Motivating a 14 yo boy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Motivating a 14 yo boy
37
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:35am

My son, 13 1/2 is in 8th grade. In the fall he will be entering high school. He is a smart kid who does not work up to his potential, which I understand is fairly common among boys. It seems that there are a lot of boys in that category around here. His grades are ok - he is an A-/B+ student (more B+ B lately, though), and that is with minimal effort. He says he is doing the best he can, but he really isn't. All his teachers say he has the ability and his father and I feel he does as well. I've talked with him until I'm blue in the face and just don't know what to do anymore.

My biggest concern right now is math (he is taking Algebra as an 8th grader, which is typically a 9th grade course). He has a solid B sometimes a B+ but he makes a lot of stupid, careless errors. In fact, the vast majority of points taken off on his papers are computational or careless. In order to take Honors courses in high school (math) he needs to have a B+ average for the year, and I really don't think at this point he will be able to do it. I just want him to have the option, whether he actually takes the honors classes is another issue that we'll deal with later. Anyone who has been there and has some advice would be appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:48am
my son is now 16 and in the 11th grade...in 8th grade he chose not to take the prealgebra and jumped right to algebra...well that was a mistake because he was then struggling with C's and i spoke w/his teachers and they all said the same thing..you have to have the foundation course to beable to master the algebra I..well, one of the teachers recommended that my son go straight to algebra I and the others did not...it was our choice and because my son pressed it so much that he wanted to and thought he could do it, he could not. he needed the foundation..it was a struggle and he pulled a B..he is usually a A/B student and makes honors..now in 11th grade, he is back to A's in algebra ..so the basis is a struggle and once it clicks, he will be fine but my son was also careless becasue he was too relaxed and thought he knew it and when he finally realized he didn't know it as well and needed to concentrate more, he was find...just a note. my son does not apply himself the way he should. it's down right lazy and i take part of the blame..studing is an art and he never really learned to "study" cuz he always breezed through his tests up until 9th grade.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 8:59am

they don't have pre-algebra here; it is simply algebra. He has been in the accelerated math classes since 5th grade; they probably cover some of the pre-algebra concepts.

We have some pretty heavy-duty honors courses in high school that I would like my son to have the opportunity to take, but if he doesn't walk out of this class with an 88 average he won't be able to (it is the pre-req).

Like your son, my son got by with barely studying up until now. He'd get an A or a high B no sweat. His math teacher describes him as a kid who has the ability but doesn't break a sweat. Many of the teachers have remarked on this problem; that these kid hit a wall in 8th grade because all of a sudden they have to study.

Studying is an art, I agree and he has come a long way with that. We are trying to tell him not to wait until the night before to study for a test, to review his notes and chapters every night, and to memorize certain things - close his eyes and try to recall. If he can recall, he can move on; if he can't recall he needs to study some more. I know that if he put more time into it, he could do it; he just doesn't seem to want it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 12:51pm

Don't take this the wrong way, but this sounds like "helicopter parenting" to me. If you don't know what that is, google it. It's been on the news lately. By the way, yours is not by any means the first post like this - its just the one I've chosen to respond to. It may be that your ds will not get into the honors courses in high school - and he may just live through it, too. It has to be "his" consequences, after all.

If I see one more post about teens who "barely make an effort" and pull A's and B's, I think I will scream! If I were you, I would make sure he keeps this to himself or he won't have many friends.

And by the way, did you know that the world is run by C students? And I'm not just talking about Bush, either.

Food for thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 12:53pm
Maybe your son is happy with just gettnig that average grade..as parents we want our children to excel and be the BEST they can..we push them and that's what they need because most kids and there are exceptions, most kids won't push themselves to do their best and get those high honors. i often tell my son...find out when your tests are and i will help you study..alls i hear is ok mom and never does it but he some how Aces the tests..."a likable child but likes to entertain the class" that's what i've always heard. our boys are smart and they know it but maybe they arn't putting their fullest into it JUST BECAUSE..my kid i know is lazy and his motivation is the on line games he plays w/his friends...in the end, they will be fine, i would not worry too much. they are smarter than the average bear lol.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 3:14pm

If I see one more post about teens who "barely make an effort" and pull A's and B's, I think I will scream! If I were you, I would make sure he keeps this to himself or he won't have many friends>>

If, what you're saying to me is not to complain about A's and B's then that is a very insensitive thing to say. I came on this board for advice on a situation I am very upset over.

I know what helicopter parenting is and you are in no position to decide whether this is it or not. As a matter of fact, I have been so hands-off until this year that I think that is where the problem is. I always felt it was his work and he was responsible for it. He always did it and did it well, but this year he has slacked off.

If you think that he should keep it to himself because his classmates are doing worse, again an insensitive thing to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 4:20pm

Well, that's actually not exactly what I said, but you're right, that was an insensitive thing to say and for that I apologize. I also apologize if I believe that in the grand scheme of things your son's problems appear to be fairly minor. But you don't know my situation and why your post struck a chord with me, and for that you are certainly not to blame. As I've said, yours is not the first post like this nor will it be the last. It's only the one I responded to, kind of like the proverbial last straw.

As for the helicopter parenting, I guess we will have to agree to disagree...

Hopefully you will find some other helpful btdt advise here, obviously I have not btdt. I could have never pulled A's and B's with no effort, nor can my children. But you know what? My life has turned out quite alright, and dh and I do financially much better than many A+ high school honor class students (including BIL who cannot hold down a job with a genius level IQ) and college graduates we know. Go figure.

Just a different perpective for you....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 6:31pm

Your ds sounds just like my younger ds.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 6:46pm

I had never heard the term "helicopter parenting" so

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 10:00pm

Thank you for your kind response. My son actually is very disciplined as far as getting his work done. He always gets his homework done, and really is very conscientious, never needs reminding etc. I asked his English teacher if she would recommend him for Honors English and she said she could not only because the average wasn't 90 (its about 86/87). She said other than that, he comes to class prepared, gets his assignments in on time,etc. all the good things. She felt he would rise to the occasion (of pulling up the grade) if he really wanted to take Honors English. Really, the only area he falters in is test-taking. He simply does not study enough. That is the problem in a nutshell. He will be taking Honors Bio and Honors Spanish next year, and depending on his Algebra grade Honors Geometry. I don't want to overload him freshman year since he plays a lot of sports and will want to have some fun, too.

We had a long talk today and he really feels he is doing his best. My response was if that is how he really feels, then either he has the ability but doesn't know how to fix the problem (maybe a Sylvan Learning center would help here) or he simply doesn't have the ability. I then said his teachers feel he has the ability, and both his dad and I do. He's the only one that feels that he doesn't (if he is doing his best).
He then said he thinks it is that he gets nervous taking a test, so we are trying to come up with ways that we can combat this.

What I am hearing, though, with other parents of boys in 8th grade is that this is happening across the board. So, at least I am not alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 03-16-2006 - 10:06pm

As for the helicopter parenting, I guess we will have to agree to disagree...>>

I'm not going to get into a debate with you on this; this is a support board, but how can you judge that I am 'helicopter parenting' when you know nothing about me or my son except for a couple of paragraphs I posted. That is a broad assumption, and there is nothing to 'agree to disagree' on.

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