disrespecting mom and stepdad
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| Fri, 03-24-2006 - 2:43pm |
DD(14) oh the drama!!!
SHe refuses to talk to my husband, she doesnt' like him and wont' answer his inquiries to "HI, how are you?"
She says to her stepmom that she is not talking to me either.
Well, let's see, if she wants anything in the house, like cookies or a ride to Walmart, she has to talk to me. Do I let her have those luxuries or do I tell her no, Luxuries and respect is given to those who earn it.
Hubby of 8 months is quite nice, has no enemy except my DD(14). The other two kids love him because they see that he makes me happy, happier than I was being a single mother.
HUbby buys the good stuff, soda, cookies, ice cream, etc and I know she would want some. Does he give in to her or should he stand his ground and tell her "No, I bought them and you do not like me so I wont'share with you..."
SHe is hearing the big NO a whole lot from me until she learns to control herself and not disrespect me.
No to sleep overs, friends coming over, phone calls, internet, anything she asks of me that does not include her necessity to living, it's a NO!
LARK

While I understand the temptation to fight fire with fire, I would not suggest DH or you bring yourself down to her level like that. She needs to know that love and priviledges are two seperate things.
Also, things like a few cookies, or having friends over, or even phone privileges may just prolong your mexican standoff.
Perhaps the lesson here should be her understanding that you and DH are not inclined to go out of your way to accomodate her with special favors that take *your* time and energy until she cooperates as part of the family..etc..
I'd continue being pleasant, try to initiate conversation even if met with silence, and be patient until she finally realizes it's impossible to live on her island.
I know you're right and that is why I come to the board to start with. I honestly don't know what to do to get my good girl back and it kills me to live with this sullen, crabby person that doesnt' resemble anything that I raised to have in my house.
SHe is currently in her room listening to her music, and leaving me alone. She hasn't asked for anything and when she does, I won't confront her with "no,no,no,,," but I will ask what has she done to deserve this privilege?"
LARK
Good Luck
Giving respect is not an innate behavior like looking for food is... it is a learned behavior, and most kids learn it from their parents.
YOU SAID "The easiest way to get your wonderful little girl back? IMHO, show an honest interest in the things she enjoys, and do them with her."...
Been there, done that.....
We actually listen and like the same kind of music, she and I love the computer and download songs together and make CD's of the same music. I got her hooked on the musical, "WICKED" and bought the book and songs and lyrics. We sing together from the radio. She is in Band, I go and participate in her things in school, always have, we both have myspace accounts....
I've done all that and she still runs to her father. Last night we made choc chip cookies together and watched the show on TLC "Little People Big World" until my hubby got home and then she promptly retreated to her bedroom. I am not divorcing my hubby because she happens to not like him. We are fine together when he is not here but I am starting to think she really thinks of him as a threat to our mother-daughter relationship and she needs to realize that it's not her call to make on who I marry or hang out with. I Have a right to have a life other than "MOM" to her and her siblings.
LARK
I just saw this post and felt it was worth maybe suggesting a couple things we did here to try and help. First off, it's not about you. It's your DH and your DD. I'm wondering IF she feels 2nd best, possibly sees him as a threat (not in a bad way).
Btw, I have 2 teen daughters (15 and almost 13) who used to do the samething to my DH, their stepdad. They actually loved him until we got married then they began to change. It's taken much time / effort, but it's been worth it for our own sanity, LOL.
I know most parents don't feel it's appropriate, but I took a step back. You need a ride? I'm busy, ask him. You want a sleepover? I'm going out with a friend, ask him since he'll be here. You need computer (or school) help? I don't know much about it, ask him. You need a team snack? Ask him. You get the idea. I at this time still would handle the mouthy attitude etc, but my DH was becoming involved with them. They didn't really have a choice IF they honestly wanted something. They "tried" to come between us. They "tried" to go without, but eventually they realized mom was serious and "he" is willing when I wasn't. Btw, my DH has 2 boys that live with us FT and he pretty much had to turn them over to me while he worked on a relationship with my girls.
Food / drinks has never been an issue here. Whatever is here, is here for the "family" and yes that includes those mouthy, door slamming teenage girls.
At times the girls will call their birth father when something isn't their way and that infuriated me. Thankfully, we have a good relationship and I can remind him how munipulating kids can be at times. I don't tolerate playing one parent against the other.
My DH has gone above and beyond to connect with them. He's learned (as most parents of teens eventually do) to pick your battles carefully.
In an example like the one you mentioned, IF one of my girls had not even said hello (assuming your DD didn't) and tried to strom off, I would have gotten on her case right then and there. My number one rule in this house is: Respect everyone.
So I think you're right. She feels he's a threat and thats very normal :) You DO deserve to have a life and although it may seem impossible, with a lot of effort it WILL improve. My two girls relationship with my DH has done a complete turn around. They spend time with him easily now in any family situation, laugh, talk and once again love him.