Down in the Dumps
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| Mon, 04-10-2006 - 5:51pm |
So do any of you get in a "funk" from time to time? I'm in one and can't seem to get out of it. I keep thinking about the "what ifs". If I had put my 17 year old drop out son in another school in grade 10 instead of leaving him where he was at, would it have changed things? Should we have done more things as a family - would that have made things better? Should I have forced counselling on him even when he refused time and time again to go?
I look at my 13 year old daughter who is a great kid, good student, full of laughter and so kind and I think she deserves a better family than what she has. One that does more things together as a family, one where her dad actually gives a crap and enjoys spending time with everyone and not working 14 hours a day, one where her brother is civil to her and not jealous or mean.
I keep feeling like I'm a failure to my kids, like I shouldve done more or should be doing more. I'm slowly losing interest in day to day things. I see neighbors and friends out with their kids, everyone happy and then I look at us - no one even interested in sitting for dinner together anymore.
I'm just tired - plain tired - of looking after everyone elses aches, pains and problems. For once I'd like someone to put their arm around me and say "you're doing a good job, everything will be okay" or "I'll take care of it for you". It's like I'm doing, doing, doing for everyone but I get nothing in return.
I try to wake up every morning and count my blessings, that I have a roof over my head, food in the house, a job, everyone is healthy but sometimes its just plain hard. Sorry to whine - sigh! I guess I just needed a place to vent and this board has always been there.

Yes yes yes. I have felt this way too. Most of the time I just feel like I wish I could have a nervous breakdown already so that someone else could handle everything! haha. Of course, no one could do things the way I do them, maybe better, maybe worse, but not the same. We are all unique and valuable. If you weren't the way you are, and your family wasn't the way they are, your daughter might not be who she is! You probably can't do much to change her dad or brother, so try and get a little girl time in there if you can, eat dinner together, walk to the ice cream shop, get manicures.
I am working on letting go of my hopes and dreams for my daughter's father. He hasn't stepped up the way I would like in 14 years, and it doesn't seem like it's going to change. She is now old enough to see how he is, be hurt by it, and reject him before he disappoints her. And I can't keep forcing them together thinking he will finally figure it out and take my advice. So, fine, she has a crappy dad and I can't do anything about it. I told her God gave me to her to make up for him! haha. She thinks I'm nuts, but, I am also the first one she calls when things are good/bad/boring.
I am sending you a computer hug, which is saying a lot, since I am not a touchy feeley person!
~Carrie
"I was going to try and be a pessimist but decided it probably wouldn't have worked anyway."
I know when my kids are screwing up it seems like we are the only family struggling, but you know from this board and others that isnt true. And you also know there are plenty of kids out there messing up whose parents have their heads in the sand so are walking around with a bounce in their step because they're clueless(and yes, there are times I have wished to be clueless)
I have all those "if only" thoughts. I find it telling that DH has them too but they are the exact opposite of mine. I disliked the area we lived in until 4 years ago and tend to blame stuff on our time there whereas DH immediately assumes any problem is BECAUSE we moved 4 years ago
I suspect we're both wrong; they simply are what they are.
I have found that doing things with my youngest makes us all feel better. We certainly go through the motions of inviting the 18 yr old but no more coercion or begging; no point making him come along and listening to him complain. Yes, we are reluctant to leave him home, especially overnight, but so far the house hasnt been burned down and the times away are good ones for the youngest
Set something up for you and dd. Invite DH and DS but, if they say no and can't make it, IMMEDIAtely drop the issue and just have the two of you go-dinner and a movie or a trip to an attraction overnight
It will make you feel better and who knows? Maybe the boys will appreciate you a bit more when you return(you can always hope)
It has occured to me that part of my boys' lack of ambition is due to making a concious choice not to work as hard as their dad-he was gone overnight a lot when they were little and still is. He is unhappy with his job and always feels underappreciated-a fair amount of complaining and lots of lectures about how grateful the boys should be
DH should have grew up middle class but for reasons Ive never understood, they lived VERY frugally. A basketball hoop for the garage was too expensive and his grandmother had him bathe in an inch of cool water !!!!!!!
