The war begins?

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
The war begins?
18
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 8:02am

Well, things started out well yesterday. DD did bring home a piece of paper with a note from 3 of her classes and a progress report from the 4th. She now has 1 B, 2 C's and 1 D in her Core Classes. The note from her teachers listed homework and the progress report listed missing assignments (the class with the D). I had told dd - if you have homework, I want to see it; if you have homework and finish it in class, I want something signed saying it was turned in. She came home and did her one assignment and was immediately asking to use the computer. I stuck my guns and said no - the agenda was not used and there are assignments listed that I don't know were turned it. She tried to keep her composure, but I could tell she was quite upset. She left the room.

We stayed separate for a bit and then I asked about the agenda. She has no idea where it is. Me: "Ok let's go get another." Her: "Well that's all I need, I don't want to go." Me: "Well, I'm not paying for yet another agenda, maybe if you use your money, holding onto it will become more important." Her: Grudgingly stomps off to get ready.

We go to the store Get to the store and park. Me: "Okay, go find yourself an agenda." Her: "I forgot my money." Me: Put car in reverse and go home.

Within 2 minutes of walking in the house she is on the computer - knowing my state of mind at the point and hers, battling that moment was going to get ugly. I left it alone, let her think she is winning the battle, but while she is gone today the computer or some important component will be gone. The war will officially begin at approximately 3pm eastern.

I need the strength to do this calmly and not let her get to me. Oh and BTW this is the last week of the grading quarter (not 2 weeks from now as I thought). I have been known to be let things slide in the past, I guess this is going to come back to haunt me. Sticking to your guns is really hard, but I have to step up to the plate here. Guess it will get worse before it gets better. Am I looking at this the right way?

Does Calgon still exists?




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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 8:48am
Sticking to your guns may not be as hard as you think. All depends on how you view her problem. Keyword - her.
If you think in terms of yourself being the "heavy", imposing punishment and stifling restrictions, then yes, this will be difficult.
If you detach yourself from the looming guilt trip she will most certainly try to impose (after all...this is all YOUR fault... :-) then you will succeed.
For most of us in the free world, "free time" is enjoyed after responsibilities are completed. You can't make her study, but you can remove virtually all of the distractions which take its place. The rest is up to her.
Let her fire her missiles. Let her march to battle with banner unfurled. You be the Ghandi here.
She will bait you into argumentative dialogue you don't need. When you see results, she will see results.
Detach...detach....detach.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 9:34am

I feel your pain...rather than dismantle the computer, password protect the user accounts..

Start/Control Panel/User Accounts
1. If she has one, delete it or change the password to something only you know.
2. If there isn't one specifically set up for her, password the Administrator account.

Either way, when the screen saver clicks on, you need a password to get into the computer.

This is how I've kept my kids off of the computer until I get home from work to log them on.

Mom to Emily (18), Conor (17) and Hannah (12)
Wife to David - 8/20/88

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2004
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:08am
Having a hard time grasping why this is so hard for you. Just don't let her use the computer until she has her schoolwork under control. Give her account a new password and don't let her know it. Log her on when you think she needs to and that's it.
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:30am

Nothing to grasp - everything is already done as far as her computer. My difficulty is not making this a bigger deal than it already is (in her mind). I know everything in live isn't peachy keen when dealing with teens, but as has been said so many times on this board - the battling gets overwhelming and gets blown out of proportion. I am attempting to change from parenting a kid to parenting a teenager - something that I am just learning are 2 different concepts. I have a habit of over-reacting, something I am trying to control in myself. I have a habit of making mountains out of mole-hills, something else I am trying to control to better myself as a parent of a teen. I have a habit of taking her mental games to me to heart and I am attempting to not let her turn this around on me....

I apologize if this appears so simplistic....




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:31am
Boy do I know how you feel! And you got some good advice from daddio.
My own DD (8th gr)had 7 missing assignments in Math, and we grounded her from the computer (password protected it)and did the whole agenda thing, and it helped. So far this reporting period she has only 1 missing assignment (the problem with her many times is she forgets to turn things in, even after doing the work).
I have had to work on "detaching" as daddio mentioned in his post. That was hard for me because I feel like her success or failure is a reflection of me as a parent. I would lie awake at night worrying that my DD would get a C on her report card -And she did. And the world is still spinning.
Stick to your guns and hang in there!
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:35am

Thank you so much daddio - this was exactly what I was looking for I guess with my post - ways of coping when it gets ugly.

Detaching myself is the most difficult thing for me, because as you said it will be my fault (of course) and we have a habit of turning into something bigger than it is. I need to learn out to control myself and not let it get emotional.

I am in fact going to memorize your post to me LOL




Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:46am

Our dd's sound identical, as of her progress report yesterday in history she had 7 missing assignments.

