What Now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
What Now?
2
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 9:34am

I am so hurt and confused! I am so worried about my daughter. Not just with the guy she is with but her in general. I do think the boyfriend she has is wrong for her. But my concern also is the way she just feels like she HAS to have a boyfriend and even if a guy likes her she clings to them and starts liking them before she even gets to know them. I have told you about her changing waht she likes and dislikes based on what her boyfriend likes. But that is not the only thing I am concerned about. I am concerend because we cant go more than 15 minutes without phone calles, him calling her and her calling him even while he is "at work".

I asked her to start keeping a journal and she didn't want to. Then this morning I picked up a notebook where she started writing in one saying I was making her do this and that I was pushy and sufficating her. Sometimes I know I do push but when I see her ruining her life because she has to make a phone call or has to be with this boy it scares me. An example is she has always worked hard on basketball pushing herself to exceed. This Thursday she is trying out for a college team, a dream of hers ever since she started playing basketball. Any time before this she would be in the gym working on her shooting and dribbling skills, but now because she wants to be with him I can't get her to the gym. She hasn't picked up a basketball in two weeks. She doesnt want to go on her senior trip because she will be gone a week. it's like she gets obsessed. She is 17 and will be graduating in May and will be 18 in September, so because of her age I don't know what to say or do. I know I keep asking for help and I just need support because I feel like I may be pushing to hard also.

I do think part of it is boyfriend bringing her down to his level. He dropped another college class because he doens't want to get up that early in the morning.(class starts at 8) He is already on academic probation but now says he knows how to play the game and will use his adhd to get through. Can he use his adhd to get a job and support himself or will my daughter have to do all this. I am just praying at 17 that she will mature and see things. When I questioned her she just said being married to him will be no different then it is now because they will work all day and just see each other at night. When I tried to tell he r that marriage is different she just walked away. I really don't know what to do at this time espeicially about the phone calls and things.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
In reply to: ks13mom
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 10:42am
There is not much you can do about it. She knows how you feel. You may be better off backing off for a little while. She is going to have to experience some failure or hardship before she will understand what you are talking about.. and then be sure you don't say anything that sounds like "I told you so." It's not that uncommon for teens to be on their cell phones constantly. If he gets in trouble when she calls him at work, he'll let her know. If he fails out of college, she will see that he wont' be able to get the kind of job she'd like him to. Be careful you don't turn it into a power struggle. This relationship will probably last longer than you would like it to. Acknowledge that with yourself, be unhappy about inside and then just step back. Eventually, she'll probably realize her BF is not husband material... but it could take a long time. There's not much you can do about that. It IS her path to walk. She'll figure it out, have some regrets, learn and continue on. By the way, when there is nothing else you can do, praying helps. That is something you CAN do. Best wishes.
Deb
Debbie
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
In reply to: ks13mom
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 1:13pm

I don't really know the whole situation with your dd but I have seen a couple of posts and have a general idea. I agree with the previous poster that it may be time to step back. I know that it is very hard to see our kids making decisions that appear to be mistakes, especially when we are afraid that they will ruin their lives.

By step back I mean force yourself to be less involved in the day to day stuff like how often she talks to her bf or how her bf is doing in school. Focus on the things that affect the big picture of her life. Is she maintaining the grades etc to get into college? Is she keeping up with her responsibilities to home and family and elsewhere like work or church or friends? Is she a nice person? Is she doing things that could truly ruin her future, like substance abuse or criminal behavior?

You mention your concern regarding her marrying her bf and him being able to support them...do you have real reason to believe that they will elope when she turns 18? (I assume that you would not pay for a wedding at this point!) If not then I wouldn't be overly concerned just yet about them marrying. If you are not willing to pay for college for a married dd then make that clear to her. It doesn't have to be about the particular bf but rather that you feel strongly that she complete her education before marrying anyone. She will become objective about the good and bad points of this bf when she is ready to, and not one day before, regardless of what mom says. The less that she feels that she needs to defend him the easier it will be for her to admit to his faults and decide whether she wants to deal with those faults long term.

As for the college basketball tryouts, I would ask her if she is still planning on doing it, and if so does she feel ready? Unless you can say something that you are sure will act as a positive motivator then say no more. She *knows* what she needs to do and what you have said so far has not spurred her on. If she doesn't make the team she will have to live with the disappointment, which can be an opportunity for her to think about what she is doing and "learn from her mistake" without you having to say a word (let natural consequences do the dirty work!).

I know that this kind of "letting go" is very hard to do, especially when we have been very involved in our kids' lives, and it may be harder with moms and daughters. Your role as a parent is changing and now is the time to start practicing! Hang in there!