It was very important for him to provide all the material means for his kids and go to their sporting events(something his dad never did)but whats important for him doesnt mean whats important for the kids.
Or maybe it flip flops every generation-I dunno but my oldest-21-has expressed to me in private that he doesnt want that kind of life for himself. Of course GF has other ideas because SHE grew up in a single family household where money was truly tight and she is ambitious as they come. Its rubbing off a little on DS but not much
NOt trying to blame my DH or yours but just mulling it over....
Dr Phil always says the greatest influence in a childs life is the same sex parent
Hey tam ... {{hugs to you}} I'm right there with you. I've been in a funk on and off since the holidays, mostly on, and I can't seem to shake it either. I feel like I'm living the wrong life and with the wrong people in it. (DD and DS excepted, of course.)
Part of the reason for me is that I am soooo very lonely! DH works pretty long hours, but he has a hobby that he is absolutely obsessive about and quite frankly, he makes little time for much else which leaves me feeling like I am alone in this world and a single parent. DH does pretty much what he wants when he wants without much consideration for the rest of us. I have been trying to be two parents for so long now it isn't even funny.
We've lived in the same house in the same community for 7 years now and I don't have any real friends. It is so awful. My children don't have any real friends around either (well, DS has one buddy from school he spends a fair amount of time with; usually when his mother needs someplace for him to be when she's doing something he doesn't want to be doing) and I feel like they don't have friends because of me or because I've something I've done. Whenever anyone has asked for help with anything at all, I've always done what I can. I feel like I did all the 'right stuff' you're supposed to do when you move to a new place, (volunteered, joined and got involved in church, had people over, etc.) but I must have done it all wrong somehow. I came to realize the only time anyone called me was when they needed something from me. Now, I am starting to wonder why we even have a telephone because it hardly ever rings at all! I don't know what I/we have done that has caused this, we've lived all over the world and I've never had this problem before. I used to think I was a friendly and likeable person, but I don't think that anymore. I've come to the conclusion that I must have a really offensive personality or something and now, I'm afraid of extending myself to anybody. Lately, I've been terribly morbid and thinking that if I died tomorrow in a car crash, no one would even notice I was dead and there would be no one at my funeral.
But ... enough of me whining about my woes ...
You are NOT a failure! You are doing a fabulous job as a mother and everything WILL turn out all right. Hindsight is nearly always perfect so don't question yourself about things that are over and done with. You did what you felt was the right thing under the circumstances with your DS. And it sounds like you are really trying to help get him onto the right track now. Give yourself a pat on the back for that!
I know what you mean about being tired. I'm tired for no good reason. I read here what other parents (like you) are going through with their teens and I am so, so fortunate. If all I have to complain about is someone lying about using their WaterPik, how can that make me tired? Sometimes I think 'why bother?' too. But I know if I don't bother, who will? It may not seem like they notice or care now, but kids DO notice, they DO care and they will remember how much effort you put into loving them and making a home for them.
From what I've read about depression, tam, you exhibit a lot of the classic signs and I'd like to suggest that you see a doctor soon to discuss the possibility. After a lengthy illness and surgery a few years ago, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress syndrom and prescribed Wellbutrin. It helped me get back on track and I only had to take it for about 6 months.
More {{hugs}} and {{chocolate, too}} and hang in there -- and go do something really nice, just for YOU. You deserve it. I hope venting helped!
Julie
Edited 4/10/2006 8:33 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
Hi tamarahar, count me too. When things are difficult and you're stressed to the max, it's hard to find a bright spot in your day. It seems like every effort is a waste of your time. Lately, I've been having a lot of highs and lows. It really depends on the day, which from what I hear is not healthy.
