There is light at the end of the tunnel!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
There is light at the end of the tunnel!
8
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 3:17pm

So....the saga continues but an upward turn for now anyway. Son came home this morning at 11 am after being out all night. He went right downstairs and proceeded to call ex-girlfriend. I listened at the door (I know, I know) and he was very upset and trying to convince her to re-kindle the relationship. She wasnt going for it I could tell so he hung up with her after about an hour. I know a lot of his problems right now is due to this breakup. He cared very deeply for this girl and they were together a long time in a teen relationship sense. He's taking it very, very hard.

I told my husband to invite him out for a movie. Even if he doesnt want to go he'd probably appreciate being asked. Husband asked him and he was quick to say yes. He then sat upstairs and talked with us, just normal stuff, for about 15 minutes. Then he asked if I'd take him to the movie store to rent a movie which I did. On the way home he said "Do you remember when I was in grade 9 and you took me to see a counselor?" I said, yes and he said "does it cost anything?" I said no, our health coverage pays for it. He said, "would you mind making me an appointment just so I could talk things through with someone". I was so shocked and said Of course I will and I was happy that he was taking this initiative. So tomorrow I will call and get him in as soon as possible.

He also asked me nicely if I would consider buying him a "beater" car - just something the could use to look for a decent job since we live in a small town and there's nothing here. He would consider it an 18th b-day present and pay me back for some of it if I wanted him to. I told him I would think about it however some things had to change - namely his disrespect for me lately. He apologized. I also asked him if he'd BBQ steaks for the family tonite since he's the best BBQ'er in the house and he agreed.

Only thing is he doesnt want to go back and work with his dad. Kinda figured that would happen - like oil and water those two. I'm not going to push that and I probably will consider getting him a car but he will be responsible for the gas, maintenance etc. I hope that he's not playing me but the fact that he asked for counseling on his own is a big step forward.

This is a happy, happy day for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 4:58pm
It is HUGE that he took the step to ask for counseling. Teen breakups can be very difficult for kids to get through ... it sounds like he has so much going on. He'll long remember that you were there for him.
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Sun, 04-02-2006 - 5:22pm
This is really good, tam. When he gets a job, he will have something good to focus on and he'll probably meet some new people... maybe even a new girl. Good for him for recognizing that he could benefit from some counseling; surely he'll be a willing participant in the sessions and really get something out of it.
Deb
Debbie
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 9:19am

Wow - I am SO happy for you (and son) - what a big 'mature' thing for him to do! I know there is joy in your heart!

As for working with dad, it's probably better if he finds his own way, you know what I mean? I know there is security for YOU if he works with dad, but for him to mature and feel independent and better about himself, perhaps he needs to find his own job separate from you and H. Oh, I will keep him in my thoughts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 10:43am

great going tamarah!!


i'm sure...


I hope that he is indeed serious about this - but you will find out soon enuf.


and personally - i wouldn't buy him a car just yet. i think that your son has a long way to go in terms of responsibility, not drinking, working, etc before you should be laying out money for him (and the AMOUNT Of money is irrelevant for this argument). your son, right now, is not working. so, right now, there is no way he could be responsible for the upkeep of a car (insurance, gas, maintenance). therefore - IF and when he will be working steadily for a while, AND showing you that he is not drinking, then you would consider LENDING him X amount of money toward a car.


and in the meanwhile, you have this little 'bribe' to dangle in front of him . this is a huge, and complex issue - because you say you live in the boonies, then he essentially needs some mode of transportation. i understand that this means that you or your DH will have to drive him, which means that you could *decide* to NOT drive him/wait for him/pick him up on those days when he is being abusive, for example. this will become HIS responsibility instead of you enabling him again. again ---- its great that he is going for therapy and i am hoping that you and your DH would consider getting some help in setting appropriate boundaries for him


good luck

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:22pm

That is wonderful news that your ds wants to see a counselor. Hopefully he will really "buy into it" and participate and get a lot of help from it. And how nice for you that he sat and talked calmly with you and agreed to help with dinner. We parents really need those little things when dealing with a teen that is giving us trouble!

I agree with sk1960 to wait on the car until he has saved some of the money required for the upkeep. Partly so he doesn't have to start out in debt on day 1 of the car but also for him to prove to you that he is really going to do this. A teen with a car can be a blessing and/or a curse! It is great when they use it to get to work or run an errand for mom, but when they start using it to run around all night or be off doing things that we don't approve of then it is a catalyst for problems.

