Son is driving me freakin crazy!
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| Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:36am |
Okay - so back to the saga of my 17, soon to be 18, year old son. He got kicked out of school due to lack of attendance 3 weeks ago. Only 4 months to go in grade 12 too - but thats another story and most of you have heard me rant about that one!
Anyway, I told him if he didnt go to school then he must find a job. I did warn him when he quit school that his relationships with his friends, especially his girlfriend, at school would change. Sure enough they did. Girlfriend found another guy and broke up with him. He was devastated! First love - they'd been seeing each other for over 2 years. So knowing his despair, I let him off the hook for awhile to heal a bit. He's been spending most of his time at his friend's house, another drop out, playing video and computer games all night and then coming home at 7 in the morning and sleeping all day. (The other boy's mom has her own issues - depressed I think - never seems to leave her room - sad situation really) but his friend is very polite and has never caused us any problems.
Anyway, so after about a week of this nonsense I told him that enough was enough and he had to find a job - even if it was just part-time. He said he wanted something night shift and agreed to apply at a local fast food restaurant for that shift. He filled out the app and they called him for an interview which he ended up missing due to sleeping thru it. Told him to call them, apologize and see if they would reschedule. Well, he did and they did -he went but unfortunately they wanted someone 18 years old - so much for that.
So I told him he had to come up with an alternative plan. Last night he wanted a ride to his friend's house again at 10 pm. Normally I make him walk but I thought it would be a good opportunity to talk with him (captive audience in the car). Well, he was in a horrible mood and basically blamed everyone but himself for his predicament. I told him that he has only himself to blame for getting kicked out of school. He kept saying it was the school's fault, our fault, blah blah blah. Then I told him that he had to find a job or find some other option (maybe summer school). He told me to "shut the f-up" and "get off his 'f-ing case'. Well, I kinda went ballistic after that and told him that he appreciates nothing anybody does for him, its his own fault for where he is now, etc. etc. We've offered to help him out on so many levels, even offered to help him buy a car (nothing expensive) but something to get around in as long as he saved up $500 - thats all we wanted from him. He said to me "big deal, a crappy car worth 3 grand". I told him my parents never bought me a car, much less a cheap one, and its taken me until I'm 40 and years of hard work to get something new.
I also asked him if he ever thought WHY his girlfriend broke up with him. Maybe because other boy has a car, works part-time and has money (she was always paying for my son) and actually valued his education. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say but I'd had it with him big time. I also told him that if he didnt get off his butt and start doing something for himself he could find somewhere else to live. Well, his last words to me were "ya, throw me out on the street stupid b--ch".
Needless to say I was incredibly angry, hurt, you name it and cannot tolerate the disrespect. I didnt sleep a wink last night and so far he's at his friend's house. Normally when we know he's there we leave the back door open for him but this time I locked everything up. Not sure what will happen if he tries to get in (he has no key). My 13 year old daughter is home (spring break) and I hope nothing bad happens if he comes home, like he goes ballastic or something.
Anyway, I just dont know what more to do. Do I proceed with tough love and actually kick him out or do I just let him find his own way but not go out of my way for him ie. no rides, no money, no buying any food he likes, etc. and hope he comes to his senses. Its totally disrupting all our lives and I'm not sure how to proceed.
Thanks in advance for your suggestions!

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Don't have much too offer in the way of experience or advice, just wanted to send you a {{{hug}}} or two.
I think you have given your DS every opportunity to get his life on track and he hasn't taken advantage of your generousity. IMO, it seems like you have done and are doing the right thing. I hope your day gets better.
Jules
And yes, we had to do this to one of our almost 18 year-old kids 2 years ago. It was a major wake-up call for her. After 2 weeks of crashing with various loser friends and their loser families she contacted us and asked us to help her re-enroll in high school. She did a 180 degree turn-around, graduated on the honor roll and is finishing up her freshman year in college on the dean's list.
You are under no obligation to tolerate this behavior in your home, and you may wind up doing your son a favor by tossing him out.
First, hugs to you mom, this must be really hard and trying for you.
