what should be my priority? Debate if ..

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Registered: 03-25-2003
what should be my priority? Debate if ..
9
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 5:43pm
you like! I've really been enjoying reading this board, and although I know it is a support board I can see that some of you really like to tell it like you see it, so be assured that I can take it ;-) I'd like some honest perspective from people who don't have to worry about their personal relationship with me, LOL! I've sure been getting a lot of DIFFERENT advice IRL. Here's my sitch, for those who haven't seen my other posts. I am now the foster mother of a 14 year old boy (actually, he'll be 15 on Monday). I've never fostered before, and fell into this one because I am his grade 9 Social Studies teacher. He's already been in a temporary foster home for 3 months when we took him in January...and there is a procedure in progress to terminate parental rights (trial in June). Believe me, I wouldn't take home just ANY stray student who needed a home, but I kind of bonded with this one. Without giving TOO much detail he comes from a background of neglect and emotional abuse, he wants desperately to go back home, and he's been *diagnosed* with ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. What it means in terms of who he really is, is that he is quite argumentative, sloppy, and disorganized and plays his muic and playstation much too loud (sound much different from any other 14 year old?). He is also affectionate, loving, and a pretty good kid - he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, shoplift or vandalyze things ;-) Basically I'd say that his "surface" behaviour is fairly loopy, but he's really a pretty teriffic kid at the core. He is home here pretty much all the time and loves to spend time with my family. Our only big "discipline" issue at home is that he doesn't get along with my 13 year old DD. They're working on it. But then there's school...it's a disaster. He's never been much of a student, and in the past few months things are getting worse. He's not getting a lot of homework done, most of his marks are below 50, and he's a discipline problem in terms of blurting things out in class and passively resisting. (another element is that he hates school because he has NO good peer relationships and takes a heck of a lot of verbal abuse from the other kids.) His teacher's aide is ready to tear her hair out...and he doesn't respond REALLY well to any female teacher. They've tried "contracts" and he just blows them off. Of course, I still work there - and I'm getting a LOT of pressure from my co-workers to step on him, hard, to get his school work to shape up. Since they know he's not really "mine", they dispense plenty of advice -ground him, take away his privileges, etc. They also tell me EVERYTHING he does, since I'm there ...I hear about it if he turns on his discman in class, forgets his gym shoes, etc. Stuff they would never call another parent about. Not only do they want me to fix the school problems, but they also want me to work hard on the ADHD (remember - I'm just a foster parent right now...Social Services won't medicate him or put him in counselling, and I don't have the authority to do so). Now - if this was my own kid, you better BELIEVE I'd ground his @$$ and make school a priority. But I'm looking at this insecure, scared, wounded kid in the weird situation of living with a teacher he's only known since September and not knowing if he's ever going home. So I've finally decided that *my* priority is NOT school. I think my priority is bonding and attachment - make him feel safe and secure and give him ONE place in the world where he feels unconditionally accepted. He REALLY seeks nurturing - if he gets so much as a scratch he is looking for me to make a big fuss over him. Besides - I'd rather solve the issues of his problems with my daughter and generally fitting into the family first, since I have to live with that every day. I'm not saying I'd turn a blind eye to everything - I mean, I support the teachers if they want to keep him after class, etc. If he ever did anything bad enough to get suspended (like starting a fight or swearing at a teacher) I'd impose consequences at home, but I just don't think I'm going to pressure him about marks, homework and everyday behaviour right now. The WORST case scenario is that he repeats his grade 9 year - and I'm not sure that is a big deal to him. FOR SURE school is not a priority till he finds out WHERE he is going to live for the rest of his childhood! So what do you think...have I got my priorites straight or do I need an attitude adjustment? Is there anything else that maybe I'm NOT thinking of??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 5:55pm

First of all, you deserve mega-HUGS! I applaud you for taking in this kid, and his tough situation. Here's what I would do

- set reasonable benchmarks for him - "raise your grades" or "be nice to the family" are too general - set some achievable goals - like doing X% of homework or two days of no acting out in school

- make deals with him - like he gets a new CD or picks what the family eats for dinner or alone time with you or whatever would make him happy.

- focus on positive relationships at home - I agree with you that family integration is very important - that may mean less school pressure at first - get the positive relationships established, then you'll have some leeway to push on school work

-get him involved in something with other kids - something he likes, he's good at.

- set boundaries with other school personnel - if someone starts to complain, offer to hold a parent-teacher meeting with them, but be firm on not listening to every little gripe.

- get a consult (home and school) from a Behavioral Psychologist. This is what I do for work, and I am often called in for situations like you describe. It's not counseling (although you may want that too), it's strategies to reduce problem behavior. You might be able to get Social Services or the School District to pay for this. In my area, both agencies have hired me at one time or another.

