step daughters questions
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step daughters questions
| Mon, 04-17-2006 - 1:54pm |
Hi,
I have been asked a few questions by my step daughter that I am not sure how to answer. We have a pretty close relationship, and I don't want to jeopardize it. Evidently her biological mom degrades her and calls her names, and blames her for everything that she is mad at her ex- husband about. The stepdaughter wants to know how a mother could be like that to her own kid, and I don't know where to turn to find a suitable answer. Any help or advice would be appreciated. My stepdaughter just turned 16.
Gee
I have been asked a few questions by my step daughter that I am not sure how to answer. We have a pretty close relationship, and I don't want to jeopardize it. Evidently her biological mom degrades her and calls her names, and blames her for everything that she is mad at her ex- husband about. The stepdaughter wants to know how a mother could be like that to her own kid, and I don't know where to turn to find a suitable answer. Any help or advice would be appreciated. My stepdaughter just turned 16.
Gee

How can a mother be like that to her own kid? She can be like that because she is filled with resentment, anger, bitterness and self loathing. She can be like that because she's not a good mother and most likely doesn't understand the value of being a mother or the meaning of unconditional love. She doesn't take the *gift* of motherhood seriously or consider the fact that it is her responsibility to guide, encourage and love and support her daughter so that she can develop into a secure, mature, self reliant and loving, compassionate adult.
I think that if there is anything you and her father can do to counter attack the horrid effects that her bio-mom may be causing to this young girl's self concept/esteem - that would be awesome. The girl needs to know she has value; that she has special ablities and qualities that will enable her to grow into a lovely, smart and successful young woman. She needs to know that is not terrible and that she is worthy of love, friends and family.
What a shame - Any chance this young girl could live with you and spend less time with bio-mom?
Great response H & R!!!
I faced the same questions with S when he first came to us, how could his aunt treat him so badly yet say she loved him.
Gee
First of all, don't put her mom down. Even kids that physcially abused by their parents still love them. She is a part of that parent as well and when someone criticizes her parent, she may unknowingly see that as a criticism of herself. I would simply say that you are sorry she's having such a tough time, that you don't see your SD in that light at all, point out all the good that's in her (using specific examples), and then remind her that parents aren't perfect either and they make mistakes. Explain to SD that the mom was terribly hurt in the divorce (no matter who is at fault - it still hurts) and she is having a hard time dealing with it.
Next I would either talk to the mom or have a trusted friend or family member talk to the mom and try to get her to realize that she is taking out her anger at the dad on the DD. Suggest that mom get counseling. You may even suggest to the DD that DD ask mom to go into counseling with her. The mom may be willing to go in an effort to support her DD. A good counselor will pick up on the problem and will try to work to teach mom how to deal with her own anger.
Good Luck and this young lady is very fortunate to have you in her life. Keep doing what your doing - loving her and supporting her. That's the best thing you can do for her.
"First of all, don't put her mom down." Excellent point - one I meant to make earlier, if I wasn't hurting from all the pain that poor girl is going through. Great point, tobylady.
While it's obviously normal for her to feel hurt and even resentment towards her bio mom, her counselor should really be helping her to create a certain level of acceptance in regards to her relationship with her mom.
At some point, my dd's have had to accept the limitations of thier relationship with thier dad. My oldest, dd18 has done this. While it still pains her at times that thier relationship is limited, accepting it as it is has also given her peace. The peace to put up her own boundaries with him and the ability to say 'no' once in a while, to strive for the person that she wants to be and the life she wants to have, despite his efforts to thwart that or make her feel stupid about some of it. My younger, dd16, she is still struggling, but I can see that she is starting to see things in a different light. I can recall this one time we were meeting him for the holidays so they could go to his house for the weekend. My younger dd got all dressed up in a skirt and nice top to impress her dad and his first comment was, (drumroll)..."What's with all the fancy skirt and everything?" in a really really snide voice. Not, "Wow, honey, you look so pretty - is that all for me?" or something nice like that. My dd, about 11 at the time, was totally crushed. That incident and many others have led up to her realization that he is NEVER going to be the dad she thinks he's "supposed" to be.
Your stepdd needs to get to that point, as disheartening as it may sound. Once she is able to recognize and acknowledge the limits on thier relationship, she will be able to enjoy her life more, become more involved in things and with people who make her happy. Right now she is so busy focusing on the many ways in which her mom doesn't measure up against other 'normal' moms that she is lost in her own agony, which could lead to her own self loathing. If you can, bring this up with her counselor.