Rant & Help! 13yoDD sneaky/untrustworthy
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| Thu, 03-23-2006 - 12:43pm |
You all have always had good advice so I'm back. (EDIT: Wow this got long. I'm sorry.)
You may remember my panic over 13yo DD wanting to do things with her boyfriend. With the help of the insight of the BTDTs here and our counselor I've been able to loosen up some. Now the problems change...any advice?
I work full time 1 mile from home. We live about 2 blks from the school. DD will be 14 in July, is an 8th grader, just made the JV cheerleading squad for next year, and is even doing a little better in school (they changed the policy and are no longer accepting late work so she has to turn it in on time). BF turned 15 in Jan, is a freshman, and is not a bad kid. They just think they should be allowed to do more than they are.
DD walks home, calls in within 25 min of school letting out, and is alone until I get there 5:30-5:45 after picking up 5yo DD. Standard teenager--sits on her fanny in front of the tv or is on the internet most of that time. Standard rule of no leaving the house without calling and receiving permission, and no one in the house while we're not there--PERIOD.
Today I find out BF has been going home with her after school and staying until 5:20 so they can make out on her bed. It has progressed to touchy-feely and his hands down her pants. She admits to teasing him by letting him go so far, then stopping, then going a little farther... She also wrote that she's afraid to let him do more (I'll spare you the details) because she's afraid to be called a slut and afraid it will hurt.(I know some of you disagree with me for reading her journal and I respect that. It is unlocked and laying on her floor--I don't have to search it out.)
I will be leaving work early today to park where I can watch who goes into the house and will then sneak in and bust them.
I am so mad, scared, and sad. I was excited for her to be a cheerleader and have a positive extra curricular activity to be involved in. We are planning to fly her to a family wedding by herself so that she can participate in all the end-of-8th-grade things and still be at the wedding for 36 hours.
I can't seem to make an impression on this kid. There are no consequences that seem to matter. She doesn't have a cell phone. She doesn't have a tv or phone in her room. She's not involved in community activities after school (for lack of said activities in our area and resistance on her part) and she only plays summer softball.
I'm seriously considering a babysitter for her. I'm considering pulling her from cheerleading and not flying her to the wedding. I don't know what I'll do with her this summer. Last summer she had to spend 90% of her time with her grandfather but I can only take so much advantage of my dad.
It's been suggested I set up very clear chores, responsibilities and acceptable/unacceptable behaviors and give her until May 23rd to show she can do it. (May 23rd is when cheerleading money is due.) But how do I keep her behavior in check after she gets the things she wants? Do I give her privileges just for the leverage of taking them away when she pulls a stupid stunt?
And that doesn't help me over the summer. AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH. Any ideas before I explode???
Dani

I think it's clear that your dd isn't yet mature enough to stay alone.
One morning my DD left home and went in the wrong direction out of the driveway. I knew she was going to b/f's house simply b/c of the direction she went. His parents were at work so I knew they would be alone. That's a huge no, no. I went over there but since it's not my house, I didn't bust in. I did call her repeatedly and she wouldn't answer her phone. I called his mom and told her about the situation. She called her son and told him to have DD call me. As usual, she gave no consequences to her son b/c he is older and although she agrees with me they shouldn't be in either house alone, she has not point blank told him this, therefore, he broke no rules and didn't deserve punishment. This is her way - no rules, therefore, no he can't break them and doesn't deserve punishment or consequences. Sorry, I digress. Anyway, DD lost her car for a couple of weeks and had to wash windows. I've found chores work really well for DD. She's learned to be honest with me to a fault - sometimes she tells me more than I want to know.
