Cutting
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| Wed, 11-15-2006 - 2:36pm |
I already blame myself for all of this, I feel I have been a horrible person.
I went home at lunch and checked my dd myspace, did not find anything bad there. I went into her room and found her diary, and yes, I snooped. There was not much new in there, but what was has really got me upset.
She had told me that her best friend had to start going to counseling because of cutting. She talked to me about it. I kind of wondered if my dd had tried it, but did not push the issue because I thought if she was willing to talk about her friend and tell me that, then I thought she wouldn't be doing it. You all know from my other posts that it has been a rocky week. Well, she just started back writing in this diary this month. There was one entry about her cutting herself. How do I approach this without her knowing I read her diary? She told me last night, she was sick of lying and hiding things from us. I suspect she did this just recently because her friend was doing it, but I am not sure. Should I just ask her if there is anything else she would like to tell me and see what she says? Then ask her maybe if she had done any cutting since her friend did it? I want to check her, I want to know how bad it is. One entry in there said her bf saw it and she thinks he was mad. I am going to try to get her to come completely clean with it all.
Any suggestions? I am so very worried and totally blame myself. It said in the diary how she hates us. This is tearing me up inside. I have been under so much stress this year, that is a whole other story, that I have not noticed so much of the trouble with my dd. I am so worried.

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Can you say something along the lines of..................................................................................................................................................................................
"Honey, I know that this has been an espcially difficult time for all of us; I understand that you're angry and upset with your father and me and I understand that you may be feeling that we hold you back from a lot of things you'd like to do. That has to be stressful for you. I know it's stressful for me.
Part of getting through difficult times means facing it head on. And talking about it. Even if it feels like we've done all the talking we possibly can. If we hold things inside, it eventually will find a way to come out. Whether by screaming, lashing out at others or even by hurting ourselves.
How are you dealing with all your emotions? Do you ever find yourself thinking about hurting yourself? You had mentioned that one of your friends had started cutting and it worries me that you may try it also. Is that something you've ever considered or tried?
I see the signs that you're angry and hurting and I really think its a good idea for all of us to see a counselor. There's a lot going on and we really need to address it. You're still very young and we have a few more years ahead of us and I think we will need some help along the way. If we find the right counselor, I think we can get through this together. I love you honey, and I don't want to see you hurting or, heaven forbid, hurt yourself."
I don't keep a diary because my mom would be like you and snoop. I don't like lying, but I don't want my parents to ever know about me cutting myself. They'd be hurt. If they ever asked then I would deny it. If they ever saw my legs, arms or stomach then there would be no way to cover it up.
My boyfriend knows I hurt myself and it upsets him greatly. I have cut back a lot for him. I am trying to quit, but it is very difficult for me.
I don't hate my parents, but I feel like I do at times. I do hate my life. Anytime something good happens, something else comes along and destroys me.
I have been trying to quit cutting, but it is very difficult. I found a website that has been helping me. I don't think I will ever quit completely though. I end up burning myself or carving on myself anytime bad news comes my way. I would probably kill myself it I couldn't cut. I try to fill out this before cutting myself: http://www.selfharm.net/questions.html
Here is more stuff I have read. http://www.selfharm.net/fself.html and http://www.selfharm.net/injury.html
Sky, your post is disturbing to me on many levels. I am glad that you at least have your boyfriend within which to confide. Over a year ago, I found out that my dd, also 13 at the time, was cutting. She was in a great deal of pain, as it sounds like you are. She did not think I could handle knowing the truth about her cutting, and she kept it from me. I feel very blessed and fortunate that I caught her early enough, before she began to get as apparently self-destructive as you appear to be. I put her in therapy, and she didn't like it at first. Then by the grace of God I was able to find a therapist that she absolutely loved. She's in group therapy once a week with several girls her own age, who have dealt with issues ranging from bulimia to self-mutilation. She finally has a forum in which she can talk with girls who she feels really relate to what she is going through. Our own relationship has improved since she began therapy, and she has learned that she can indeed trust me as I want only the best for her.
That's the thing, I don't think you can quit on your own, sky. You need professional help and I'm guessing the only way to get that is to go to your parents. You may not even have to tell them why, just tell them you really think you need to see someone. I don't know your parents, but I think you need to give your parents a little bit of credit. They will be hurt, but they will survive. Please consider telling your parents and getting the help you so desperately need.
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Please examine the illogic of that statement.
Justified or not, you are ALREADY feeling your parents disappointment in you.
You may be surprised at your parents reaction.
I suppose there may initially be shock, confusion and perhaps a bit of anger before they get around to being supportive. So what?
It's like saying I need a drink so I don't have to confront my alcoholism.
Doesn't work.