If you weren't in Canada, I'd swear you were talking aobut a kid that I got called on this winter. A smart, funny kid who just didn't care about school anymore, teachers are fed up, and ready to kick him out. BUT, he organized a neighborhood watch program in his area, and has been recognized by the city police dept for his work. So there's an energy there that is not being totally realized. He really could have used a teacher like you!

Hang in there! You're doing good!!

Sue

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 03-18-2006 - 7:15pm

Lid_mom gave you some good advice (didn't know you were a psychologist!

Avatar for phacademy
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Registered: 04-13-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 12:00pm

My oldest suffered from ADHD/ ODD, and school was horrible for him.

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 10:07am

First, Bless you for taking this on. I think that you're heart is definitely in the right place.

There is a book that I strongly recommend, "Teaching the Tiger". This book has information and excellent resources for parents and teachers alike for dealing with and teaching and disciplining children, teens, with disorders as you describe, ADHD, ODD, OCD, etc. The thing about those neuro-bio disorders is that very often, they overlap one another and it can be very difficult to decipher which behaviors to tackle and which to ignore. Especially with kids this age, as you already probably know, a lot of this lazy, casual attitude towards thier schoolwork can be very normal. It's when they become overwhelmed by the pressures of not just one failing class, but several, that they tend to simply 'shut down' and that's something that you as a parent want to try and avoid.

My 16dd has OCD/ADHD/ODD and Tourettes, which all carry with it some level of anxiety disorder - her behaviors overlap, she's always struggled with her school work. We've taken away privileges, we've removed her stereo from her room, blocked the internet, tv, etc. We've hired tutors and sat at the kitchen table with her for hours each night to no avail. Once my dd became (becomes) overwhelmed by what's expected of her, and due to the ADHD/ODD disorders it happens very quickly, she shuts down and we're unable to make progress. The first step in helping us to help our dd was counseling and subsequently a full evaluation from a prediatric neuro-psychiatrist.

As her foster parent, you can move yourself into the role of advocate. I would politely let your co-workers know that if there is a specific issue related to the boy's academics you would be happy to arrange a time to meet, but otherwise, you'd prefer not to discuss him casually any longer as it's really not professional and it's not in the best interest of the boy's progress. You, as his parent, cannot constantly be barraged by thier comments and also be expected to either not do/say anything and react all at the same time - it's not fair of them to place you in that role. It sounds like they want you to make thier job easier, but that is not necessarily in the best interest of this boy's emotional growth and stability. You can say this without offending anyone - just choose your words and tone wisely. It's very important for YOU to draw the line in the sand with your co-workers in regards to what you will and will not discuss about the boy on a daily basis.

As advocate, you can lobby his social worker for a full evaluation, along with the assitance of your schools' student services/special ed department. The fact is, based on his disorders, he may be eligible for at least a section 504, which would enable him to have modifications for his classes, such as shortened hw assignments, longer testing time, and other accomodations. I would look into this and not give up until you get some type of PPT meeting in place to at least discuss the possibilities of having accomodations put into place for him.

On the med front: That's a tricky one, because you have to prove that it is necessary or would be helpful. If you're able to secure an evaluation from a Neuro-psych, you may get lucky in that he/she may be able to suggest or recommend certain meds and that could help you sway the social worker in that direction. Personally, while I don't recommend meds for every child, I have become an advocate of at least exploring the possible use of meds along with some really good cognitive therapy for a boy such as you describe.

And lastly, IMO, it's important that this boy get some really good cognitive/behavioral therapy that will help him to learn healthy choping mechanisms and how to express his feelings appropriately. Certainly, coming from an abusive home he has learned behaviors that are not healthy or that have crippled him in expressing his emotions in an appropriate manner - it's important to address that. Likewise, a good behavioral therapist will be able to help him learn to take more responsibility for his academic career and to learn better study skills, not to mention social skills.

I will keep you, and the boy, in my prayers. I hope I didn't go on too long for you, just wanted to share some of my own experience in our school district with my dd. Good luck!

