we disagree about age to date

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
we disagree about age to date
10
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 2:50pm

My DD is 14 in a few days and I know she has been interested and has been asked by a few boys to go on dates. She is a rather mature looking beautiful only child, great grades, no social or ANY problems.Cheerleader, Student councel, choir: a great kid!! and I do not mean CAR dates just the movies or mall where parents drop and pick up.

The problem is my hubby. He is adamant that she will not date until she is 16. He is from the deep south and very very strict. Last night she got a call from a 15 yo boy who is her friend. This began all out WAR in our home.

He is SO opposed to this dating thing that he is now saying it is a breaking issue in OUR MARRIAGE!!! While I knew he was serious about this 16 yo thing, I am really thrown by him making it about us!!. I think he sees the reality yet doesn't want to face that his little girl is not little any more. I face reality head on and have been this way with our DD for years.

I need help here. He says that this is a DAD thing and that I am going behind his back if I don't agree with him....BUT I DON"T AGREE WITH HIM!! I don't want to insult my hubby yet i think he is way too strict and old fashioned in a lot of things. I feel strongly about this one enough to take on this fight. We live in suburban NJ and I know most of her friend are already dating.

MY DD heard us fighting last night about this. she was so upset that WE got into a fight over her growing up and dating . I know she is trying to be up front and honest. She thinks she should just let ME know and keep dad out of it. THIS IS DEFINATELY NOT WHAT I WANT TO START in my marriage.

HELP!!

HELP ME !!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 3:01pm

I think it depends on what you mean by a date.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 8:23pm

I'm so sorry to hear that this has become such an emotional issue in your family (and marriage).

I agree with you that you should not let your daughter play you against your DH. I faced that with my DD once or twice - not over anything huge, but "don't tell daddy". I think that's a dangerous road to go down - and will only make your husband even angrier and feeling more isolated.

My DD is 14 and hasn't really faced "dating" - last year she had a boyfriend, but they didn't do too much outside of school -mostly sitting together in classes, talking on IM.... they also went to the movies one day after school - with a whole crowd of other kids. We haven't set any rules, but I don't think I'd let her go alone with a guy anywhere just now.

I agree with Pam to find a way that your DH will be comfortable, but your DD will still feel respected.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Tue, 03-21-2006 - 9:16pm

I have to agree with Pam and Sue. I personally feel that 14 is too young for a teen to be put in a situation or position with a member of the opposite sex that could be considered "a date".

While you say <> The truth is that at 14, your DD may be more of a young lady than a little girl, but she still needs her parents to set boundaries and limits for her.

It's unfortunate that you and your DH are at polar opposites regarding this, but perhaps you can suggest a compromise by allowing your DD to spend supervised time with the boy by inviting him to come to your house for dinner, to visit or watch a movie.

 

 

 

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:23am

I agree with the other posters mostly. However, I do also see your point. I've had to take a hard line against my H on some issues, but he has never been really adamant about most issues and leave a lot of the decision making in regards to my girls to me anyway. Luckily at times, disappointing at others. We've really tried not to argue about stuff like this around our girls, but they seem to always know when we're at odds about things. Plus, you describe your dd as being a pretty responsible mature girl.

My 16dd went 'out' with a boy when she was 14. Thier going 'out' consisted of him coming to our house on either a Sat/Sun and spending the day with all of us. They held hands and probably snuck in a smooch here and there, but mostly they were with family all day. They would walk down to the local farm with my dd's best friend and see the petting zoo or watch a movie, or listen to music, go swimming. Nothing serious. He started telling her he loved her and that freaked her out and she swore off boys till this past summer, just before her 16th b'day.

I think it's important for you and your H to schedule a time to discuss this. If it's true that it's a 'dad thing' then maybe it's time for dad to re-evaulate his reasons for being so rigid in regards to his maturing, developing dd going on a date. I think group dating is a very good way to start - in fact, I think that's how most kids start without even realizing it. This might be a way to present it to him. Also, dd inviting some of her friends over, including the crush, is an excellent idea - your H can get to see first hand what good kids they are.

