Mean Girls
Find a Conversation
Mean Girls
| Mon, 03-20-2006 - 11:57am |
I'm sure many of you have had this happen but I need to vent! My dd has a girl at school who used to be a friend who is giving her such a hard time. This morning she came up to her and said what is your F***ing problem you dirty slut. This isn't the first time either. I've told my dd to ignore her/don't give here the satisfaction/walk away and all those other things I'm supposed to say. But I'm at the point where I want to tell my dd to let her have it - as nicely as possible but to get her point across. Of course my dd doesn't want to get the school involved which I understand. But I'm tempeted to call the school. Any suggestions?
Thanks.
Thanks.

Pages
You didn't say how old your dd is but, if you haven't already, go to the library and get the books "Queen Bees and Wannabes" and "Odd Girl Out". These might help you to understand a little about what goes on between these girls that is mostly beneath the adult radar. When dd was in the 8th grade, this kind of meanness reached a fever pitch. The prinicpal rented the movie "Odd Girl Out" (the book is better) and had a pizza/movie party for the 7th and 8th grade girls and their moms. At the end, the moms and girls were invited to speak. At least three moms stood up and told a story from their middle school years and, in each case, they (and much of the audience) were in tears. Most of us have been there with stories of our own, but our girls are going through it tenfold.
I would suggest you call the school and involve a counselor and the principal. Your dd is probably not going to be able to handle the "mean girls" on her own. The old "ignore them and they'll go away" does not work very well in this day and age.
If you daughter is onlihne, I suggest that you get some monitoring software just to be certain the bullying has not made it into your living room. E-mail, IM's and blogs are huge bullying tools.
Give her lots of hugs and be a good listener. I'm so sorry that this is happening to her.
jt
Boy, do I have some experience with this! My DD survived the 8th grade year from hell under similar circumstances -- with the exception of the in-your-face profanity.
You didn't say how old your DD is, what grade she is in or how long this had been going on. Like you, I told my DD to rise above the situation, hold your head high, don't fuel the fire and it will die out, etc. Problem was, it didn't!
If this has been going on longer than 3-4 weeks, I think it is time to involve the school because it is now bullying. I eventually did; I spoke to the school counselor. Counselors have very sneaky ways of handling this stuff.
She said she would call all the girls into her office and say something like "The teachers/aide/custodian/etc. has seen/heard/observed some inappropriate behavior/language/etc. between you girls and it has to stop. You don't have to like one another or be friends, but you do have to respect one another and this behavior has got to stop right now, right here today."
Fortunately, things didn't come to that and did started to die down shortly after. It was a horrible thing to deal with and I don't know how my DD was able to walk onto that campus everyday holding her head up, but she did. She's usually walk straight to the library to hide, but she did it with her head held high.
{{{hugs to you and your DD}} I know how awful girls can be to one another.
Oh and one last thing ... you might want to consider getting a copy of the book "Queen Bees and Wanna Bees". It provides great insight into the girl world of cliques.
Julie
IMHO, the right answer in the *adult* world is to ignore them and walk away with your head held high.
I was just reading Queen Bees and Wannabees last night and came across the passage where it says it no uncertain words not to ignore this! She specifically goes into different scenarios, including calling the mean girl's parents. You may want to consider this, before involving the school. You didn't say what grade your dd is in, but in 5th grade something like this happened to my dd with two of her good friends who decided that day that "you can't be our friend anymore". DD was devastated and cried so hard she was sent home. I wound up calling the parents of the girls - because I knew them (you tend to know your kid's friends when they are that young) and it resolved the conflict. Turns out one of the girls was spreading rumours about my dd saying bad things about the other girl - going so far as to forward emails and change the content! One of the girls and my dd became closer than ever after this incident. But looking back now, I wonder if this was when dd started to "shut down". She's had so many issues since then. Kids can be so cruel. I'm sorry your dd is going through this. I'm sorry any of them go through this!
With younger children, 4th, 5th, 6th grade, contacting the other girl's parents might be a good idea.
I just finished reading the replies for this post and I'm actually sitting here crying. You all told of situations which has really hit home for me and also made me feel better knowing that my dd isn't alone with her girlfriend difficulties. My dd is experiencing such a difficult year this year in 9th grade and it's breaking my heart and driving me nuts because I want to make it all better but I can't. :-) She had such a great time in Jr. High and everything has fallen apart this year in High School as the result of one friend getting really mad at her and turning all the other girls against her.
There have been sleepovers (for a some of her best freinds) where my daughter has has been excluded in the invitations and evenings out where they don't invite her along anymore. All because of one friend who got mad at her for something trival and all the other girls not wanting to get on her bad side, and also listening to her trashing my dd and then taking up the crusade. It's been awful and painful to watch. I know since she is in 9th grade, I can't do much about it except offer a plenty of hugs and a ear to listen. My dd has spent some many evenings in tears. The part that really gets me is how IMing and Buddy Profiles make it so much worse for them...now you can see what all your friends are planning for the evening and how they aren't including you. I can't imagine going through that when I was a teenager. I'm just keep hoping that my dd will meet some nice new girls and move on. The awful part right now is that she still thinks of these girls are her friends even though they are treating her like dirt. I'm trying to help her understand that friends don't treat friends like this and to speak up and say when she feels hurt. God forbid, I don't want her to grow up thinking that she should put up with this behavior from friends and also from men later on! I just wish I could make it all better. Thanks for listening!
btdt ... {{{hugs to you and your DD}}} The only thing different in what we experienced is when the instigator of the whole disaster wrote a note to DD at the end of the year saying "sorry, can we be friends again?", DD (who had been through pretty much the same thing with the same girl in 5th grade) wrote back and said -- "NO thanks". She'd had enough of this kid and her back stabbing and spitefulness.
Your dd should be very proud of herself for saying "no thanks" to her former friend. That's one of those life lessons that we all hope our kids will learn. I hope if it happens to my dd, she'll be able to do the same. She is already very frustrated with this girl...knowing that she is very manipulative (gets very upsets if she doesn't get her way and then bad-mouths that particular girl). I think what bugs my dd most is that all her other girlfriends are willing to put up with all this drama from this girl; and also coming to the conclusion that her friends haven't been there for her and would rather duck and run for cover then stand up for her as a friend.
thank you again.
Well, thanks ... I AM very proud of my DD. For so many reasons in so many ways. I forgot to tell you the best part of DD's saga ...
By the end of the school year, all the little hangers-on in that group pretty much hated each other; were not friends at all. The queen-bee instigator wrapped up the year with basically ONE friend. DD has reconciled with one of the girls in that group since then, but since they go to different schools, she rarely sees her.
It was very hard to watch my DD go through this as I'm sure it is for you. Because of what happened, DD chose to make a fresh start at high school where she knew exactly ONE person in the entire student body. She went out of her way to change things in her life, make friends and has come so far since her lost and lonely days in middle school.
Hope this helps.
Pages