when do kids really mature?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
when do kids really mature?
10
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 3:43pm

This is kind of a rhetorical question and I think the answer is as soon as they leave home! My DD (17) is basically a good kid. We don't have any major problems w/ her. However, she just does these little annoying things that make me realize she hasn't outgrown the juvenile thinking that the world revolves around her.

She just called me (at 3:15) to say she is heading downtown to go shopping. ON Wed. nights, my kids usually go to their father's house for dinner. I said "what about your dad?" she says "He's mad at me." Yeah, I wonder why. Usually this is the night that my DH & I go out to eat. I said "what about your brother?" and she said her DSS would be home watching him since "she never goes anywhere." I said, guess what, she is going to her grandmother's tonight for Thanksgiving. My DH & I were planning on dropping his DD off, then going out to eat alone. Now I don't even have anything to make for dinner. Her response, kind of sarcastic, is "I'm sorry I ruined everyone's night." Well, she has gotten out of asking permission to go places since she got her own car, so it's like everyone's plans have to revolve around whatever she wants to do. I guess she figured her dad wouldn't care if she didn't go over, but he does.

Then tomorrow she wants to go to the h.s. football game, which is at 10:00 a.m. We are having dinner at my mom's so she planned the time to be late enough so my DD should be able to go to the game. My DH is annoyed because I am letting her go to the game (although he didn't say that directly, it was more like, well, we won't have to wait for her to take a shower after that, will we?) but he can't say much about it since she kind of planned it directly w/ my mother. I don't really mind because it's her senior year and it doesn't make that much diff. if we eat an hour later. But I know I will just be tense tomorrow to see if she comes home on time. I am thinking of telling her that if she isn't home by 1:30, we are going to leave w/o her. I don't really want to do that because my mom's house is an hour away and my DD has never driven there by herself plus there will be extra traffic and she really hasn't driven much on the highway. But I don't feel like having my DH getting annoyed w/ me & her either. I can never win!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 5:35pm

Hate to tell you this, but I'm still dealing with that "world revolves around me" attitude coming from the 22 y/os in my life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 2:23pm
LOL I have a 43 yo HUSBAND who thinks the world revolves around him. There are just ppl out there who seem to never get it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:42am
When do kids really mature? Do they ever? Certainly it's an individual thing and when they leave home it begins. I don't think it actually happens until it has to, ie: having kids of their own. Don't you know 30 is the new 20?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:22am

I think it happens in chunks

I am always amazed when I see a 'chunk' happen. And then a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop!

I saw a big change in DS1 right at 20. Ive seen a big change in ds2 4 months into college(he lived on his own over the summer so maybe its really 8 mos post high school)

But IMO high school does nothing to encourage maturity; not blaming HS-just saying, to teens, school is school. They havent moved to a different place in life; theyve just changed grades

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 10:55am
I suppose it does come in little things. That's why I think it's good that teenagers get a job, even if it's not for the money. At least it makes them show up on time and do the work and have to relate to adults who aren't their parents. My DD got employee of the month last month. She works at Pier One and she got a reward of a $15 gift cert. plus a picture frame. She also gets a reward of $3 in Pier One bucks when she meets a certain goal like signing up five people to receive a catalog during a shift. I was pretty surprised when she pulled out a big wad of those bucks. So I guess she's a good worker, does well at school. Now all we have to do is get her to be more responsible at home. I think that will come when she lives in a dorm and has to share her space, plus there will be noone to pick up after her.
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 12:29pm

I think you need to follow through with your plans, regardless if they interrupt her plans, or ruin her evening, or leave her feeling left out. Too bad. Her behavior is typical self centered teen behavior and maybe if she's left in the lurch once or twice she will see how it feels.

Last night as H and I were figuring out what to do for dinner, dd17 went into the cupboard and pulled out some food that was I was saving for dinner one evening this week, cooked it and ate half of it and threw out the rest. I told her I was saving it and she should have checked with me before using it. DD spent a better part of the day in bed snoozing while H and I did chores around the house to ready it for Christmas. At about 5PM, after her snack and nap, dd17 asked me to take her out driving. I told her no and why...and then, I asked H to go grab something out with me - ALONE. We left and had a lovely time. DD seemed annoyed when we returned but got over it when I reminded her that she slept through all the chores and ate on her own - why should I take her out driving as a reward? And why couldn't she have asked about the food first so we could have had a nice family dinner? I *think* she got the point!