Best of luck = I hate when H and I don't agree on stuff like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 12:32pm

Thank for your replys. I think I need to clarify. What I mean by DATE is what you all have suggested. The boy here for dinner, group plans skating , the mall with friends etc. My hubby is just ademantly opposed to KNOWING that she is WITH a BOY that she likes. He freaks if she gets a phone call from a boy.
I have no intention of letting her so on solo REAL DATES yet.

thanks,

ELizabeth

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 1:17pm

"He freaks if she gets a phone call from a boy." That's not normal, IMO. I mean, how old is he and is he from this country? LOL- Just kidding. My H jokes about locking our girls in thier room until they are 30 all the time - BUT he's just joking and I would never let him get away with that!

I feel for you - I don't have any other advice other than to be adamant about reaching a compromise. Remind your H that the only way your dd will learn how to behave appropriately around the opposite sex is to have some exposure to them, other than her father. Dad needs to learn to stifle it a little, IMO, and allow his daughter the space to develop socially a little. By restricting her so completely he is only teaching her to be sneaky and go behind his back, which is definitely what you don't want to happen. Argh, your H's mentality would drive me nuts. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:15pm

Here's my two cents for your hub you can do with as you see fit....

Dear Deep South guy:

I hear your pain. While it would be nice to sequester our daughters until their debutante party on their 16th birthday, you need to consider the effect that will have on everyone involved. I'm certain you have good intentions taking the honorable high road with your expectation that your daughter shall not look at or speak to a teenage boy until she hits that wonder-mark of 16. Here's a thought to consider; common sense and maturity is not arrived at on a birthday, it's obtained by life experience. Teenagers need to interact with the opposite sex in order to prepare them for dating later on. By depriving them of this experience, you are putting them at high risk of engaging in the very behavior you are so afraid of in the first place. Nobody wins here. And making this a marital issue is a huge tactical error. You just may find yourself in an empty house, bewildered at the thought that your wife has considered the options you have dictated and decided that your daughters emotional development and well-being is more important than the gauntlet you have thrown down. Calm down dad. Personally, my days as the benevolent dictator at my house are long gone. Sit down with the females in your house and calmly explain your concerns. Apologize. Especially to your wife. I'd bet that what your DD tells you will give you a huge sigh of relief. Face it, boys are interesting at 14. Spending controlled supervised time together in a group is not "dating". Neither does it mean you're going to be a grandfather anytime soon.
Daddio

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 3:21pm
Honest and to the point, as only a BTDT response can be! Excellent.
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:36pm
What an excellent response.I've seen too many girls get into trouble with guys behind their parents' back because they didn't know how to interact with the opposite sex. My 26 yr DD will tell you she started "dating" at 10. haha. She did things with a male friend who she called her b/f and their larger group of friends. Her first real 1:1 date was when she was 17. She is still very close to some of those early b/fs. It's hard to forget someone you biked with, played basketball with & babysat your siblings with. I believe my DD never went through that horrible "boy crazy" stage because of all those close friendships. I always felt like I had many more than 3 kids because all of my kids were encouraged to hang out at our place with their friends regardless the sex. Dee
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 10:25am

Thank you all again for the feedback. I was beginning to think that I was off my rocker.
My H has calmed down a bit after I dug my heels in firmly for this fight. He is playing the hurt, wronged crusader right now. Basicly telling me he is giving up being the DAD HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE and that everything from this point forward with this issue and my daughter is MINE...By that he means MY FAULT. And yes, his pouting is driving me nuts. After several LONG talks about this , we have not really come to a compromise. He has pulled out of the negotiations. I don't think this is fair but I am tired of the emotional aspect and his backing off ( even with bad feeling ) is better than escalating this deeper into our marriage.
I was glad to here from the dads!! Thanks. I am also glad to know that there are some parents who chose to let one parent deal with these things. It seems it will be me in our house. I just feel a little sad that this has caused hurt feeling on all parts. OH well that is for the marriage boards!!

I think he just sees BoogyMOnsters where there are none right now. But I will be keeping my eyes open for them in case they pop up in the form of sweet talking 14 yo boys.LOL!!

Elizabeth