If I was your teen what would you do?
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| Wed, 04-05-2006 - 2:30am |
I know this is probably not a good place to post but I need to know what is going through my parents minds right now.
I am 19 (in fact in a month I wont be a teen anymore :/) and I just withdrew from uni on advice from my tutor due to faliure to keep up with the work. At uni they made me see a counsler who decided she thought I was crazy. I am not, its just that people at uni haven't known me all my life so all the weirdness that is me is not normal to them but its not an illness its just me. My mum has jumped on the crazy bandwagon though claiming i have anything from schizoaffective disorder, to "compulsive head banging" to social phobia to bipolar disorder ad nauseum. But basically her main complaints seem to be that she thinks im not higenic enough with my clothes and self (well while at uni i apparantly wasnt, even though i suggest my continuing livingness proves that one wrong, people are way too f-edup about washing these days imho i mean the more you wash the weaker your immune system gets, thatw wehy so many allergies these days) and she thinks I have been dilusional (I have no idea what she means by this though, she just said to me one day "you have lots of dillusions") and she thinks I have mood swings (I think since lately I have actually had very stable and stoical moods but whatever) she thinks i dont have enough of a social life and finally she thinks I'm too dependant on her and dad and wants me out of the house.
At first I felt really guilty for staying here with my parents but then my dad explained she is not worried about me she just wants to live vicariously through me so now I feel less guilty.
My parents are planning to have a "talk" with me soon about "the future" and what I intend to do with myself for a) the rest of the year b) next year (when a new uni year starts) and c) for my life. I don't know how to explain that, even though I am not insane I am having some really intense mystical\spiritual\existential issues that as a result I can't focus on anything else. I mean, I watched the world evolve from nothing in front of my eyes, I have spoken with Nietszche, I have merged with everything and perceived every point in time all at once, and despite all that I am still basically confused and small and nihilistic. Its all really confusing, I have to work through this before I can get on with all that stuff. I cant focus on the mundane details of life because I can percive so mch more right now and I can't get that across without sounding crazy.
And I don't mind doing work *REALLY* good physical work would do me the world of good right now I know that, but I can't get my head round the planning process. Thats the problem, I just need to be told what to do and left to the words buzzing in my head while I do it. I can't work out how to make time work in the way it should and ideas follow in sequence. But instead of just giving me something to do they want me to do exactly what I cant and plan and care about the future when I am all things at once. How can I do that?
People I think overestimate my capabilities because I'm so eloquent.
What can I say to make them understand?
I'm posting this here because as parent you must know.

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Okay, wow. You've really said a lot in your short post and all of it is very interesting and thought provoking. I had to read it several times and really try to place one of my dd's in your shoes and me in the shoes of being your parent. *Obviously, I'm not YOUR parent, but you know what I mean.
Here is what I think I would do if I were in the shoes of your parent: I would not 'force' you or overly encourage you to go back to college if you're not fully engaged and willing to give it 100%. IMO, why waste the time and money?
That said, I would strongly urge you to do some type of service work, like Habitat for Humanity or the Peace Corps. Perhaps even something like Job Corps to explore some vocational careers. Not everyone is meant to be a college student - some are meant to do a little soul searching and exploration. Joining something like Habitat for Humanity will place the focus less on you and more on helping and working with others in need. When you are on a mission to GIVE of yourself, your talents and your energy, you grow in many ways. You will be afforded the 'alone' time needed to explore who you are and discover where your believe systems lie. You will meet amazing, talented and probably like minded people.
You sound intelligent and articulate and that is probably part of the reason your parents feel you're wasting time and slacking off or failing somehow. As far as the 'crazy' thing goes, I would strongly recommend that you seek a second opinion from a DR of your choosing, one that comes recommended by someone you trust and look up to. It's okay to think a lot of the ideas you're thinking and to explore those ideas - just be careful who you express them to. You know, it MAY be that you do need some medical attention, and that's not such a bad thing. I just think you should be with a DR who doesn't refer to your personality as being 'crazy'. If you genuinely need medical attention, it should be given by a compassionate and caring DR, one who has your best interests at heart.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find what you're looking for.
Oh my gosh! I can't believe you used the term "old soul." Someone told me my son had an old soul last week and I've been pondering it ever since, asking my friends, etc...
Please tell me exactly what you mean. And is that what led to your brother's death? Cause I'm scared for my son. Ever since he was about 5 people have been telling me he walks to a different beat than the rest of us, that he was more independent than most children, the latter especially now.
And perhaps your answer will help the OP to understand also.
Thanks,
zz
zz- since my 16dd was a little, I mean a really LITTLE girl, people have told me that she has an old soul. A psychic at our town's local New Age store explained to me that it means, in her view mind you, that my dd has had many past lives and carries with her an innate maturity into adult theories and attitudes; she has an uncanny insight into situations and themes of life that most kids her age do not have; she has an extensive vocabulary and ability to just 'know' how to spell things and has a very strong common sense and ability to 'read' people; she has a 6th sense about people and about situations.
Now, all that said, it is true that she has a 6th sense about people and situations, however, sometimes due to her life inexperience and lack of trust of her 'gut' she makes poor choices or doesn't listen to that little voice inside her head. She definitely was born with certain mature mannerisms and a mind boggling vocabulary. She was helping her OLDER sister with spelling and reading when she herself was only in kindergarten. *I must add that this is one of the reasons why her failing classes has been so frustrating to me and many of her more attuned teachers - she is extremely bright and intuitive, yet, she couldn't care less about academics!
