alcohol & avoiding jail warden syndrome
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| Sat, 04-08-2006 - 12:55am |
I've posted here several times, now, about my step-d. Thanks for all the advice. I now have two more questions:
1. Do any teens do _anything_ at all anymore that doesn't involve drinking? My step-d just got off restriction (she sneaked out while she was already grounded) and theoretically went to the movies. Well, I just learned from her my space postings that she and her friends weren't at the movies; they left the mall, went to a party, then had us pick them up at the mall etc. AND, she and her track buddies have been drinking at the track meets! They sneak booze in in Gatorade bottles. It's easy for them to drink b/c they all camp out under the bleachers to get out of the sun, and if they are in only 1 or 2 events, they usually have nothing to do for hours except mess around and drink. My husband doesn't want me to call the school b/c she will be kicked off the athletic teams, and he wants her to keep busy. (She is getting a job in the summer). I guess I just have to accept the fact that kids drink now and there is very little I can do to stop it???
2. That said, how do you not turn into a warden (or Big Brother spy or totalitarian) after your child has broken your trust quite frequently. Once I started monitoring step-d's my space postings , I learned that she had been sneaking out regularly and was bragging about all the times she did not get caught. Several of you mentioned to let her go and she would trip up (and have to pay the price) eventually. I know the adult thing to do is just make myself not to "spy" and wait until she messes up big time--and if she doesn't trip up just say "Well, OK, she lucked out." I don't want to be spying on her constantly, but it is hard for me not to monitor a kid who sometimes sneaked out 2x a week during the school week ... and the smug bragging about her misbehavior is just nauseating.
I really hate this . . . . .

1. "I guess I just have to accept the fact that kids drink now and there is very little I can do to stop it???"
Sorry, I disagree very much. Maybe your DH should start attending those track meets and hang out with her during her down time there. I know with work, it may be difficult, but as a parent, he really shouldn't ignore what he's learned regarding this. I also think personally, I would call the school. You could do it one of two ways. Either don't inform them who you are or tell them just that you've been made aware that this is happening. You don't need to give names of the teens, but I think it's wrong not to notify them. This isn't the kind of "busy" I'd want my own teens to do. And finally, I'd have your DH bring water/gatorade to her at the meet!
2. A kid who sneaks out 2X during the week DOES need a responsible adult to monitor her. I personally see no problem with your or your DH doing just that.
I can't understnd why as parents of teenagers, so many people almost feel the need to step back some, becoming friend like. Geesh, they're teens who will at one time or another most likely mess up and when that happens, the trust IS broken and stricter supervisions is often required. Your SD has broken the trust, lied and drinks. That sure isn't accepted in my home.
Have to agree with the others as well. While I understand the concept of keeping them in activities to keep them out of trouble, doesn't sound like it's working too well here. I would certainly contact the school and make them aware of the problem. Kids drinking every now and then would not be acceptable - if they are caught the hammer comes down. Kids learn from making mistakes and some time screwing up big. By letting it slide by, it will only continue and become a bigger problem. This actually sounds like she has a pretty good system going on to where it's not only every now and then. If being on track is important to dad, make dad go sit through the meets and keep her at his side in her free time.
Sounds like she has been caught before sneaking out? What were the consequences for previous acts? I didn't catch how old you SD was but it actually sounds like she needs a warden until she gets her act together.
Good luck!
ETA: I read some of your earlier posts and see that SD is almost 18 and alcohol has pretty much been very much a part of her life lately. I agree with one of the posters to one of your previous posts that it's time for dad to step up. You said that you used to enjoy her company - can you pinpoint when it changed? Can her sudden interest in drinking be a call for attention from dad? If he's condoning it (and from your other posts it sounds as if he is) you are fighting a losing battle. You 2 need to go at this with a united front and get to the bottom of it. Is mom in her life at all? I certainly wish you the best, you sound like an awesome mom!
Edited 4/8/2006 4:18 pm ET by kel7col4
"I guess I just have to accept the fact that kids drink now and there is very little I can do to stop it???"
I would have to disagree. You are the parent and it is your job to find something to stop it. While I agree that keeping kids busy is a good way to keep them out of trouble..it doesn't seem to be working in your daughters case. It appears that she needs something to keep her busier.
"I know the adult thing to do is just make myself not to "spy" and wait until she messes up big time"
I think the adult thing to do is to be the parent and not her friend. It seems that too many times these days that parents are afraid of their teens and their teens reactions to being punished. I think expectations need to made clear and the consequences also need to be made clear.
Kim