the comments etc.
Kristie

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Sun, 03-12-2006 - 9:09am

I understand completely why you are angry. Obviously yours and Connie's idea of "supervsion" are not the same. I would have expected her to be in the limo.

Now, about Joel - ignore him on this subject. He's in that weirdly-awkward place of being old enough to say he's btdt, but twoo young to understand the nuances of being a parent.

If I were in your shoes, I'd let Kelise know there wouldn't be a repeat performance of this, but I would also be sure to let her know that I appreciated her honesty. While the idea of the girls getting out of the limo and talking to the "hot" guys is appalling to us grown-up women (and men!), to your cortex-deficient teen it was perfectly acceptable. I would gently remind her that this is not a good idea, say a prayer of thanksgiving that nothing happened and drop the matter. You cannot make her see things your way - at least not until she develops a cortex of her own!

You did the right thing, given the information that you had.

jt

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Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:27pm

Today I happened to have alittle time alone with Kelsie and had a little talk with her. I asked her if she understood why I was upset about Friday evening and she said "no" I just told her that I thought Connie should have kept a closer eye on them. We didn't get into a lot of detail, she just doesn't get it how dangerous some situations can be. She said when they stopped to talk to the guys on the street, they would never have gone with them or anything. I won't bring it up again with her, I will just not let this situation come up again.
I did let her know that I am glad she talked to me about it all. She is invited to 2 more sweet 16 parties in the next few weeks. One of them she doesn't want to go to and the other is at a girls home and her mom was the only one that made sure things were okay at our house when Kelsie had her party. This girl told her "Your mom can call my mom or she can bring you to the door if she wants" One of the other girls there said "I wish my mom would do something like that" When asked why she said "At least I would know that she cares where I am and what I'm doing." Out of the mouths of babes.

Kristie

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Mon, 03-13-2006 - 2:29pm

First of all, let me say that at some point you will have to trust your DD. I know she's 16 and I would have double checked and done all the things you did. Be proud that your DD told you about all this. She probably wasn't exactly sure what she should have done at that time - either stay at the limo alone with the driver or go with the girls. Not a good choice either way. Praise her for telling you and then use it to discuss possible alternatives.

I have to throw in my over-protective big brother story. I was just a little over 15. Mom and dad had gone out for the afternoon and a friend (17 y/o guy) called and wanted to go to the movie. He had just broken up with his g/f and just wanted to get out of the house. I had a broken leg and also wanted to get out. There is no way this could have been considered a date. My older brother got to the door before I did and told him I had changed my mind and wasn't going. Thankfully Tony knew my older brother and knew how he was and told him he'd like to see me anyway so I could tell him myself. We had a blast at the movie - no holding hands, kissing, not even a shared bucket of popcorn. My brother grilled us both the minute we got home. Mom had to intervene at that point and make my brother back-off. I swear if that brother hadn't gotten married I'd still be living at home.

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Mon, 03-13-2006 - 5:36pm

Love that overprotective brother story.

We did talk about how proud I am of her talking to me about these things. In fact she talks to me about everything, pretty much. We were just talking about her friend who is just turning 16 also and the fact that she is having sex with her bf, I asked if her mom knows about it or not. She was shocked and told me No, most of the other girls don't tell their moms anything, but I tell you everything Mom. They don't trust their moms. I feel bad that there aren't more girls who have a good relationship with their mom. I guess that isn't the right phrasing, I guess I should say a more open relationship with their mom. That is one of the reasons that I am trying not to over react with her, I don't want her to stop telling me what is going on, because she is afraid I will freak. Sure is hard to not freak sometimes though. I am getting better at listening, digesting and then going back and talking. Unfortunatly she is very good at reading my facial expressions.

Kristie

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