Detaching does seem to be the key here and it is something I am going to desperately attempt as it something I would have never thought about. I try to keep the emotions out of it, but once the tears and attacks begin, I tend to get defensive, which of course she sharpens her claws on.

I can do this LOL




iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 10:52am

Hugs to you and your DD. I went through this with my DD when she was 15 and we were all miserable for a while. I did a couple of things - first of all, she kept saying she couldn't pay attention in class or she just didn't understand what the teachers were saying. I had her tested for ADD and she is now taking med and doing better.

The other thing I did was teach her the importance of staying caught up in school and actually learning the material. I literally called all her teachers on Fri and found out what if any assignments she was missing or did poorly on. She wasn't to go out on the weekend until all of those assignments were completed to my satisfaction. Once the work was completed she could then make plans to go out with her friends. It didn't matter if the teacher would accept the work late or not. I stressed to DD that this was about learning the material. She couldn't move on to the next step if she hadn't learned the current material. She actually got my point after a while. She realizes that school is much easier if she stays caught up and actually learns the material as she goes along.

Most of Dd's teachers were okay with this and didn't mind my calling on Fri. I had one that didn't want to be bothered. I went to the school and met with her and explained that my ultimate goal was to teach my DD the importance of staying on top of her work. My goal wasn't to get the zero's replaced in the grade book but to teach my DD the material. Once the teacher understood this, she was willing to help me. Some weeks I wouldn't get in touch with all the teachers. If I couldn't talk with the teachers, I would come up with an assigment that DD had to do that covered at least some of the material for the week.

DD is about to graduate. She's a straight A student (honors classes) and is 12th in her class of over 300 students. Not bad for someone that was close to having alot of D's her sophmore year.

Good Luck and remain calm and diligent with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:26am

Yesterday by her using the computer, it has put her in control, not you. As a parent of teens, it's very important to show consistency on your "threats".

You would not be the first parent to contact every one of her teachers, arrange a meeting and have your daughter brought there to answer for herself, with you there. Teeneagers "think" they know it all and let me assure you that my own daughter was very upset when she was called into a meeting only to find me there as well. I also informed everyone sitting at the table that IF I had to, I be there daily taking her from class to class, checking work etc. You think my daughter even wants to think that might be possible? LOL She turned those grades / papers around pretty quickly - and btw, I did sit in the hallway (outside the office) briefly for a couple days. Just enough so her friends saw I was around and reported back to her!

In addition, slam a bedroom door in this house and I remove it for one week. One teen daughter had that happen, her sister learned by example. Scream at me and I calmly inform you that I am done talking to you for the remainder of the day. I used to get so upset over their "mental" games, just like you and had to find another solution to save my sanity, LOL. To two teen girls, the worst thing I can do is not talk to them until morning even though for about the first hour they love it. I've ripped cable cords out of the wall, pulled tv / stereos out. Done it all. Harsh to some maybe, but all I know is that here in our house, I demand respect and follow through with each and every so called threat. IF I didn't, our house could easily be ruled by 2 mouthy, moody teenage girls who wouldn't care about school work or anyone else for that matter.

Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kel7col4
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:28am

Kudos to you for being such an involved parent and finding something that worked so well for you. And Kudos to the teachers as well for being so compliant. My dd was diagnosed ADD-Inattentive in the 4th grade (she's 8th now). We attempted the meds and they were just disatrous with her - my happy "ditzy" kid, became a miserable child with minimal improvement (actually her teachers were quite shocked to hear of her diagnosis).

Anyway, we decided not to go the med route. This year seemed to be a huge improvement her grades were decent - each grading period she would have 1 C and the rest A's and B's - and that with cheerleading practice 6 days a week, 2 - 3 games a week, and competitions and having the social life. And then cheerleading ended and BOOM! Her last progress reports were a little lower than what had been seen prior, but I didn't stress it.

I had been emailing her teachers weekly at the beginning of the year, but all seemed well, so I slacked off to bi-weekly. Beginning of the year, I was stressing the agenda as well, but the teachers weren't and the grades weren't appearing to be affected so I slacked off with that as well.

This has been dd's history in the past - slack off, slack off, slack off and then boom last week of the quarter bust her butt to get everything done. I kept trying to stress the fact that each quarter you start with a clean slate - you have straight A's, it's up to you what you do with them. Do your work AND turn it in and life is so much less complicated. But again I was impressed that she was able to stay on top of everything during cheerleading season and thought the worst was behind us. That's what I get for thinking!

I will attempt to find something that works for us - her biggest downfall has always been socializing too much. I know the impending move is affecting her and I need to stop feeling guilty about that - her teacher's seemed to think the move was a reason for her downslide. I did feel bad with the last move (this time last year) and let too much slide out of guilt. Something I need to let go of!!

Congrats to you and your dd - you both must be so proud!




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