In the past, what's helped me move through those periods is routine. I try to oroganize a routine like dinner at a specific time every night = I've made it mandatory for everyone and at times, just for me. I then will schedule a walk outside after dinner. On the weekends when I'm home, I make a routine in the morning for myself, such as coffee and the paper for an hour, then some specific household chores, and then something enjoyable like a little yard cleanup or gardening or a game of fetch with the dogs. Then I might tackle another stupid chore, then again schedule something I enjoy like a visit to the library or a park with H.
When I really feel disillusioned, I may seek out a counselor. If you have a strong faith, perhaps you could speak with your clergy. Or, invite a trusted friend to go for a drive and just get out and talk and enjoy your time away from it all. I have a friend that I meet weekly for coffee before work. All we do is gripe and share stories about our lives, but it sure helps me to feel less alone and isolated in my troubles.
And if efforts like these still don't help, then I go see my DR. I have, in the past, taken an antidepressent to help me through difficult times when I can't seem to pick myself up, like last year with the predator and my 16dd. I was so busy holding it all together for everyone else, that I let my own sanity go out the window - the AD's really saved my sanity.
I hope things get better. The fact is we can only do our best with what we know and what we think is right at the time. I've often second guessed my decisions with my dd's over the years. Sometimes I was right on, other times I wasn't - but you know what? At a certain point, it's up to them and less up to us, KWIM? Hugs - hang in there.
Thanks so much for your comforting words. Nice to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. After I wrote the post I realized that I have to schedule some "me" time. For the past while its been my full-time job during the day, then I would go home, make dinner, do dishes, work on my part-time job from home, do the normal household stuff and just fall into bed. Weekends spent errands, housework etc.
I used to go to the gym regularly but quit going about a year ago - seemed like there was never any time and of course gained back weight. It always made me feel so much better mentally and physically. So yesterday I made the decision that I was going back to the gym 3 times a week and if I'm not home in time to make dinner, oh well, make it yourselves or wait until I get home. This "do everything for everybody" has to come to an end. Time to look after me for a change.
I know there will still be rough patches ahead with my kids and life in general but I think getting some exercise is my first step. Thanks again everyone! Sorry to cry on your shoulders.
I think we all do this. Four years ago we also moved from a not very good area, and I have at times blamed my dd14's issues on that move. I beat myself up about it, but like you I deeply believe this is the way things would have turned out anyway, who knows, maybe even worse? We moved when dd14 was in 4th grade, but I drove them to the old school to finish out the year. She and youngest ds started up in a brand new school, dd in 5th grade - my oldest ds was starting at a brand new middle school, not knowing a single soul! I was really worried about ds - and he's the one who did fine, at least socially. Statistics would tell you that ds was at the highest risk for risky behaviors and he escaped all that, thank God. Instead dd14 seems to have had the hardest time. I had been told in the past that you should never move a kid during these formative grade school years. Oh, well. Many people do it because they have to, and so did we.
Even now I struggle with whether I'm a good enough parent, because like you and OP, I'm just so TIRED some days. I hate arguing, I hate confrontation...I feel like I'm not "getting through to her". It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle to society...my kids are being gobbled up by the media. Does this mean I should have thrown the t.v. out long ago? Or would it just mean they would have watched it at their friend's house? Too many teens are home alone after school. Mine are not - at somewhat of a sacrifice financially, btw - but guess where the kids want to gather after school? Yep - at the home of kids whose parents are NOT home? And what percentage of the population does this represent? In my area, seems like 98% sometimes! Some of these parents consider themselves strict, not allowing less than a B to enter their homes - and yet allowing kids to run all over town after school, unsupervised. I have to be the "bad guy" and say no. Yeah, I get depressed too.
I'll make it short and sweet. You're going through what we ALL go through at your age- call it mid-life-whatever. But we all go thru it.
Don't think for a minute that those happy families you see out there aren't going thru some kind of hell at home as well.
You can look to religion, that helps some people thru these years.
you're healthy. you're daughter is happy, and things can only get better for when they're older and move on and are less dependent on you.
In short - YOU'RE NORMAL !