Your dd is old enough to fend for herself. I wouldn't be so concerned with changing your plans because of her.

As far as when they mature? When do you think you matured? Maturity is all relative - it's a gradual process and it occurs at different stages of our lives. I am more mature than I was 5 years ago. When I moved into my own apt at 19, after my parents retired 3000 miles away, took out a car loan and was responsible for me and only me, I matured. I had to grow up fast because I had no back up plan. Before I had children I was always polite and nice and never wanted to offend anyone by telling them when they 'might' have stepped on my toes. After 19dd came along, I matured to the point where I could stand up for myself better, make decisions more clearly and be a responsible parent...things I had no clue about prior. Up until 2 years ago I would never disagree with my older sister because I felt like I couldn't. She obviously knew this and took advantage of it. Then one day she picked on someone other than me - my dds - and that's when I found the strength and maturity to put a stop to her bullying and controlling behavior over me. I matured yet again.

So, when will dd mature to your standards? Probably long after she's left your home and created her own. In the meantime, many gentle hugs - at least you know you're not alone!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:21am

I agree with whomever said it happens in chunks; and with the poster who said she's still maturing--I feel that way, too. I keep getting gutsier and gutsier and worry less and less about what others think when I know in my heart, that what I strive for is right.

DS#1, now 23, had a chunk of maturity hit around 20, his soph/jr yrs of college. DH was shocked when after buying DS dinner one night, DS actually thanked him!

But lately he seems to have regressed.... We planned to have Thanksgiving with my sister, and the next thing I heard is that DS23 was planning to take DS17 to a concert, THANKSGIVING NIGHT! After we expressed our dismay, he changed his plans and went to the concert the night before with his roommates, and left DS17 with us. Cuz DS17 and I are in the midwest, and DS23 is on the east coast, as is DH, it was a complicated holiday. We really wanted our sons to have some time together, esp since DS17 was yearning for some brotherly love and understanding after his suspension. We did end up having a nice Thanksgiving with the four of us and their aunt and uncle on the east coast.

For Xmas, extrovert DS23 can take only one day vacation, so he'll come home for only 3 days. Why? He has to save his vacation to visit his friend in LA over 4th of July, and to go to his alma mater's football games, and to visit his other friends in Chicago. At his age DH and I spent a whole lot more time with our families, although I have to admit we were separated from them by fewer miles.

DS23 is still immature at times, but is gradually getting better. He has the most charming, beautiful and intelligent girlfriend, but at times says he just wants to hang with the guys and forget he has her. Definitely not ready to settle down yet. Still thinking of $$$ all the time. Don't know where that came from! Sometimes I think that cuz DH and I are so NOT materialistic, our kids rebel by wanting every new gadget and all the expensive clothing we shun. The waves of new electronics technology have certainly gotten stronger and more frequent, and I think that has affected this whole generation of kids--they stay kids for much longer than we did.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:08am
My 2 DS's (now 25 and 23) are actually tolerable to be around. :-)
We actually have fun together. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
There were moments between 13 and 18 where I was convinced they were the devils spawn and wondered if DW craved raw liver during pregnancy....
The increase in maturity seems to become more noticable after they move out and realize what we actually do for them.
DD has yet to make this stark discovery, but she usually is pretty good at realizing she is not the central star in our solar system. Keyword: "usually"...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:07pm
I think that moving out of the house is key, which is why I'm hopeful we can afford to send DD to college away from home. I just think it's a good experience to have, since they are away from home, but not totally on their own, plus it's certainly less stress on the family. My DD wants to be a nurse, but none of us can see it, even her grandmother, because she just doesn't seem that caring.
Avatar for kel7col4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 4:09pm

I can only speak for myself, but I didn't mature until I had my dd at almost 22. I was the wild child from hell and was up until the day I found out I was pregnant. Dh on the other hand will never mature....I always tell people I have 3 kids, dh being the 3rd. I am an only child so I can't speak for that, but dh's brother's and sisters range in age from 24 - 36. The 24 year old is on the 6 year college plan lol and doesn't appear to be maturing any time soon - major party boy. Dh's 26 year old sister has always been the mothering mature one, his 29 year old sister, is a mature partier and his 36 year old brother has been an old fogie his entire life (from what I hear).