intervening in a friendship - fair/wise?
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intervening in a friendship - fair/wise?
| Tue, 03-21-2006 - 2:24pm |
I'd never ordinarily do this, at least not with one of my biological children...if they are having friendship difficulty I'd NEVER speak to the friend - I think they need to learn to settle their own differences and deal with the consequences, etc. But this is a little different - about my 15 year old foster son. He had his birthday party this weekend, and chose to have a sleepover. He has TERRIBLE peer relationships, and really only a small handful of friends. Only three could come on Saturday, and one of them, Dakota, is a really nice kid and the only one I'd call really "normal" in terms of his own social funcitioning, intellect, etc. He's a decent student, has lots of friends, etc. Anyway, my FS woke up in a HORRIBLE mood on Sunday and was just generally an ass. Ignored his friends, rude to me, etc. I could see that it was all because he was anxious and unhappy, but that isn't how it comes across. So Dakota was fairly disgusted with him, and more-or-less said to me that he doubted he'd be back. Naturally, I talked to A. about his actions and how others perceive them, etc. By the time I was done he was pretty mad at himself, and making himself sick with stress, wondering if he'd just lost all his friends. SOOOO....since I teach Dakota, I'm thinking of a very brief conversation with him just to give him a little perspective. Just to say "I know you were pretty upset because A. was such a jerk on Sunday. Just think about it from his point of view - imagine that it is your birthday, and you can't spend it with your own family! Instead you are living with your Social Studies teacher who you've only known since September. Wouldn't that be totally weird and make the birthday a lot less fun and happy?" I realize that this would ABSOLUTELY fit the definition of "helicopter parenting", but my reasoning is that A. still NEEDS some protection and hovering, since he's never had it before. He's a smart boy, but emotionally a MUCH younger child than his actual age. He certainly can't afford to lose any friends right now when everything else in his life is such a mess. With my own kids I'd expect them to deal with the fall out of their actions by this age since they've had the benefit of my superior parenting all these years ;-)

I think speaking with Dakota privately would be okay, but I would phrase it to him a little differently than you stated in your post.
I'd would remind Dakota that "A is going through an especially difficult time and although his birthday celebration was a fun time, he still suffers by stressing out about where he is and his relationship with his family". And then ask Dakota to please reconsider visiting again as he is always welcome and you know that A needs his friends now more than ever. And leave it at that. No need to ask him how he'd feel if he were A, that just may cause Dakota to feel guitly to what was a normal reaction, you know?
It's so hard, but I think communication is KEY, especially when you're dealing with such a delicate situation.
I like H&R's response to Dakota a little better, just because it doesn't sound like you're trying to make him feel guilty for responding the way most everyone would to A's jerkiness.
You're right in labeling this as helicopter parenting, but you're also right that A needs a closer parenting style than would be the norm for a 15 y/o, because he hasn't had the benefit of the kind of nurturing that most kids have earlier in life.
When
I would absolutely say something. This poor child has skills he is deficient in. He would benefit from the guidance of a good foster parent like yourself.
I think the term 'helicopter parenting' has received an unfair rap, to be honest with you. What is wrong with trying to be a parent? How are kids going to learn if a parent who has the wisdom doesn't impart some of it? I think people are so afraid of the term that they are going the other way drastically so they won't be labelled as such. (I'm talking in general, here - I don't know your parenting style). I also think some people use the term as an excuse so they don't have to parent (again, I'm talking in general - it can be the easy way out, IMO.)
Yes, you tried.... though in the culture that my DSs run in, that really means "I love you."!!!!
Helicopter parenting only receives an unfair rap when you don't have to deal with the results of true helicopter parenting!
There is nothing wrong with knowing what your kids are doing and nudging them in the right direction>>>>>
I agree, but unfortunately a lot of people who do just that ARE labelled as Helicopter parenting. I was, just a few days ago, by one of the posters on this board. It was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard, and I am still angry about it. I was trying to guide my son into better study skills so that he has them for life, not letting him get away with mediocre effort. That would be doing a disservice to him and is totally different than what you define in your post. The results you define are NOT the results of nudging, for sure.