Teen daughter advice
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Teen daughter advice
| Tue, 03-14-2006 - 11:48am |
This is my first time here. I hope that I am on the right message board to discuss this. I really need some major advice. My daughter is 16, and won't be 17 until August. She has had a steady boyfriend for about 10 months. He comes over here every weekend. They don't go to school together. Also he lives about 20 minutes away so he spends the night on the sofa in the living room.
Well this morning I went into her room to make her bed and a little book fall open onto the bed and well I had to read what it said. She said that they had SEX!!! I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH!! I know that one day she would, but not yet. I really don't know what to do. Do I confront her? I can't tell my husband he'd flip!! Did they use protection?? Now I can't trust that they won't do it again.I know that they will.
I really need some advice!!
Well this morning I went into her room to make her bed and a little book fall open onto the bed and well I had to read what it said. She said that they had SEX!!! I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH!! I know that one day she would, but not yet. I really don't know what to do. Do I confront her? I can't tell my husband he'd flip!! Did they use protection?? Now I can't trust that they won't do it again.I know that they will.
I really need some advice!!

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I'm not trying to make light of this, but why are you surprised? You've provided them the opportunity. At this point, I would confess to dd what you have found, and make an appointment with an ob/gyn. Tell her that while you don't approve of her having sex and will from now on not allow bf to spend the night on the "couch", you are certainly not going to allow her to ruin her life with a teen pregnancy. Tell her she'll be tested for any STD's she may have caught as well.
I don't have any btdt advise as others do here, but I have learned so much from them (thanks, you guys!). I can only imagine how you must feel. I would be sick to my stomache, too! ]] If you've talked to her about this as it appears to have, you can't blame yourself. You've done your part, and she will make her own mistakes and has her own life to live. Hopefully she will come to regret it and change her mind. In the meantime, make it as difficult as possible....
Thank you Pam! I've learned alot from coming here from all you moms (and dads). Hopefully when the time comes for me to deal with all this, I won't lose my head, but I doubt it!
Your post really moved me. As the mom of a 16 yo who will be 17 in August, dating a guy for over a year..... This rings true to me. I am not sure if DD has had sex, and I often lack the courage to discuss the issue.
I am responding to you because I read something recently that may help. Yes, you need to explain to DD all the risks associated with unprotected sex. However, simply stating to her that an unplanned pregnancy can 'ruin her life' may not have much meaning. You need to be very specific. Explain to her what her life could be like and what it would be like with a baby. If she has a particular interest at this point in her life, further explain how exciting her life will be when she enters college and later has a job in her field of interest, etc. For example, if she likes graphic design or dancing, she'll be missing out on certain opportunities that go along with those interests.
I hope this helps you.
Hugs,
I agree with the others but wish to add something. I would explain to her that she may feel some guilt over this depending on her religious beliefs. Also explain to her that sex was meant to be a gift given from one spouse to another. How special does that gift become if you've given that same gift to someone else already? She may not "hear" this from you. My DD didn't hear it from me. Our youth director put together a panel of college students and let them talk with the teens about sex and abstinence. It had a huge impact on DD and she has changed her mind is not sexually active any longer. I don't know if this will last until marriage but hopefully it will last until she is more mature and ready to accept all that goes with sex. BTW, I have been the mom of a sexually active teen and I totally understand how you are feeling. I made it very, very clear to DD that even though I don't approve of pre-marital sex if she was going to do this, I wanted her to be on birth control. She couldn't just outright ask me to take her to the doctor so she e-mailed me. I made the appt and e-mailed her back. I went with her and that was probably one of the hardest moments as a mom I've had - I felt like I was selling her soul to the devil or something. But I had to face facts and do what was best for her.
Oldest DD has a wonderful attitude about pre-marital sex. She feels that if the guy is willing to not have sex with her now and love her anyway, they will be a stronger couple in their marriage and if necessary for whatever reason, they will survive if they can't have sex. If he's able to not have sex now and remain faithful to her, he will remain faithful to her if their marriage gets rocky. She is almost 24 and her b/f is 34. He has had a few live-in g/f's in the past and at first he didn't like her idea and she asked him 'how has that worked out so far for you? Let's try it my way and see.' He agreed and they are still together 2 years later.
I have always had a no guys in the house alone rule and even though I know youngest DD and her b/f have had sex I haven't lightened up on it b/c it is my way of subtley saying I don't condone this and not in my house.
Think through what you are going to say and if necessary write it out first. It will help get your thoughts together. Then talk with her honestly and with love. Try to set aside any anger you feel - it will only shut her down. She has been given the info about pregnancies and STD's at school so I personally didn't dwell on that. I focued more on the emotional, relationship and religious issues that pre-marital sex can bring on.
Good Luck and hang-in there. The days will get better.
ok, she's 16. that's not too soon. worry if she was 10. i do agree w the ob/gyn- any girl, seuxally active or not, should go to one. i would have her go to planned parenthood as they are very informative and open minded. have her check out www.scarleteen.com. i like this site, very open minded and informative.
as far as the bf staying over, i'd let him. it's better off if it happens in your house and she gets the experience now than making totally irresponsible decisions when shes in college. i have seen this happen. i lived on the streets in high school and had far more common sense than my college-bound peers. besides, it's better she does it at home than in public and risk getting in trouble for indecent exposure like i did.
i remember the time my mother went through my room and found condoms. it turned into a huge fistfight. she totally freaked, being catholic and all, and had raised me to believe that you should use birth control only when your married. she thought she was being liberal. it was the worst advice i had ever received! i had unprotected sex first and was very misinformed. it took some screw ups and experience and the free clinic for the homeless to get my head on straight. am i mad at her still? no, she was just following what she knew, she didnt know any other way. funny, but of all things, now i am the one teaching her and yes, she left the catholic church.
she will get mad if you tell her what you found. i got mad at my mom. i felt like my privacy was invaded and i had no personal space. we would drink and fight a lot. i would take this in baby steps. tell her you want her to take care of herself and have her go to planned parenthood. if she asks why, dont mention what you found or if you think she's had sex or not, act like you dont know. let her come and tell you- if you create this nonjudgemental, open environment ahead of time, she's more likely to be honest with you and trust you much more. when my mother spied on me, my trust for her went out the window and i started lying left and right to her. i must say that this situation is not easy. i would stress the importance of using protection. if youre not able to do this, have planned parenthood talk to her.
Okay, and would you also let your teen drink and do drugs at your home so that they don't do it on the "streets"? And where would this stop? Would they be able to do anything they want in your home? By the way, how old are you? 13?
I know from experience these situations can be difficult. I sit down with my child and start an open discussion..ie how are things going at school, would you like help with homework, etc. Then I would ask about sex. What do you know, and have you ever had sex. Whether or not she admits it matters less than what she thinks she knows. then I would discuss the pros and cons...stds, pregnancy, aids. Then the emotional aspects, how many guys "love" you, and if you loved them. Keeping it somewhat light.
THEN, since her boyfriend is only 20 minutes away, I see no reason for him to be sleeping on my couch. I have lived in a large city, and the country, and 20 minutes is not difficult to drive. You could also offer to "escort" him, driving your car behind so he doesn't...
Just remember you are the parent, you love your daughter, and you are older and wiser. And...this is important...she may thenk you someday.
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