Asking vs telling - semantics or respect

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Registered: 03-25-2003
Asking vs telling - semantics or respect
9
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 12:18pm
Okay, this bugs me and I'm trying to decide if it SHOULD bug me. My 15 y.o.DfS tends to "tell" me things that he is planning to do that I think he should be "asking" instead! Stuff like "I'm going to my dad's for a few hours. I'll be home by dinnertime." (His deal with Social Services is that he has free access to visit his dad as long as he asks me and lets me know when he's coming home) or "I'm going to invite Jeff over for dinner.". To me it grates on my nerves because it seems disrespectful that he is not ASKING if these things are okay, but I know that the end result is the same. If he announces that he is inviting Jeff over for dinner, I can still say "no, tonight is not a good night." He'll whine and argue - but he'd do that even if he'd "phrased it in the form of a question" in the first place, and I still have the final say. So I'm trying to tell myself that whether he puts a question mark at the end or not doesn't really matter. After all, true disrespect would be if he did these things WITHOUT telling me at all. In his former foster home he just went to his dad's whenever he wanted and then lied about it afterwards, and certainly, how he phrases a request is not a big deal in terms of problems I COULD be having! But it still bothers me because it seems like he is forgetting who's "in charge". How would you feel about it? Is it small enough to let slide, or is it the beginning of a slippery slope downwards?
Avatar for mily12
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Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 1:35pm

I don't think he's forgotten who is in charge since he doesn't disobey you. As you said, you have the final word and eventhough he whines about it, he does what you tell him to do. I know what you mean, though. It used to bother me, also, when my kids would "announce" their plans instead of "asking." Knowing I have the final word has helped me overlook the issue. It's only a matter of symantics. But if it's something that really bothers you then calmly bring it up to him. He may not even be aware of how he's phrasing his intentions. Is he respectful in other areas? If so, then it's possible that it's just an oversight on his part.

Mily

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Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 4:27pm

This bugs me too, not so much from a respect perspective but from a self-centeredness. There are other people to consider, and out of politeness you should take some of that into consideration. I try to treat it with humor with my DD14 - if she says "I'm going to go....." I say (with a smile) "I would like to go...." or "can I go....." and wait for her to re-phrase it. Her favorite is "my friends and I decided we're going to ____ this weekend" and I say "of course you meant to say, if our parents say it's OK". She gets a little annoyed, but it makes the point without a fight.

Sue

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Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 5:57pm

OK, in the overall scheme of things that you're dealing with, with DfS, how important is this?

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Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 3:10am

i happen to agree with you that our children should "ask" and not "tell".


however, this is a special case, because this is not a child that you have raised from birth in a certain way, and its possible/probable that in *his* way of thinking (that was formed in other places/culture) when he tells you"i'm going to invite jeff over for dinner" he actually MEANS that he is asking for your permission.


I am not saying that you should let this slide. but i think that this is something that he should be TAUGHT. so sit him down and tell him that you truly appreciate that he *informs* you of these things, but as his parent, you want him to know that you would 'prefer' that he 'asked' you - you see this as a sign of disrespect otherwise. and then, make sure that you praise him when he DOES 'ask' and do build in a 'grace' period of letting it 'slide'.

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Registered: 05-17-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 9:19am

My son does the same thing. We had a talk about it and he feels that since he is getting older he should be able to let us know what his plans are and if it conflicts with ours then we should tell him. I think it is just one of the ways they like to asert that they are growing up.

On the other hand, I asked my mom if I could go places each and every time up until the day she died when I was 17. It did not stop me from being disrespectful in other ways or from growing up.

Michelle

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Registered: 10-21-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 11:31am
I'd be inclined to give in on this one - with the exception of the whining. If it gives him a feeling of empowerment to at least "appear" to be calling the shots on some things, I think that's ok. But I would make it clear that mom has the final word and - while discussion on the topic is ok, whining and arguing is not. If it makes no difference to you if he goes to his dad's or has a friend over, go ahead and happily accept his "telling" you.
jt
Avatar for momtb4
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 6:15pm
we have the same issue, I think it's a teen thing. My reply is generally something like "is that a request or an order?" Asking him to phrase it in the form of a question might help him reprogram his thinking. Tell him you want him to ASK, not inform, because you are responsible for him. Then try to be sure you are saying yes, just to reinforce it as a habit.
Avatar for kel7col4
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 7:59pm

Must be a teen thing - dd does this occassionaly and I just state lightly that it would be nice to be asked and not told. Dd gets sheepish, apologizes and restates as a question. Definitely a matter of picking your battles, and if there were bigger issues w/ dd I would probably let it slide, knowing I have the final say.




iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 8:21pm
I think it is just the pattern he has fallen into, and he can get away with it with you because youlove him. I think if it were my child, every time he said something like that I would point out that it is much nicer for him to ask rather than tell even though the action has the same result. Someday he will say this to someone who won't like it or won't let him get away with it; and it is probably good for him to learn to be more politically correct.