I don't mean to rain on your parade but there are a couple of things that I was going to say in response to some of your other posts. I haven't been following the entire story of your problems with your ds so pardon me if I have some of it wrong or ask something that you have previously answered. You mentioned that he has "behavior problems". Has he ever been evaluated and diagnosed? From things you have said I started thinking depression but other conditions come to mind too. I hope that you can ask his counselor about evaluation, especially before he turns 18 and you fall out of the loop unless he authorizes your involvement.

I read your post about the bomb thing. Is that when he started skipping school? Did he know or suspect that the girl would tell some authority figure and he didn't want to be around school when the stuff hit the fan? Or is the skipping school a more long-term problem that finally came to a head? I hope that he will talk to the counselor about what compelled him to say those things and allow himself to get kicked out of school. Talking about his pain from the romantic breakup is a good place to start but there are a lot of other issues that seem more pertinent to his future; most people are able to get over a broken heart in a few months but some of his *choices* will follow him and need to be overcome.

I also saw the thread where there was discussion of tough love, kicking him out etc. I suggest that while things are calm you formulate a plan for what you will do just in case things go back to that state. Think about what house rules you will insist on, etc. It sounds like he is still staying out all night, is that fine with you? Are you concerned that your younger teen is watching and filing it away for when she is 17?!

I am sorry that you are going through all of this, I do know how hard and painful it is. (One of my kids made a lot of poor choices and really put us through hell, and at other times she could be a joy to be with.) It is great that you have a lot of support here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 12:44pm

The bomb thing happened way back in October - when he was still in school and doing well in his first semester (the hard one with the difficult subjects) so not as a retaliation for quitting school, etc. this past month. We sat our son down Saturday and advised him of the police visit. He was quite shocked and said he didnt mean it and it was a joke. I told him okay, then he is to come with us on Tuesday night to talk to the police and let them know that. I expressed the severity of what he did, that uttering these kinds of threats ARE NOT A JOKE. He of course wanted to know "who turned him in" as he can't remember who he was chatting with. I honestly couldnt remember the girl's name but told him to ask the police officer. I dont think they'll tell him if he cant remember which is probably a good thing. I also told him that MSN is NOT secure and they can monitor conversations at any time. They might be watching him and he doesnt even know it (a little bit of a scare...lol).

I called the counselor and waiting for a reply back with his appt so we'll see how that goes. I am really torn on the car thing. It's sort of a catch-22 situation. Not much for work in our town, yet he needs transportation to work OUTSIDE of our town. I have done the driving back and forth thing with him before when he worked for 2 months at a fast food restaurant in the city. It was awful and literally drove me crazy.

My thinking is to suggest to him that he work a bit longer with his dad, earn the money he needs for insurance, registration, some gas etc. and then I will get him the beater car where he can look for a job outside of our town. I think the physical work with his dad will be good for him and his mental state (endorphines and that sort of thing) although there's always the chance that they might kill each other before then ;)

I will give him a time limit on the job hunt and if he doesnt comply then there will be consequences. I know that a car can be a good or bad thing. I'm still waffling on this one. I told him I would think about it and get back to him this week.

Do you think this is a wrong move? Am I being too soft?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 6:12pm

I am thrilled things are looking up!

I know I am in the minority on this, but I think you should get the car as soon as he finds a job.

I have played chaffeur and it was a very stressful time. DH was no help and gave useful advice like-"well, if you're busy, he'll just have to skip work".

Any job my boys have had, skipped work means FIRED. They have no tolerance for these teens because there are another 99 applications sitting on the shelf. DS2 was fired because he didnt give enough notice about baseball tryouts(he told them 3 days ahead and was supposed to do it 7-he was gone!)

DH has wanted to take the car away as punsihment.

ME-"and how will he get to work?"

DH-"I guess we'll have to take him"

ME-"I'm not willing to make that commitment"(I know darn well I'll be making 99 out of 100 trips but rather than argue about unequal division of labor for the 3,127th time in our marriage......)

If this sounds at all familiar, don't put yourself in that position. There are enough emotions flying around that house right now! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 6:51pm

I can sympathize with you over the car issue too... we also live way out in the boonies, the nearest place the kids can readily find work is 1/2 hr drive one way.