Well, when I picked my dd up from b-ball practice, I asked about her day, then talked about her friend that had been cutting and said it had come to my mind that she might have tried it since her friend did. She came clean and admitted it. I felt better, she told me the truth. She said "a long time ago" so I asked when, she said a few weeks ago. We talked about it more and I found out that a teacher had seen her arm and consulted the school counselor and my dd has talked to the counselor. Then I found out that my dh knew! She had talked to him about it when he saw and she begged him not to tell me. This was just a couple of days ago. She said she has not done it again. I told her that I would strip her down everyday and check her if I had to and also that I know a therapist we could go to. I told her that if she ever felt like doing it again, she needed to talk to me or someone, I could get her to therapy and that she needed to find another way to vent. She said she knew, that the counselor and her dad had told her that. I am hoping and praying that it was just the one time and she figured out it wasn't all she thought it would be, or that it wasn't for her. I do not understand people that do that. I guess it is the same as hitting or kicking a wall or something when you get mad, I do not really know. I am glad she was honest. I truly hope we are making mends and starting a new path. I want to thank everyone who responded to my posts whether it was positive or not. I don't want to raise my daughter like I was raised and I don't want her to be scared of me or of talking to me like I was with my mother.
And mom_dragonfly, I will watch my spelling if you don't mind me being here! Some of my messages were hard to type. I can't seem to stop crying, things are better right now. There is ALOT going on in my life right now and with this stuff with my dd, it was like the last straw. I hope and pray the new year will be better for my family.
>>>I hope and pray the new year will be better for my family.>>>
I seem to find myself saying this every year for the past few years - lol. I think each child, each year will always bring a certain challenge to parenting. At some point, we simply have to learn to accept it, deal with it the best we can and continue forward.
I remember when 2005 was coming to a close, my closest friend and our H's celebrated VERY loudly and were VERY happy to see that year go AWAY. 2006 held so much promise, an empty slate and it's been a blessing, really, but it too has held it's own challenges for me as a parent, just like everyone else.
Just pat yourself on your back and be happy that you've made some headway with your dd and now act on what you've discussed and chosen to do about it. Following through with a plan of action helps to move on.
*Incidentally, I don't like the fact that your H kept that information from you. That was serious. It's not like he was simply keeping your holiday gift a secret - have you spoke with him about it? What was his response? My H and I swear each other to secrecy about stuff like that. For instance, my dd17 recently found something out about her personal health and asked me not to tell H. I told H that he cannot mention a thing to dd, however, I really feel that he needed to know this health issue. KWIM?
Yes, as soon as I was thru talking to my dd about it all, I went into my room and called him. He said he saw the marks when he picked her up from school the first day she was grounded. She begged him not to tell me. He told her that if she would not do anymore lying and hiding things from us, then he would not tell me. She was afraid that she would be in much more trouble from me. I really think all this time with this boy thing, she thought it was all my feelings, when all along, I was trying to convince my dh that she would lie and hide things.
I am sorry so many do not feel the way I feel, they also do not know where we live or what the situations are where we live, but I do want better for my children.
In a nutshell this is why my year has been so stressful:
Our 2006 started off with my dh's job coming to an end after 18 yrs. They closed lots of power plants down around here. He worked and finished off one, then went to another and finished it off. He did some work around town and then got a job about 5 hours from here. The pay is not wonderful, but it is pay. The kids and I stayed here because I had a job (for now), the house is paid for and we did not wanting our kids going to school where he is working. This whole year, I have been in a situation of hurry up and wait. I found out that my boss was going to retire and not run for his office again. One guy that was running told me I would have a job with him if he won. The other never would tell me, but I pretty much knew I would not. Sure enough, come election time, that is the guy who won. I didn't really want to work for him anyway, but it would have been nice for him to be up front with me. I waited and waited for him to tell me something AFTER the election in the SPRING! Finally, after trying and trying to catch him, I go to his office and he tells me that he is keeping his secretary for my job. Well, after months of wondering, I finally knew. I asked him why it took him so long to tell me, he just said that he has not had time. WHATEVER! Okay, so then I have a chance to get his secretary's position when she gets my job. I talk to both people running, of course they cannot make any promises because they cannot predict the future, but I just wanted to let them know I would be interested in working for them. So again, I waited until this recent election. I had a good feeling about one, if he won, the other I was unsure of. That is the one who won. I filled out an application and new resume and all and took it to her. I still know nothing other than "no one else has showed interest in the job". That makes me feel good, I get a job because no one else showed interest, although I have a feeling I will not know anything for another month. My dh is hoping for a new job op after the first of the year, hopefully I will have a job. Maybe it is time for a change, but with all the probs with my dd, I would hate to uproot her, but I also know we will have to do what is best for our family.
Sorry that is so long, that was my year, hurry up and wait. I have had so much stress, and now this thing with my dd. I have been praying things will get better.
No one minds you being here. So don't think that, ok? And I believe that pointing out your misspellings was uncalled for. That was the first time I can recall that being done on this board.
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