Don't know what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2006
Don't know what to do....
6
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 10:04am

Hi all,

I don't know if I'm even supposed to be here because I'm actually a stepmother. I've posted messages on the Stepmothers board, but it's not a very busy board. They have helped me, but I need more thoughts. Sorry if I'm not supposed to be here, I just don't know where else to post.

I am a new stepmother to a just turned 13 year old girl. DH and I were married February 25th after two years of dating. While dating DSD and I had a great relationship. I never was a disiplinary figure, but I did have autority and she respected it. She would sometimes confide in me things that she wouldn't tell her father. I would give her the best advice or knowledge I could and it always seemed to help her. We would go do things together and we would talk and laugh. Up until recently she always talked about wanting to come live with us instead of living with her mother.

A few months before the wedding she got in trouble at school for ditching a class. Both her mother and father took action and her last report card showed a huge improvement. Well after the wedding, she brought home a letter from her teachers saying that she had dropped again, she has 3 F's, 2 D's, and a C in her classes. In digging deeper her mother was told that she constantly passes notes in class and when she gets caught and gets detention, she ditches that. She mouths off to teachers all the time and has an attitude with everyone according to the Principal. One time in class a teacher caught her passing a note and told her to bring it to him, she refused and dropped in on the ground. After he told her to pick it up she looked at him and yelled, "No, I don't have to and you can't make me." and stormed out of the classroom. She's already dressing in the punk clothes. She where's a spiked dog collar around her neck for pete's sake!

We were supposed to have her this weekend, but she called DH yesterday and told him that she didn't want to come. He told her that he wasn't going to yell and punish her for what has transpired at school, but that he would like to talk to her and atleast see her, but she still refused. He mother (who is a piece of work, I'll explain in the next paragraph) didn't act as a parent and said that it was her daughter's choice. Hmm, wonder why she's ditching. Don't have to go to school because it's my choice whenever there is something I don't want to do....

Her mother had her at 16. Her and DH would have probably stayed together, but her cheating and drug habit was just too much. I don't blame him for that either. He's been trying for custody for the full 13 years, like he'll keep going back every couple of years, but it's always awarded to her. I've heard that California leans more towards to mother, even if the mother has problems. One guy DH was talking too once while at the court house just lost his case and his ex was in jail! She was awarded custody while in jail. Can you even believe that. We do know that up until about a year and a half ago she was still using cocain. DH said that he feels she has stopped since her behavior is alot better. Plus, her new fiance would throw her out on her ear if she was and heaven forbid she doesn't have a man in her life. Her mother was married 8 times and is currently going through a divorce, so she'll probably have husband #9 soon. DSD has told us that her mother has slapped her on occasion too for fighting with her little sister.

I know that my DSD is growing up in a very disfunctional place and I'm sure that's where this rebelling is coming from. I would hope that she would enjoy coming here, where it's not, but for some reason that's not the case. I don't know if she's not wanting to come here because of me. I can only imagine the things her mother is telling her about me and DH. Things like "They're married now, they're going to go have kids and forget all about you, your father isn't going to be around anymore and he's going to have a whole new family that you won't be apart of or included in, she's going to push you out to make room for their kids." blah blah blah. I wouldn't be surprised.

We've talked to her about how things aren't going to be different and she's still apart of our family and lives, but if she believed her mother there isn't anything else I can say. I was hoping this weekend we could go get some stuff for the room she stays in while here, to sort of make it "her" room instead of a guest room, but she didn't come. I ride and show horses and I've tried to get her involved with that. She has no interest in it whatsoever.

I'm just at my wits end and I don't know what to do or say. I don't know what to say to DH either and he's at a loss for what to do too. Sorry for the book and sorry again if I am at the wrong board. Thanks for letting me vent.

defleppardgal

Defleppardgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 10:19am
Hi and welcome to the board!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 11:16am

Ouch! Here is my gut reaction to this:


Your DSD probably thinks she has been replaced by you. I know you had good relationship before the marriage, but now its written in stone...you are in and she is out! This is all speculation, but I have a strong sense from reading your post. She appears to me to be desperately reaching out to see if her dad still cares about her...even if she is behaving badly at school and wearing weird (read: unlovable) clothing. Remember your DH rejected his ex wife because of her bad behavior. The thing to do is not criticize her and love her as hard as you can. Ignore the weird clothes, just makes it worse. Reassure her though words and action that she is part of your little family and that will never change. Re-read that last sentence 10 times, it is the crux of this issue. I just smell it.


I have 2 DD from pervious marriage. My kids loved my DH before the wedding, but something strange clicked with the 13 year old right afterwards. He became distant and naughty at school. Stupid stuff like goofing off in class and not turning in work etc. He was withdrawing and acting apathetic. His teacher called me, he and I are good friends, and we had a pow-wow. He told me he had gut-reaction that DS was feeling insecure because of my marriage to new DH. Plus he felt perhaps DS was feeling guilty for loving my new DH (mixed emotions about can he love 2 dads, does it mean disloyalty to the first?). I didn't know if I should say anything to my kid or not, like would it make it worse? I bit the bullet and DH and I confronted him. I put my feelings out there and so did DH. We told him no matter what he does, we will never change how we feel about him and that it is OK to feel unsure about loving new parent (doesn't mean rejection of ex). It was hard because I felt like I was picking at a wound, but you know what...it was just the trick. He cried and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 11:28am

hi and welcome.

step parenting is not an easy task, and your dsd is definately gwrwoing upin a dysfunctional home environment. i would even go as far as saying that its not so much that your dsd is REBELLING --- but its more like it may be considred typical behavior of children who grow up with addicts. added to this, of course, is the fact that her father has remarried - which can be scary to kids, even (especially) if they like the step parent or if they feel that the step parent is good for them.

Have you, DH , and DSD gone to family therapy? it may a good place for all of you to start. this will enable your dsd to express her feelings and you and dh will be able to understand where she is coming from. it will also help you and dh set up ground rules and boundaries.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 5:54pm

I'm sorry I don't have any btdt experience, but I can tell you for a fact that the above statement is completely untrue. California is a very liberal state which is huge on a "father's rights". What I will say is that California tends to favor joint custody -between the mother and father, as opposed to sole custody of either parent. And in order to take custody completely away from either parent, there has to be a "documented pattern" of drug abuse, negligence, etc.

If your dh doesn not have joint custody (but it sounds like he does) I would advise him to get a good lawyer and fight for it - oh, he WILL get it. As for getting sole custody, that will be a much bigger fight....

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 6:01pm

Oh, I truly wish I had some advice for you. I can only offer sympathy and support. Your DSD is very lucky to have you and she will know that someday. Surviving the teen years at times is a lot like being on a sailboat in a storm: hang on for dear life, keep your eyes on the horizon and pray.

I can only suggest that you continue to offer your dh unconditional support and be there for your dsd - I truly hope the custody thing comes through.

Feel free to visit here frequently!
jt

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 5:48am
I agree with a previous poster, that family therapy should be considered. There is something about having everyone in one room with a neutral third party to sort things out. Hopefully you could find out what it is that DSD feels so crappy about. It would also be an opportunity for you and DH to express how much you care about her and want the best for her... and then find out how to carry on from there. When getting a therapist, try to find one that is experienced with teens. If you have insurance coverage on this, there is usually a referral system you have to go through over the phone. Ask them. If they don't do that, ask when you are calling the therapist's office. Your DSD may actually like having the opportunity to express herself. She will also probably realize that her current behavior isn't really helping her at all. Blessings to you all.
Debbie