I would probably do the same thing that you are planning to do even though I think it is a mistake. I think maybe watching and seeing it just to make sure its true before you confront her and then talk to her about this when the b/f's not around would probably be better. If you bust in, she will be embarrassed and angry with you and will suddenly go into defense mode. She won't hear anything you have to say. Plan ahead of time what you are going to say and above all do not DD push your buttons. If you feel yourself starting to loose your temper or if she begins to loose her temper, take a few minutes to regroup and then try again. My DD can push buttons with the best of them but I've made a concentrated effort to put a stop to this and she doesn't try very often anymore. We can talk things through. Alot of this has to do with her age (she's almost 18 now) but it also has to do with being taught how to work things out calmly.
Since your DD is becoming sexually active, please make sure you've had all the talks with her and continue to have them on a regular basis. Cover the emotional issues and consequences in addition to the physical ones and you may need to consider birth control although 13 is a very young age. However, 13 is also an extremely young age to become a mom.
I definitely wouldn't take cheerleading or softball away from her. These are positive activities that help to prevent her from being home alone.
Good Luck!
Thanks, Pam.
She is an 8th grader and he's a freshman. The schools are on the same campus so they meet up after school.
Unfortunately I am the only office person at my job so I don't have the option of changing hours (I may discuss it with my boss because we do have a part timer but we need her here in the mornings when it's busier). He is as flexible as he can possibly be--like letting me leave today to handle this while he stays at the office. That's the biggest reason I stay--I like my job and it does have all the little perks and flexibility.
They have been "going out" for almost 1.5 yrs. It's the strangest thing. She's not allowed to go and do things with him or even have him over to the house. Supervised group activities are okay, but that's all. I don't know what their relationship is based on. I thought he'd get tired of it and move on but at this point it looks like he's going to wait until she's hits high school and eventually date (schedule for not before 16yo at this point).
How do parents encourage good decision-making skills and mature thinking when you can't ever let them be in a position to make those decisions because they're not trustworthy? It's a catch-22.
Wow--can you tell I'm STILL steamed? And it's 4 hour later...
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I for one will not judge you for looking in her diary - and especially because it's lying on the floor in her room. The moms who will judge you for that (probably none here anyway) do not have untrustworthy teens (that they know of, anyway). Some moms just don't get that you can talk till your blue in the face about sex and this kind of stuff but some teens are just not going to share that kind of stuff with you, like it or not. Can you tell that I have a dd who is the same way? And yeah, it really is tough finding about stuff that you really can't reveal you know about -however, your in a perfect position to "catch them" in the act.
If you can't change your work hours, let your dd know that you will be making several such unscheduled "drop ins" at different hours of the p.m. - she will never know when or if you are going to show up. Then do so - in no particular pattern, maybe taking your lunch hour around that time? And of course, keep talking to her about sex even though she doesn't talk back to you about it. I've heard that it still helps.
Above all, don't feel bad - according to the author of Queen Bees and Wannabees and her years of research, about 95% of teen girls hide this kind of stuff from their moms - even though some moms are completely clueless about it and think that their dd's tell them everything!
You sound like a good mother to be concerned and involved in your DD's life.
Dani,
I think your idea of catching them in the act is a good one. I think the bf needs to know you know what's going on and be embarrased by you "busting them". Then you don't need to tell your dd how you found out by reading her journal. You could just say you got off work early for one reason or another.
I personally would leave her in cheerleading for now. It's a constructive activity and you'll know where she'll be and that she is safe for the period of time she's at practice. But I would warn her that you will take her off the squad if this type of behavior continues. There does have to be some type of consequence for this.
I feel for you. I have a dd 15 who I'm going through similar experiences with. We communicate a lot but I just don't know whether it's really sinking in. And I totally agree with the poster who said most kids don't tell you everything. One thing that has worked well for us is to put chores/rules/consequences in writing. We actually make up a "contract" for certain things that are expected of her and lay out what the consequences will be. As far as being home alone, do you have a neighbor that could occassionaly check on her while you're at work? If she knows there are other sets of eyes on her, that might help. As for the summer, are there any camps in your area where she could volunteer to be a counselor. My dd did this last summer and actually really enjoyed it.
Good luck and let us know how it turns out.