I don't see any evidence of tough love so far. I think you should type up a contract explaining what you expect from him should he decide to remain in YOUR home and what he can expect in return, such as food & bedroom. Detail in this contract that you are not obliged to give him money or rides for nothing in return. Detail what chores will definitely be expected of him, whether it be mowing the lawn, taking out trash, whatever. Be VERY explicit but make it short and to the point - one page max, with room for signatures on the bottom for you, H and him. With the contract you can also attach various options that are available to your son, such as taking adult ed classes so he can learn some skills, whether those skills be computers or accounting, whatever, as long as he is applying himself at SOMETHING before he can get his GED.
If he balks at the suggestion of a contract, no less agreeing to the terms, & signing it, then show him where the door is and give him a deadline to meet the terms of the contract or find other living arrangements. Even if his friend and his dysfunctional family take your son in, that will only last so long before he will need a new place to crash.
Keep in ming that there are no guarantees that your son will shape up in a matter of weeks or even months. I have a friend whose 18dd drifted for almost a year before she finally agreed to live back at home and apply to nursing classes at the local community college. I hope it works out for you and your son - it's such a waste for him to sitting around playing video games. I cringe just thinking about the way he spoke to you!
It may be helpful to take a step back and look at your situation. Sometimes we all have situations where we can’t see the forest due to the trees.
What you’re describing sounds a lot like some heavy drug use.
Please...Take ivdarian’s advice.
It will be the most helpful thing you can do for him.
Sounds like he already has a place to stay. If he refuses to leave, you may have a problem until he's 18. Then kick his rear out. Hopefully the police won't have to assist you in his eviction, but they will if need be.
When reality sets in, or he can’t afford the drugs anymore(whichever comes first), he will want to move back home.
Then take heartsandroses advice, but not too fast.
He needs a job first, agreed upon rent, and specific behavior policies. Make it clear to him that violating your clearly defined expectations puts him back on the street. He really needs to know that part, and you need to back it up. He needs to know you are not going to be played so he can eat and have a roof over his head.
Thanks for all your support. I honestly dont think he's using drugs. Maybe some alcohol at the dysfunctional kid's place but not drugs. He's never been a smoker or partier - not a social kid at all really - always enjoyed home and I've always known where he is. He has always had behavioral issues, laziness, that sort of thing. Never wanted to work for anything or do what he doesnt want to do. I've seen softer sides of him - helping his sister out, enjoying "chick" movies - I know there's a good kid in there somewhere.
But yes, you are all right, he needs some "tough love". I've been coddling him too much and making excuses. We live in a small town, about 20 minutes from a bigger centre, so jobs and stuff are hard to come by without transportation. I've suggested counseling numerous times for him but he refuses to go as "he doesnt have a problem". I can't force him to go.
I will make up a contract and have it ready for him when he gets home. If he refuses to sign it I will tell him that he has a week to find somewhere else to live. Does that make sense?
even if he does sign the contract, I would stop supplying any cash for him at all.
What you should probably do is research the laws in your state. In some states parents are legally obligated to provide shelter to their kids until age 17...in some states its age 18. If the age is 17 in your state, give him 24 hours to pack up his possessions and leave. Don't scream or yell. If he tries to escalate by yelling, don't take the bait. Remain calm. Let him know that he is welcome to come over for occasional dinners (by invitation only) and for holidays. Don't sever all ties, because chances are that he will straighten up and come around. CHANGE THE LOCKS THE NEXT DAY.
If your son has violent tendencies, then your suggestion is a better one. Wait until he is out of the house, change the locks and put his stuff outside. If you have some strong, healthy male relatives it might be a good idea to have them there.
Let's hope you won't have to resort to any of this.
Well, I'd been calling my daughter all day to see if he was home and he wasnt. When I got home from work at 5 pm he was home but downstairs in his room sleeping. I'm sure he'll remain there for the next 10 - 12 hours. As soon as he's awake I will have a talk with him and present the contract. Then we will see what happens from there. If he does agree to the contract I will definitely use the suggestion of no rides, money, laundry, food he likes, etc. Maybe that will entice him to get a job and a life.
I am still incredibly hurt by the way he talked to me and the language used. Not sure how long it will take me to get over that. Sigh!
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