How do I handle this one???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
How do I handle this one???
4
Tue, 11-14-2006 - 11:26pm
I need some advice on how to handle this situation. I am so upset, and confused, and my feelinga are hurt. Bare with me, this will take a while to explain. First let me say that my 15 yr old daughter is a good student, she has a good reputation, and she is a wonderful outgoing kid. She has many friends and up until now has had a wonderful selfesteem. My daugther began "talking" (as teens call the pre-dating stage) to this boy a couple of months ago. They go to the same school, and the boy's stepmother is a teacher at the school also. I know the stepmom and although she and I were never friends, we had a dissagreement once, but we were civil to each other, and she seemed to like my daughter. (she is also the assistant coach of my daugter's softball team). I was pleased about Tarah's choice in a fellow, the boy seemed nice, and I knew he had good parents, and so on. Well, a couple of weeks after they'd been "talking", my daugther comes home and tells me that the boys parents told him that he was not allowed to date my daughter. They supposedly said that she was too young (she's 15, and the boy is 17), and it would be akward because of the stepmom coaching my daugther, and so on). I was puzzled by this because the boy had dated another one of the softball players just last year. I told Tarah that we would respect their wishes and she could just be friends with the boy, but in my heart I knew something wasn't right. Later on, Tarah kept hearing other things like his dad had said my daugther was easy and things like that, the boy denied his dad said that, but I think he did. Things got progressively worse, the kids were not even allowed to talk in the hall at school the boys parent's said. A mutual friend of mine and the stepmom talked to her about the whole thing and she assured my friend that it wasn't personal against Tarah, she knew that she was a good kid, and it was the boys' dad being too strict about dating girls, and he was just worried that Tarah was a minor and they really didn't want him to date anyone. Well that was all well and fine, the kids were upset, they really liked each other, but it was more trouble than it was worth, I also told them they weren't going to sneak around against the parents wishes, and they stopped talking and all. Well, two weeks later the boy is dating one of Tarahs teammates, and she is only a few months older than Tarah, and they condone the dating, she has been to their home and everything. Of course Tarah was hurt at the other girl, and they've had words, and the other girl rubs it in her face that she can date the boy and so on. At practice the other day my daughter had a severe asthma attack and the step mom was the coach in charge, and not only did she not call me, she didn't check on my daughter, and when I got there (tarah called me herself) she was all alone and scared to death. The stepmom ignored me, and didn't even acquire as to her health or anything. When I reported this to the school her reasoning was that she just thought Tarah was tired. To make matter's worse, some of the other team members have been nagging Tarah that because of her and the other girl that the boys is now dating's hard feelings the whole team will have to run extra and get lectured about getting along. My daughter loves softball and she is debating quiting the team because she doesn't to cause any trouble. She hasn't done anything to cause trouble, and now her self esteem is hurt and she is depressed because of the treatment from the boys parents. What do I do? Do I confront the coach/stepmom?
I am hurt also. Please help!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 10:32am

I'm surprised you haven't already spoken with this woman. Not for the all the personal teen age drama crap, but due to the asthmatic episode while in that woman's charge. Like his parents said, she's a minor, so that woman was responsible for her during that time period. It's rude that she never even spoke to you that day, especially after you showed up. I would have more of an issue than with the rest of this story.

The fact is, this kind of crap happens all the time and you need to focus on your dd - give her alternatives on how to spend her time: gossiping about the relationship that never was or moving onto better things. Your dd should count herself lucky that all thier talking never led to anything further and just stop discussing it with everyone, no more arguing with his new GF, no more trying to interpret the reasoning behind his parent's comments. It is wasteful and not conducive to happiness.

I don't know how vested she is in the softball team and it would be a shame for her to quit all because of this. Anyway she can just suck it up through the season? In the meantime, encourage her to do other things with other people - get out there and be happy, learn to ignore this boy, his new gf, his family, etc. She needs to learn that this is just a small bump in the road and she can get over it, around it, past it and just keep on going. There will be many people in her life who will make assumptions about her, her past, etc., and she needs to be stronger and KNOW who she is - who she is does not hinge on what others think of her.

