did I do a disservice to DD(14)??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
did I do a disservice to DD(14)??
5
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:08am

By not making her do chores? SHe is in marching band and thought that by her not being home most of the time, I didn't make her to chores, just keep your room clean. Which is a pigsty.

I gave her internet, a cell, and phone time in general and she still hated it here enough to tell me she ants to live with Dad. NOw we are on a 50/50 schedule. SHe comes home on Friday. I want to make the house rules and regulations list but I hae no idea as to where to start.

She will have 3 hours a week each of phone and internet use. Use it together or spread apart but 3 hours a week is the limit. NO AIM or IM of any kind is allowed from now on. Her cell phone is gone until she can pay for one herself. With her gone every other week, one of the rules is that her room is tidy and bed made when she leaves for the week. My son has the trash and dishwasher which I am going to split when she is here.

I figure that every company has a handbook of rules and regulations and now my house will too and if one of the rules is broken, there will be a consequence. Just like in life, it's thier choice to do it or not, but, they will receive consequences for work not being done. Adam and Eve had a choice too and they paid for it by being cast out of the Garden of Eden. The Commandments are rules, and if they are broken, there is a consequence.

Any ideas???Any rules that are in your house that I can take too??

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 10:49am

Hi Lark,

If you are asking for opinions on whether your rules are fair - then I say "yes - very!" IMO, you have struck a good balance and I can't think of anything to add. Maybe others will have some ideas. I'm not sure about your opening line <> because I don't see any (disservice, that is).

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 11:40am

Hi Lark,


Whatever rules you make, make them stick. Keeping room clean and helping unload the dishwasher is not breaking child labor laws. The phone/Im etc are not chores/rules to be kept. They are non-negotiable and just the house rules. Like it or lump it. She should do chores because in a family we all pitch in, part-time or not. Good luck! Betty

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:03pm

Lark,

What you have sounds like a good start - splitting the garbage and dishwasher duties with ds - I suggest writing it on a calendar so you can keep track of who has what day (we do this at home). There is also mowing the lawn, watering plants, general upkeep of their bathroom. You may not want to overwhelm her, though...

I guess I'm not certain why you are removing and/or restricting all the prior privileges. I probably have just not kept up with your posts. Is it her grades? General bad attitude? Coming from your particular situation, with new custody arrangements and all, I perceive she will view this as punitive. You can avoid this (maybe) by sitting down with her calmly and telling her just as you told us, that you feel you may have done her a disservice by not assigning her chores to do. That she will learn this way about personal responsibility, taking care of herself and others. You may want to attach a small allowance to her chores.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 12:48pm

>>>>>guess I'm not certain why you are removing and/or restricting all the prior privileges.<<<<<<

In answer to your question, She had all those privileges before telling me she hated living with me and my new husband so if she hated it here with the internet, cell, and continous phone interaction, she certainly does not deserve those nice luxuries when she tells me "I want to live with my dad and not you". It was the first I'd heard about it so it was quite a shock. She and I yelled at each other but what teen and mom doesn't. She runs to her dad and thinks it's ok to do that. We changed to 50/50 just this week and she comes home on Friday for my full Fri-Fri week. I am just trying to set up rules in writing where I can point them out to the WHOLE family(even my EX) so we can set up consequences for not doing the chores. I am giving this list to my EX because he told me he will uphold any rule in my house when DD doesnt' follow it. She likes to call him and say mom is being mean. If I tell him that this and this rule has been broken, then he has to back me up. And he says he will....

She has cable at her Dad's and she is complaining that she doesnt' here. We have satellite and we have 2 receivers, one in the living room and one in the master bedroom. With a family of 5, we really could use another one for taping shows and stuff ( I hate satellite just for that reason, cable you can watch and tape different channels, Satellite you can't, but that's another post) I figure if the family can do better at the getting along part and DD is better in her attitude, then after school is out, we can maybe upgrade to the third receiver. But the kicker is, she is only here 50/50 and the other two kids will get to use it more. Hmm....but it was her choice to move out when she did. Her consequence, funny how it all works huh???

LARK

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 7:25pm

Lark,


The way you explain it, it almost sounds like loosing the internet, etc., is more paybacks for saying she was unhappy there, more like vengance than direct consequences of her behavior.