I need help - this is long

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
I need help - this is long
2
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:03pm

This is kind of long and I apologize. I married a man in 1991 and brought with me a 1 year old daughter. Over the years I had other children and we divorced but after a while continued to live together off and on. My oldest child hates my second child also a girl, my exhusband's only biological child. So needless to say my 2nd daughter is spoiled beyond belief. In 1993 my daughters were fighting a great deal.

In 1993 my eldest daughter came to me and we were talking she began to cry. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong so I began to ask her questions. When I got to the one where if someone was touching her inappropriately she told me yes. I started crying, continued with my questions, my whole body was numb. I really can't explain how horrid it was to hear this and to hear that she was accusing the man she knew as her dad, my ex of this. I could not believe this and immediately called my mom. Within the hour I removed my daughter from the home and tried to figure out what I was suppose to do. There is no manual for parents to follow when this happens. I confronted my ex with this and he said he didn't do anything. I believed him and I didn't want to think that something like this happened to my daughter. I told him I was leaving and taking the kids until I can get to the bottom of this. The next day I went to the sheriffs dept and told them. My daughter asked me not to go. I told her if she was being honest with me then he needs to be punished. CPS was called in and he went under investigation as well as I since they accused me of being a bad parent since I didn't know. A year and a half passed, CPS cleared both us of any wrong doing, my ex passed a lie detector test and the counsler my daughter was going to closed her files. So everything should be good, right?

Well to this day my daughter swears he did things to her. I ask if she wants counsling she said no. I ask what does she want me to do. he said stop talking to him. I can't as he is the kids father and he still has contact with my other kids. She wants me to believe her - I do to a point but then again I think I am trying to sheild my mind to not wanting to beleive my daughter was hurt. Someone is lying to me. He was given a lie detector test, physic tests, put under investigation, everything. Could he be the one who lied - after all that? My daughter had seizures from the age of 6 - 12 for no known reason. Could something be wrong with her mind where she thinks something happened making her beleive that he did something even if he didn't? She has always told me everything from day one. She knows no one is allowed to touch her. I honestly believe that if he was doing it when she was younger (she said it started when she was 9) that she would have told me the first time it happened. That's just how my daughter is. I know everything, we have a very open communication. I just don't understand and I just don't know what to do for her. It sickens me to think she is somehow suffering but she wont let me help her - I don't know how to help her. She also never had a problem visiting him or being around him.

I don't know what to do. How to find out the truth. How to help her. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:42pm

I work in an area where we see child molesting and deal with the molesters too. I have heard from several investigators and such. I do not know if you have tried to go into detail with your daughter, but if you have, or if anyone has and reported back to you, has her story changed alot? If she truly remembers being touched, or things happening, her story will be the same everytime.

There is scientific studies done and these investigators are taught to watch for certain things when people are lying. Like men will have a tendency when they are telling a lie or about to, to cover their privates with their hands, or put them there. Women will have a tendency to cover their breasts with their arms because they are trying to cover their most vulnerable part. There is also something with the eyes but I cannot remember which way is which. If they look up one way (it is toward the creative side of the brain) they are trying to think of something to tell, if they look the other (the memory part of the brain) they are trying to remember what happened. You could probably look the brain thing up on the net or in a book. But if your daughter or husband are really good at lying, these things may not work. There are people who can pass they lie dectector just like there are some that can NEVER pass it.

I do not know if any of this helps. You might go back to the investigators that were on the case and question them. They should have kept notes, see whose story was straight. It does sound like your daughter needs counseling whether she wants to go or not.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 3:46pm

I think you should consult with a sexual assault counselor. I think it would not only offer you some insight to typical symptoms of a sexually abused survivor, but it will also help you to sort out some of your own conflicted feelings. I would stop discussing it with your dd. Tell her that you are seeking medical assitance for her and you and do not want to discuss it further until that point. And then DON'T.

And, I think your dd should be seen by a neuropsychiatrist for a full mental health evaluation. Given the facts in your story, you just never can tell - she could have delusional thinking, she could have some level of bipolar disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, or simple manipulation - anything. However, if it's none of those things, the DR will be able to determine if she's suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, which is very common in sexual abuse survivors.

I'm sorry that you're going through this - it sounds extremely difficult. Many gentles hugs.