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:00am
Thanks for the great advice - it sound like I'm pretty much on the right track. The school HAS done all that; in fact the crisis that led to his final removal from home was his family's refusal to allow him to be tested. So they've given us some strategies - although I'm not sure to what extent they are successful. Certainly school is still not going particularly well - but I'm leaping one hurdle at a time. I was having trouble even GETTING him to school for a couple weeks, but we are back on track with that one.
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:05am
Wow - who knew that so many people have had similar experiences? I agree with everything you said about how things look and feel from his perspective right now - which was really why I'm not willing to make school the hill I die on - I know he needs his basic needs met first. Pretty sure there is no sign of RAD - other than needing a lot of nurturing, he doesn't have any "inapprorpiate" attachment issues. He's just been neglected for so long that he likes to be fussed over a bit when he's sick or hurt. If anything, he's dealing with divided loyalties right now - we had quite a talk a few nights ago about how he "likes me...really likes me...but can't love me because I'm not his family and he's going home to them.". That's a pretty quick sound-bite of the conversation, but it indicates to me that he is well capable of bonding but is struggling with feeling disloyal if he does so. His ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) is pretty common in kids with ADHD, and doesn't really connect to RAD. Anyway, I'm amazed and inspired by your experiences - thanks for sharing your story!
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:15am
It sounds to me like you did a wonderful job with a really tough situation with your son - I may be seeking more advice from you!Yes, there is some degree of depression. It isn't so much that Social Services WON'T medicate him..they want to...but his bio family has sabotaged that idea to the degree that he is ADAMANTLY opposed to any kind of medication. they've convinced him that he's allergic to Ritalin, that only a "mental" needs counselling, etc. Social Services is hoping to push those issues AFTER the termination order, but that's not until June. I do agree with you that losing this year of school might make him lose interest in school altogether - honeslty, knowing our high school policy, I don't think it will happen. They tend to push them on, especially if there are extenuating circumstances like this. I also DO agree with you about the idea that we can't suddenly change the rules, but that's where I'm so conflicted. We already have to battle about so much that I don't want to turn EVERYTHING into an "issue" to the point that we have no time just to enjoy each other.I'm thinking that at least your son already HAD some historical relationship with you - but I don't have that with A. and I'm starting the whole bonding/attachment thing right from scratch. I am considering the possibility of homeschooling once I have permanent guardianship...but that's an issue for next year. Hopefully I can hit enough of a middle ground here that he passes gr. 9, and maybe I'll be able to help him get school straightened out a bit more after his life is more "settled".
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Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:22am
Thank you for sharing your experiences - I'm just amazed at how many people have some experience with these issues - I'm glad I brought it up! I'll keep this fairly short, since I'm largely repeating what I said in replies above - but I agree with everything you say, but it's not going to be easy. He HAS been tested and does have accomodations in place, but that has no solved the problem by any stretch. As for medication and counselling, Children's Services wants both for him but won't push the issue due to the sabotage of his bio family. They've made him adamantly opposed to both medication and counselling - he says he won't take any meds (he's been told they are an attempt at mind control) and won't attend or co-operate with any counselling (which is only for crazy people). I don't know if there would be any value in pushing the issue more right now...but unfortunately, it isn't my call. I've asked, advocated, and provided evidence of his slide downhill at school, but they say they wont' do anything until after the termination order in June. I definitely WILL deal with other school staff as you recommend, though.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:39am

Wow, it's really too bad about the meds. We had a little trouble with our dd at a certain point in her treatment. She refused to take meds. After arguing about it, we said, "Okay - we'll allow you to stop the meds under ONE condition: If we see you spiraling, you will agree to a conversation without yelling and make a final decision at that point either way". She agreed. She stopped all meds in August, by January she was walking around the house crying non-stop and couldn't explain why. We talked and she agreed to one med - the antidepressant.

One of the many ways in which we convinced her that meds were not altering WHO she was (ie, mind control, etc.) was in comparing it to my daily intake of meds for my asthma. Without it, I couldn't breathe. Also, we compared it to wearing glasses. Without them, my H couldn't see. And we compared it to her grandmother's taking insulin every meal - without it, she'd likely end up in a diabetic coma and die. This actually did help dd see that taking meds for her mental/behavioral disorders was just like any other legitimate med.

My dd was also resistent to counseling and told me one day in a rage that we should have just told her that she was retarded so she could stop seeing the counselor, as if there was something really wrong with her that could actually be fixed! With the help of the counselor, we gently explained to her that therapy wasn't about fixing anything or anyone - it was about helping a person learn new and creative ways to cope and to live healthier, become stronger and make better choices. Once we eliminated my dd's fears about being retarded or there being something 'wrong' with her, she was a little less resistent. She now enjoys seeing her counselor, as do I. It helps me to keep a healthy perspective on what's typical teen behavior and what's related to her disorders. I've learned to let a lot of stuff roll off my back, not jump to conclusions and most of all: Academics are not the number one issue in my children's lives = being happy and well adjusted are key. Not everyone is an A+ student, but having all C's doesn't mean they are dumb. Everyone has thier own attributes and talents - it's up to the child and the parent to find out what they are and nurture them.

Again, good luck, you will need it. I will keep you in my thoughts~