Will DD & the ex ever learn?

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Will DD & the ex ever learn?
7
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 12:07pm

Early this a.m. I got a call from dd's e/x b/f's (the stalker) grandmother. We have told both these kids that we would prefer that they just not communicate with each other at all and up until a few months ago DD respected and eventually the ex caught on and was pretty much leaving her alone. For some reason, he called her Mon and she didn't answer but then she got mad at current b/f (he went out and got drunk the night before) and returned the ex's call. They made plans to go shopping this afternoon. Grandmother wanted to let me know since she knows that this is a stupid idea but since he is 18 now she feels she has little control over him except to suggest that he not something. She's close to 80 and I do applaud her efforts with the boys and I appreciate her calling me.

Today is her current b/f's birthday so I suddenly thought it would be a good idea to take him and DD out to lunch to celebrate. DD was already at ball practice so I called him to invite him to lunch. He is to ask DD after practice and hopefully we can avoid the whole shopping thing with the ex. I know I'm taking the cowards way out but I really just want to avoid this whole and hope that once DD is over being mad at the current b/f she will realize what a stupid mistake it would be to let the ex back into her life.

Anyway, I just needed a place to vent.

Daddie, I hope that your WB stays gone. This one is like an energizer devil - he just keeps coming back and coming back and each time he brings his little horn, tail and pitch fork with him!!

Avatar for jupiterfit
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Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 1:00pm
Toby, my DD broke up with her BF about a week ago and the ex keeps calling her too. And she returns his calls. Everyone tells me to stay out of it, which I have been doing. Then of course, there is the prom thing... he said he'd like to take her to prom. It is exasperating though. I think they are a little selfish... they want the ex to still desire them, I guess. I wouldn't get involved mainly because it is so ingrained in my head lately, due to everyone's advice.
Deb
Debbie
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Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 1:01pm
Aww - I hope the lunch deal works out.
Pam
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Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 9:46pm

Deb,

I don't think you were here during the worst of DD and the ex problems. This has been over 2 1/2 years since they broke up. He has had her dog stolen, tampered with her car on more than one occassion, literally followed her and her current b/f everywhere they went, goes out of his way to follow her at school, skips class to stare in the window of her classroom, calls at night just and hangs up until she answers (just checking to see if she's home) and then he still doesn't say anything, etc. The rumors and lied he spread about her ranged from everything that she was pregnant and didn't know which one of the two guys was the father to she broke up with him b/c she was having sex with her best friend (a girl). Things will die down for a few months and then he starts in again. I really don't want DD to have anything to do with him at all. In addition to the physical threats to her safety, he is extremely manipulative and controlling and she just falls for it every single time. She realizes that they can never date again but she still wants to be his friend b/c he's got such a rough life and he needs her support, blah, blah, blah....

I think the lunch thing worked. I went to the ballfield just before time for her practice to be over to see if he would show and I did see him drive by but he kept right on going. The current b/f was also there. I guess the ex spotted one of our cars and decided it would be better to just go on by. We went to lunch and had a good time. A side benefit of the lunch today was that current b/f and I are both working real hard to accept the other one and I think this helped some.

In your case you are right to wait this out and see what happens but I always advise moms to watch their teens closely after a break-up. You have to be very careful about not saying anything negative about the ex but you also have to know where your teen is emotionally and also where the ex is emotionally if that's possible. In my case, the grandmother was more than willing to work with me to come up with a solution that was in the best interest of both the kids.

Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 03-22-2006 - 11:51pm

Oh gosh tobylady, I didn't know this guy was such a creep. 2 1/2 years later and he's still being a nuisance? Aren't there laws about that kind of thing? Yikes. Do you think your DD still has feelings for him? Or could she just be trying to pacify him so that he won't do something more hurtful? Or possibly, more violent?

I'm glad your lunch went well; sounds like you all made the effort to have a nice afternoon out together. Progress, right?

Julie

 

 

 

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 12:20am

Sorry to hear that there are still problems with this guy. I haven't been around for a while and come back and you are still going through this. Hopefully, she will stick with this new guy, at least for a while and maybe the ex will not rear his ugly head much. Unfortunatly, it sounds the opposite. Now that she has made some contact with him, he may be encouraged that there is a chance for him.
Sometimes don't you just wish that you could bang certain things into their heads.
Like I said, I'm so sorry that you are still dealing with all this. Keep us informed and best of luck dealing with it all.

Kristie

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Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 9:17am

We've discussed restraining order but since they attend the same school it's really not practical. Also, getting a restraining order against a juvenile is very difficult although he is 18 now. But since he's turned 18, he hasn't done anything threatening. It is better than it was but b/c of all the problems in the past any contact at all with him just scares the poop out of me.

Lunch went really well. The b/f talked with me some about his classes and even asked for a little financial advice from me. His parents don't help him with any of his expenses and haven't since he was around 15. They apparently haven't bothered to teach him about handling his money either. He really needs a car but can't afford one. He has money that was given to him by an aunt to cover his tuition and books. He wanted to "borrow" from that account to buy a car. He actually asked my opinion of that idea. Believe me, I want him to have a car b/c DD is his chauffer when he's in town and that bugs DH and myself but I don't think robbing Peter to pay Paul is the right way to go about this. We discussed loans, additional jobs, etc. He has alot to think about.

He spent the afternoon with DD and she went to eat with his family last night so I guess she didn't see the ex afterall. She and the ex were very good friends for 2 years before they dated. He has a horrible home life and they shared a bond over the alcoholic fathers although hers wasn't abusive she still understood him better than most. He didn't have a mom (drug addict) so he sort of adopted me during those years. When they broke up, he lost his best friend, his girlfriend, and his mother figure. So if she thought for a second he needed her, she was there. He knew this and used this to his advantage to keep her in his life. She worried about his constantly. He would threaten suicide, drinking, whatever to get her attention. It was a very difficult time for all of us. I just really don't want her going back to that emotionally. I know she has matured but I'm just not sure it's enough.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Thu, 03-23-2006 - 12:51pm
Oh my toby. I didn't know those things. What a rough 2 1/2 years for you. My DD's ex-BF sounds somewhat similar to your DD's, but not quite as extreme. He comes from an alcoholic abusive family though and tries to get sympathy from DD to get her back. For now, I hope DD just completely moves on pretty soon. She seems interested in other guys but is sort of just hanging out with friends for now (fine with me). It just scares me a bit when she and the ex call one another.
Debbie