Best of luck - I realize this is all easier said than done, but you really need to help her get past all the gossip mongers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 12:19pm

This was a piece of parenting dating teens that blindsided me. It had never occured to me that MY BOYS would be seen as unacceptable dates for anyone.

Obviously, that's a mom talking but, past the obvious prejudice, we fit the stereotypical desirable family unit and have 2 kids that teachers and coaches rave about(a third who had issues his senior year but, acc/to his guidance counselor he was 'flying under the radar' so still.....)

But, yep, DS2 wasnt good enough because he was on JV soccer, not Varsity. My oldest doesnt play sports at all-for some parents that is right up there with a drug conviction! We have not been 'local' in either area we have lived in and that's been an issue('we dont know HIM')

It hurt! A lot!

But I had to learn to let it go.

The parents of my college love didnt like me. I tranferred to my BFs school my sophomore year and they thought my parents were awful for 'allowing' that; they didnt like that I didn't serve BF at mealtimes as was expected of the girls in their family

The relationship didnt last and my mom said something decades later that stuck with me. She said she knew I loved him and she knew I was devastated(I was-it was years before I opened myself to a guy again)but what a horrible life that would have been having in laws who felt that way about me.

I could never have seen that at college age, but now? I sure do! And that's what helped me through the above scenarios. It's hurtful and offensive but its saving our kids a future of hurt. It doesnt matter if the families' perceptions are wrong and there's no reason to prove them wrong-instead be grateful she is not involved with a family like that(and, not to encourange a 17 yr old to disobey his parents but it sounds like he didnt even try to stand up for her, did he?)

Re the softball, can you talk to the head coach? I would be concerned that this might affect her playtime. An asst coach can manage to point out every strikeout in practice for dd and every hit ball for whatever girl is competing for her slot. You might need to make the coach aware there is some friction and you hope s/he will make decisions based on his/her own observations

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 1:45pm
Thank you for your advice! It was very helpful. It's good to know other moms understand. Your support gives me the strength to help my daughter, and myself through this difficult time. My daughter spoke with her head coach last week about the situation and he told her to forget about the boy, he was a player, and to ignore the things the other girl said or did, and to concentrate on the big picture. I did speak to him about the incident where DD was sick and the asst. coach's response or lack thereof, and he was very sorry for that, he wasn't there, and he did speak to asst. coach and she said that she didn't know anything was wrong, she thought dd was tired. I have not spoken directly to this woman because she is the type of person who doesn't care about others feelings. I know this because I have seen her do it to others when we worked together. It's hard to believe that some people are like that, but they are out there. She's a very bitter person. I am trying to rise above it, and God knows I don't ever want to be that cynical, but in this case I am harboring ill feelings. I want to let it go, and hope that nothing else arises, but at the same time I feel that I should protect my daughter's interest. Is walking away without confronting this woman making me a irresponsible mom? I am afraid of speaking to the head coach, afraid he will think dd is a trouble maker. Maybe we should just wait it out and see how the season goes. It still a couple of months away til actual gametime. Anymore insight? Thank you so much and you could never know how much it helped to have someone with an unbiased opinion listen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 3:58pm
It hurts when someone hurts our kids but unfortunately it happens. I would caution your DD to ignore the drama among the other kids and it will go away pretty quickly. In the meantime, I would speak to either the head coach or the athletic director about the situation with the assistant coach. My youngest DD loved softball but the new coach did not love DD. DD had a major shoulder injury that required surgery so DD had to miss half the season. As soon as DD was given the okay to play, the team went to an out of town tournament. DD's b/f and another guy went to watch their g/f's play. They got a hotel room in the same hotel with the team. The coach new all this but failed to tell me. The b/f and his buddy got some beer and took it into DD's room. DD didn't drink any (everyone agrees to that) but the coach wanted to kick her off the team. The athletic director had DD in driver's ed that semester and knew that she was a good kid and lover her sport. He overrode the coach and kept DD on the team with a few weeks more of sitting out. He also watched the coach like a hawk to make sure that DD was allowed back on the field at the designated time and given a fair amount of playingtime. This was DD's sophmore year. By her sr year the coach realized what a huge mistake it would have been for DD to be kicked off the team. I would definitely have a talk with the athletic director.