Could This be The Problem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Could This be The Problem?
11
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:53am
Everyone here knows that I am having problems with my daughter and her current b/f. I also have had the concerns over my daughters seemingly "need" for a boyfriend. Something dawned on me during my prayer time and I think I know why. Her father whos is a very hard worker has at most times put his job ahead of the family. He has missed several games of my daughters because of work (work that he didn't have to do), she has made the comment many times that his work comes first. When he is on the phone talking to other people in the business he always says "you and I live for this" like that's all he lives for. Could she possibly be clinging to guys because she feels tha lack of attention from her dad, and if so is there a remedy at this stage in her life (17 1/2 and getting ready to graduate)Could she pick these guys because they have no ambition for their job or anything else and give all the attention to her. Could this be it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 10:42am

It very well could be although some people just have an "addictive need for a b/f or g/f". My DD seems to be afraid to be w/o a b/f as well and the strange thing for her is that she seems to choose guys with alcohol problems just like her dad. I don't understand why she would want that when she's seen first hand the problems it's caused. Someone here explained to me that maybe she's choosing this b/c it's familar to here and she knows what to expect and how to deal with it. Bad to here is better than the unknown. In your DD's case, she may be choosing the unamitious type in an effort to get away from the overambitiousness of your DH.

I think a good key to answer your question is that this solution came during your prayer time. You were probably very focused on the situation and having a peaceful moment with few distractions and were able to see more clearly. God may have sent that answer to you and w/o the distractions you were able to hear Him.

I don't know how to change it except to keep in mind that you can't undo 17 1/2 years overnight. It will be a long, slow process. I still expect my DH to react to things the way he did for 18 years while he was drinking. It's been 6 years since he quit. Combine that with the fact that I was an adult and not in the early learning stages during the worst of it. So it may be even harder for your DD to "unlearn" or change. It will take alot of patience and effort on both yours and DH's part. DH will need to help with this.

One of the things I've done with my Dd's is to explain to them why I reacted to DH the way I did at times and hope that they can learn from my mistakes and my positives. It has helped especially with the oldest as she is more mature and capable of getting the message.

Or to complicate things further, it could just be that she likes the "bad" guys or is just doing this to irritate you. I think with youngest DD its some of both.
Good Luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:00am

IMHO there is some grain of validity to the daughter / father thing bantered about in various psycho-babble forms, but frankly its given way more importance than I think it deserves.
So....the general idea is dads absence or lack of attention makes daughters run to the arms of losers and makes for unhealthy co-dependent relationships.

Too often single moms hear this and wrongly conclude their daughters are doomed.

But there is a huge difference between "absence" and "lack of attention."

Most everybody has figured out that children would rather be praised than punished.

The part that often seems missed, is that children would rather be punished than ignored.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 11:50am

I almost gave you the new raspberry icon. I thought the psychiatrist type people always blamed the mom for everything. I guess it's about time the dad's got their fair share.

I'm just kidding. In most cases, there's plenty of blame to go around. I take a huge amount of responsbility for the problems that my DD's have in relation to their dad's drinking after all I stayed married to him through it all. I could have left and in some people's eyes I should have left. By staying I was subjecting them to his behavior and extreme moods, BUT I was also protecting them for unsupervised visits (which he would have won). This is what my girls are beginning to see. The oldest blamed me for a very long time but as time went on and I explained this to her and she realized that it was no win situation she is getting better.

I guess eventually the psycho-babble will realize that it's the "parents" and sometimes, yes, it's just the way the kid is wired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 3:58pm

Yes! Hold the raspberries! That was my point.
"Blame" (for lack of a better word) is not exclusive to male or female parents, but it makes for best selling books.

If dad (or mom) is completely out of the picture, I see no relevance to this question. Single parents can turn out responsible well adjusted children like anybody else.

But if dad (or mom) IS in the picture (regardless of marriage or divorce) but chooses not to be interested in anything to do with the child, the other parent is left dealing with the acting out and all the other associated baggage. Kind of a crappy situation.

Why some daughters consistently choose boyfriends that don’t seem to have much going for them will probably remain a mystery until the end of time. There are so many factors and possibilities why this may be.

It may be said that I’m an involved father. You should see some of the clowns my DD has briefly "dated." I think its all part of the process of growing up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 5:42pm

Are you sure you're not reading psychology texts??? LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 9:01pm
Yes prayer life is an important part of my day and it was during this that it came to mind. I have asked my husband to have a "date" night with my daughter once a week and he has agreed to try this. We will see what happens. Maybe I am reading to much into this I don't know. But giving them alone time together wont hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 6:31am

One on one time with a parent, either the same sex or the opposite, is rarely a bad thing for a teen.

Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 7:53am
Just wondering.... does your DH travel often? DD may feel there is something missing. The situation with my DD (16 1/2) is very similar to yours. Her dad has travelled quite often with his job and when he would be home, always seemed to talk about work. Until recently, he never initiated conversations with the kids... he just ordered them around. I guess that is how he grew up. Finally, after years of frustration, I asked him what he thought a father should be. He had a hard time coming up with an answer, because when he answered the way that question SHOULD be answered, he realized he was not fulfilling his role. He has changed, probably because he saw the effect it was having on DD. He had some heart-to-heart conversations with her and told her he loved her.... something that I'm sure was very hard for him. Now she is more confident and believes in herself a little more... nothing miraculous but things are certainly progressing. This all just happened within the last two months or so. Can you talk to DH about this? Even a couple of conversations between him and DD could help boost her self-image. She probably just wants Dad or ANY guy for that matter to BELIEVE in her. By choosing the loser guys, it might make her feel a little bit superior or in-charge.
Deb
Debbie
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 7:58am

Yes,I do agree - there is a grain of truth - a very tiny grain & then a million other factors to consider.

The whole "absent dad/invoved dad" scenario presented either as a solution or a source of blame in our daughter's behavior really sets me off. I posted awhile back about being subjected to a 20 minute diatribe by a very nice sah dad whose daughter attends school with my dd. The subject? The reason his dd isn't boy crazy is because his extreme involvement in her life addresses the burning question all teen girls have: Am I loved? I wanted to jump through the back seat and wring is scrawny metrosexual neck!

Glad to hear you've not gone over to the dark side, daddioe!

jt

ps. I once read an account of two men - the sons of a non-functioning aloholic father. The one was a wildly successful businesman and family man. The other? A non-functioning alcoholic. When asked to explain why their lives turned out as they did, they both had the same answer: How else would I have turned out, given my past?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2005
Fri, 03-31-2006 - 9:02am
Yes my husband has been gone alot. And yes when he has been home he does order my daughter around alot. And I do believe she is with this guy because she told me once she didn't feel like an idiot around him. The thing is she isn't an idiot. She is a very bright girl, good athlete, good student, good piano player, a very beautiful girl inside and out, who for some reason lacks self confidence. I just wonder why she can't see what this guy does and if he is so willing to play "the game" with others that he will and is doing it to her. I mean EVERYONE sees it but her.

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