Found an EPT in the cupboard

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Found an EPT in the cupboard
7
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:03am

WWYD?

I found the second unused part of a 2-part EPT in my daughter's bathroom cupboard this morning while putting away towels. It wasn't hidden, just in an opened box of tampons. I asked her to explain, she said it wasn't hers, she was helping out a friend. I believe her because there were used pads and tampons in her trash just last week. I asked her if the test was positive or negative. She said negative. She wouldn't tell me which friend, but I do suspect someone.

My question, should I push to know more details? WWYD? Leave it alone? I will discuss (again) how I don't think teens are ready for sex, etc., and talk about the consequences of early sexual relationships. My DD doesn't even have a boyfriend now. Should I level with this girl's mother? I may be mistaken as to identity.

If I put myself in the place of being that other girl's mother, I would want somebody to tell me. Have I answered my own question? Problem is, this girl's mother is an oblivious space cadet and would most likely disbelieve me, since I can't prove it.

What'll it be next?

I'm a tired mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:19am

How can you talk to the other mom if you just suspect? It's hard enough to do this when you out and out know!

My son and his best friend cut school frequently their senior year. They also smoked pot. I didnt know if the best friends-M-parents knew about the pot but I had no doubt about the cutting. The school knew and called both parents-we were literally told "we will be calling Ms parents as soon as we hang up"

Well, out to lunch with Ms mom to talk about college-they were going to be roomies. And I casually referred to the cutting school. M's moms jaw dropped and she said "T is cutting??? You dont think M is too, do you?"

I was floored. My mouth said "I really dont know" but I became freakily aware that my head was bobbing up and down in teh yes position

I decided discussing the pot probably wasnt a good idea ;)

I can only assume M got home, deleted messages, and someone called the school and pretended to be his mom or dad. The school had both our work numbers-they never called us at home

Anyway, I think it would be very difficult!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 10:35am

Oh Boy!

That is a tough one! Maybe you could get your daughter to tell you who it was, and suggest to the girl to tell her own mother??? Or see if your daughter can convince her to talk to her mother?

I have been in the situation with knowing about dd's friends drinking. There is one mom that has been oblivious to it, and it is splattered all over her myspace. Pictures that I would die if MY dd had put them up there. I had also found out about another mom buying alcohol for the kids, and she was letting her dd go there. I told her what I had found out about the mom who was buying, and she said we will have to "watch" but, continued to let her daughter spend the night there. I also had struggled with many other stories about her dd drinking. It is very hard because I WANT to know, and some moms would rather pretend it isn't happening! She has since found pics of her dd drinking, but, she told her that it was only 2 times, and cried and that was that.

At least you can breathe a little sigh of relief that it was not your dd. ;-)

When is this getting easier?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 12:22pm

If this is the girl I think it is, she IS a train wreck just waiting to happen. She's sooo wild and the mom is looking the other way, or doesn't care. So it might be moot anyhow.

I just know if it was my kid, I'd want to be told. But not everybody might agree.

Another reason to drastically limit the exposure my DD has to this girl.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 12:24pm

I guess that boy's scenario is why the kids think they can get away with cutting and fabricating a parent excuse.

My dd ditched school one day, had a male friend call in pretending to be her father saying she's sick. The astute attendance clerk caught it and phoned me.

My daughter needs to stop underestimating my intelligence.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 1:43pm

As a mom, if it were your daughter who was taking a pregnancy test and being helped out by another girl, who would you rather hear it from? That friend's mom or your daughter?

I think you'd say your daughter. So I would strongly recommend to your daughter that she encourage her friend to speak to her mom. It shouldn't come from you as that woman would be mortified to know another parent knew something about her daughter while she didn't.

I say that and yet....I will own up to one thing.

I went through a similar issue as a young woman and worked through it myself never telling my parents. If you would have asked me then it was because I was sure they would be extremely upset and disappointed in me. They would completely disapprove of my being sexually active and they would be scandalised in their community and family if any pregnancy were to result.

So as much as I say now, as a mom, I would like to know, I also know that young women or teens in this situation would be highly unlikely to talk to their parents unless there was a pregnancy and, even then, only if they weren't able to seek out an abortion without parental consent or didn't want to abort. Most teenagers would be very concerned about hurting or disappointing their parents and want to keep this information private. I am over 40 and my parents still have no clue of what I went through.

So here's what I would do...talk to your daughter. Ensure SHE has all the information on how to protect herself from pregnancy and from STD. Discuss with her your feelings and thoughts on the subject and guage her feelings. And then leave it alone. She might even share some of this with her friend and maybe it will help her friend get on track. Alot of times, with teens, it is their friends that have alot of influence and maybe you can help indirectly through your daughter.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 5:05pm

I went through something similar to this several months ago, except I found out through my online monitoring. It therefore was very clear who the EPT test was for, and it was not for my dd but for her friend. After much thought and prayer, I wound up sending an anonymous typed letter to her mother which read, "your dd and a friend were seen purchasing an EPT test - signed It takes a Village to Raise a Child". I don't know what ever became of it, and as it turns out H. is no longer pg, and I don't know any more details (nor want to know). If you don't know who the friend is, you'll need to stay out of it, imo.

And I agree about parenting teens...geez, I'm exhausted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 5:51pm

I definitely wouldn't talk to the mom if I wasn't 100% sure and even then, I might not talk to her. If I was 100% sure and depending on the girl's age, I would talk to the girl and ask her to tell her mom. If she were a younger teen and I knew the mom would handle the situation appropriately, then I might talk to the mom myself. My concern with telling other parents things is twofold - first of all, they usually take the not my kid attitude or secondly, that the parent might either emotionally or physically abuse the child.

I do agree that this is an excellent opportunity to discuss ALL the consequences of premarital sex with your DD. Be sure to spend alot of time discussing how it changes the relationship, the possible impact on her if/when they break-up, etc.