The other day she was at my office when the new guy came into my office and after she left she said, "That guy has a history - he gives me the creeps". Later the same day, my sister, who has always seen ghosts and has an extremely sharp 6th sense about people, came into my office and said, "What's up with that new guy? I KNOW him, I don't know what it is, but I sense deceit and underhandedness oozing from him." Now, this may not have significance to anyone, in fact, it may sound downright crazy, but I believe that my dd has been around a while. She has always had a way about her that can be very disarming. I have two dds, and I have to say that there are things dd16 knows about me that dd18 doesn't and that stems from dd's incredible ability to see through people when they have their guard up, as mothers often do with thier children until they become adults. There is something in my dd's eyes that has always been there that you just KNOW she is an old soul and it's been there since she was a baby. I remember getting so frustrated with her as an infant because she just cried non-stop. Then one day, without really thinking about it, I was just talking to myself, out loud, partly because I was frustrated and also because I felt so isolated; torn between this crying baby and my pleasant 2 year old. Well, the baby (dd16) just stopped cold and listened. When I went to her in her swing, she was just staring at me and that was the first time I saw that look in her eyes - she thinks about stuff and she knows about stuff.
Raising her has been such a challenge because most people don't 'get her' or they think she's a wiseass or lazy or troubled. I always think to myself, "she's an adult stuck in a little girl's body". Well, she's growing into the person she was meant to be I think. She trusts her gut more now and she makes decisions for herself, some I agree with and others I don't, but she's doing it and that's a good thing.
Okay, so now that everyone who reads this thinks I'm absolutely nuts, I'm signing off. LOL
Have you ever been evaluated and/or tested for any kind of 'issues'?
Lack of the ability to plan and a poor sense of time are characteristic of ADHD or ADD(you dont have to have the hyperactivity component) You might wish to research those or even go to some boards for young adults with the disorder. You may very well go "wow-thats me!"
I would also read up on Aspergers which fits your verbal eloquence, your lack of hygiene, and your lack of social interest
The hyperfocus actually fits either of them
If you are found to have one of these conditions, it doesnt mean you are going to get stuck in an institution. Just knowing you are not alone and finding some strategies to cope with daily living would be of tremendous help
That said, just because something is difficult for you doesnt mean you get a pass. It may be difficult and you may need to find help but you are going to have to plan and make some sort of decision. I would aim for 6 months at a time-forget the rest of your life for now
Will your parents allow you to live at home if you work? Do you have transportation? Have you worked at any type of job before?
Working at manual labor(as in drying cars at a car wash)may help you focus. We assume bright kids are supposed to do white collar jobs and they are selling themselves short if they dont. That's a dangerous assumption IMHO
Are you wanting manual labor so you can go through the motions and continue to think about everything thats in your head? As opposed to getting a job that might require mental effort and then you couldnt continue with what is inside your head?
I think you need to tell your parents you want to take it in little chunks and that you want to formulate a plan for the next 6 months and then you are willing to meet again and discuss 'after'. Clarify what the parents are and are not willing to do in terms of living arrangements, finances, laundry, food, transportation. If you want something, negotiate-dont demand. Give them something they want in order to get what you want.
Parents want to see progress, not stagnation
I found about three different interpretations of your name-related to knowledge? video games? religion? Which is it?
Thanks for your reply. Some of the things you say are just eerily similiar. And I'm sure people will think I'm crazy too, before this post is through!
My son was only days old when I got the first comments about his "old face" and a "mature face".
My son also has an uncanny sense about people. And picks up on social stuff, a few years ago explaining to me how his best friend just lacked normal social skills, that a kid with parents around, would normally have. I was just stunned. And there are zillions of other examples.
Unless anyone here follows the troubled teen board, most wouldn't know that my son is not living with me at the time. It began over an incident at school and I let him move to town for the week, home on weekends. I see him almost everyday. The mother of the family he stays with is the one who's tried to explain to me about him being an "old soul."
She has 4 of her own teenage to 22 year old boys living at home with her.... and she tells me she's never met a child like DS. That he's the most independent 16 y.o. (17 in days) she's ever known. And between her and her DH, they have a blended family of 10 kids, most being adults and living away from home.
But he's not totally gone from me.... yesterday in the doctor's office, this 6'3" child just laid his head down on my shoulder and stayed that way for a long while.
He's working part-time, while still going to high school full-time. Rides his bike all over town, buys his own stuff. Things he could never do around here. It's probably a 2-hour bike ride just to get to town from here......
I am also surprised by your statement of a "child stuck in an adult's body." That is exactly what this mother has also told me about DS.
She's told me over and over how I should be proud to have a child like DS... and she's also watched me break down and cry, in person and over the phone. And I didn't even really know her when he moved there temporarily, but now it appears he will be staying. I didn't feel I had much of a choice when I let him go, especially since he moved by himself, and at 17 in Texas they can't be forced back home.
Anyway, I really appreciate your response and I don't think either of us are crazy. There's more I want to say, but I keep writing, deleting, editing, writing... haha! Getting stumped really. But you've given me so much to think about.
zz
And as an aside.... since you believe in past lives... my son was 3 when we were in an upscale restaurant down in Houston, a little vacation. A woman came over and began telling us crazy things about God, my son, about Moses and my son, about first born sons, and that my son was one, how she could see things... of course she was just crazy... but I still think of it sometimes.
Life is funny, zz - there are choices my mother made for when I was teen that at the time I felt were way out there, but now as an adult and parent, I can see why she made those choices. In fact, had she not made certain choices in regards to MY life, I don't think I would have made it to full adulthood. I was on a bad path and without much fanfare she took me out of school and sent me several states away to 'cool my heels' at another family members house. I was there 4 months, came home, regrouped, enrolled in school, doubled up all my courses and graduated with my class.
I think one day your son will thank you for allowing him this time to be with and around people who support him, 'get' him, and let me be. I don't always agree with parents who send their kids away but in many cases the move is warranted and beneficial.
Applause to you for knowing.
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