Just a little vent....(long!!!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Just a little vent....(long!!!!)
6
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 9:53am

I am very much caught in the middle of a situation with our exchange student's cousin, J, who is staying with another family. She spent the night with us Monday - the student she is staying with (M) is in a play and has practice every night this week. She approached me that evening and said whe was very uncomfortable attending their church services and asked to attend Mass with us over the weekend. You have to understand I can be a complete Pollyanna about some things ... I thought "no problem" and agreed to talk with her host mom as she was uncomfortable doing so. I called her yesterday and - to say the least - she did not take it well. She was VERY offended and in the course of the conversation she made several cracks about the Catholic church that i am doing my best to forget. I told her we would gladly have J attend Mass with us, but that we were not pushing - only relaying the information to her that J had not been comfortable because I thought she would want to know.

She called me later that evening in tears and said J wanted to be transferred to a different home. I'm guessing it's more than the church issue - I think J is terribly homesick and this is how it is all coming out. She just wanted someone to listen and I did, bititng my tongue a few times (like when she said "Why couldn't we have picked one of the PROTESTANT girls?:" Geez. Why is Catholic bashing socially acceptable?????

I feel badly for her, I feel badly for her daughter (who doesn't know anything about any of this ... yet) and I feel badly for J. She does have some legitimate reasons for resisting allowing J to come with us ... there is nearly an hours drive between our cities, the play is over this weekend and she wants M and J to bond a little (I also offered to allow M to spend the night, but then she would miss her church services and I got the DISTNCT impression that she was not excited about her attending with us) and she is very involved with her hurch with music and Sunday school and Holy week starts next week. But still. I think if she'd just said "You can spend the week with us and go to Mass with them" it may have been inconvenient for them, but I think J wouldn't have gotten riled to the point of asking to be moved.

She called a sister at the school to have her talk with J. Sister R then called me and asked if J could attend Easter servies with us and would we then be willing to get her back to their house for Easter dinner. It isn't a big deal to us - dh's mom was going to come for dinner and we are attending Mass, but we are flexible. The thing is - Sister R did not know that J had asked for a transfer.

The way we left the conversation was I told her to work it out with the other family and call me and tell me what to do and I'd do it. If I'm sounding martyrish here - I REALLY don't mean it. I truly don't mind doing whatever needs to be done, I'm just confuzzled over how this got to be such a big deal and I almost feel like the bad guy for having agreed to talk to the other mom. She even said last night on the phone "M found out your house is more fun and now she doesn't want any part of us."

Let no good deed go unpunished.......

jt (I am now accepting hugs and words of wisdom)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:27am

Don't have any advice but am sending lots of cyber-hugs!

Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 10:54am

Aw jt, many many hugs and I really hope that poor girl finds the right host family to be with.

My friend who hosted a boy from Brazil forced him to go to church with them every week - it was a Baptist Gospel church and at home, his family never attended church except on holidays (he was baptized Roman Catholic). I think he was horrified - my friend found him very upset and crying after she basically told him "We are your host family and as a family we got to church, so you will also - end of story. Now go get dressed for services."

It sounds to me that perhaps it's just not a good fit all around. It's less a matter of your house being a more fun house and more likely that she simply feels more comfortable there. I hope she is able to find another where she feels more at home, is able to attend Catholic Mass and be placed with them. It's what's right all around. The current host family should be relieved of thier duty to this girl as well; why should they feel unliked by her or resentful that she wants another family; why should they feel the need to walk on eggshells around the girl, knowing she isn't happy there?

I think it's wonderful that you're willing and able to have her attend mass with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 12:38pm

As neither a Catholic nor a Protestant, I find this really upsetting. I can't imagine saying to a visitor "this is our church and you must attend." This is extremely rude and disrespectful of the child, his or her family and traditions, and of other people's beliefs. I can see encouraging someone to attend church with you, to experience something different (I attended my share of Catholic and Protestant services as a teen, with friends' families), but this reaction seems extreme.

I do not think Catholic-bashing is OK on any level. Even more important, I have NO TOLERANCE for people of any religion who show such intolerance and insensitivity for others.

Hey, I'm not even J and I can tell your house is more fun than the others!!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 1:04pm
Wow. This woman actually sounds a little unstable to me, and I can't say as I blame J. for not wanting to stay there. I would NEVER try to force a child to go to my worship services with me if they were uncomfortable about it - and I would certainly NEVER bash someone else's religion! The fact that she is so adamant about her own daughter not being exposed to any other way of thinking (and we're talking about two Christian churches, for crying out loud - nothing that she should think is too outlandish!) speaks volumes. It sounds like she really likes to be in "control". I guess J. could bend a little - I've encouraged my daughter to go to any and all different types of worship services when she has the opportunity - but she's the child, and I think the host family should be more interested in making her feel comfortable. Sorry you got caught in the cross fire!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-1998
Wed, 04-05-2006 - 4:21pm

When I was an exchange student, my Lutheran host family even found a neighboring Catholic family to take me to Mass every week. When you're in an unfamiliar place, it's very comforting to have the familiar of your worship practices, and even in another language, the Catholic Mass is going to be familiar.

Plus, I can see the exchange student being upset because it's not just a matter of preference for her of which service to attend, it's a matter of obligation! As a Catholic, she needs to attend Mass on Sunday, not just any religious service. If her host family can't be tolerant of that, then the placement is a bad fit.

Elizabeth

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 9:21am

As usual, you were all wonderful! Thank you for allowing me to vent and for all your wise words of encouragement. Things have gotten much better. Sister R arranged for J to come home with us from school tomorrow and go bowling with the girls (I have all but one of the exchange students Friday night because of prior commitements with the other families) while M is in the play. We will take her to the play on Sat and she will attend Mass with us on Sunday and I will either take her to school on Monday or M's family will pick her up. She has agreeed to attend their services on Holy Thursday and Good Friday and will decide about Easter. I'm pretty sure she'll end up with us. J is feeling much better beccause Sister R assured her that it was ok for her to attend the Methodist service and not take communion. I guess that was the issue with her.

M's mom has calmed down. One poster suggested she sounded a little unstable and I tend to agree. I don't think she had a CLUE as to how offensive she was being regarding the tradtions of the Catholic church and, because of that, I'm just letting her remarks roll off my back. It's a lot easier with the passage of time.

I'm hoping this is the end of it.

jt