Is it a trade off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Is it a trade off?
10
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 10:06am

My dd(15) in my opinion seems to think the world revolves around her. The rest of world (friends & family) thinks she is the sweetest kid. Her friends usually turn to her when they have a problem because she's so helpful and caring. Meantime, on the homefront my dh, ds & I are "lucky" if we get a grumble out of her. She really is a good student (lots of compliments from the teachers) and every once in while I see the kind, compassionate dd I used to have all the time. I really, really miss her. My dh and I was talking about it and we are on the fence about what to do if anything. We know she is not into drugs, alcohol or sex and maybe this is just a trade off. I just want my sweet girl back and it doesn't look like she's coming back for a while.

Just so you have a feel of what I'm talking about. If we tell her she can't do something she doesn't sneak to do it she just doesn't talk to us for the rest of the day. If I want help with something she asks me what's in it for her. When we talk to her it's like we are socially unacceptable. I know we are the parents and we probably are. Lots of eye rolls and sighs. I guess I just miss the dd that would pitch in and help us. Last night it was just dd & I at home and she didn't say 10 ten words to me. I asked her if she wanted to go someplace or do something and obviously the answer was no. I understand that teens separate from their parents and I'm assuming that this may be "normal", is it?

We can tell when she wants something from us because suddenly we are mommy and daddy and lavished with hugs and help. Like we can't see that coming.

UGGHH! The joys of raising a teen!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 11-25-2006 - 10:58am
I just have to laugh because I have a 17 yo DD and 16 yo DSD and it's the same everywhere. I used to go to parent-teacher confs. and have all the teachers tell me how nice my DD was, how the teacher wished every student was like her, etc. She is just very moody. Last night she came in from doing some Christmas shopping so she was excited to show me what she had bought. Other times, I will go in my home office when she is using the computer and she just gives me this look like "what? why are you in here?" In a way, it even gets worse when they get a little older and can drive and go out w/ their friends all the time and you hardly ever see them. I guess it's just preparation for when they go away to college or move out. I was just thinking the other night about how when my DD was little, she would want to sit in the big chair w/ me all the time to watch TV, she would come in my bed to sleep cause my DH worked nights and she was just so cute and loving. Sigh! I guess it's just the same everywhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 6:28am
Your sweet daughter will return in about 4-5 years. A gradual process that you will start to see. The person she is projecting to the rest of the world? That shows that she is just fine. She can't let you partake in that goodness yet though because she is busy "cutting the apron strings" as they used to say. So, you don't do anything at all but sigh and wait for it to be over. My dd now 21 has said to me "I was just awful to you wasn't I?" Yes, you were but we made it through. It just seemed like forever and then she was wonderful once again though still sassy on occasion. Good luck and keep a sense of humor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 11:55am
Exactly what I was going to say!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 12:56pm

It really makes me sad reading all these responses that say this type of behavior is "normal."

I have a 16 yo son. He was also very disrespectful and my husband and I had no idea how to handle it. I read a book that said we shouldn't allow our children to be disrespectful; that most kids want to please their parents and they just need to be taught, with often reminders, appropriate behavior. So we sat our son down and told him that if he expected to be treated with respect; he needed to be respectful to us. I never imagined it would work, but, amazingly, it did. He does forget and so we remind him, in a calm manner, and he is quick to apologize.

Thinking back on MY teen years, I wasn't extremely close to my parents, but I never would have treated them the way I see many teens (and pre-teens) treating their parents now. I truly believe the difference lies in the parental expectations (i.e. what we perceive as normal behavior) and how we react to inappropriate behavior.

JMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 4:37pm
Certainly we have all had the conversation with our teens that reinforces the Golden Rule. If you want respect, you shall give respect. With sons it seems to get a response such as your son gave you maybe because with boys it's all black or white. Give the same speech to a daughter and depending on which way the wind is blowing you may get a civilized agreement or a meltdown. Because with girls it is many shades of grey. With daughters it's all about the drama. I was close to both my parents yet as a teen I adored my father and wanted nothing more than to be perceived as good. My mother took most of the fallout. She took it rather well and that made all the difference. You are correct in that the parent's reaction is an important factor. Much of a teen's disrespect is a power play. To get a big reaction is the objective. I still think that it is normal behavior and will pass in time.
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sun, 11-26-2006 - 7:40pm

The joys of raising a female teen! I was one of the few lucky ones. DD didn't go through this stage very much but all her friends did. I believe my DD wasn't your typical moody, emotional girl. She was rather mature. However, it might also have been that there were certain behaviours that I expected and that I also didn't make many rules. There was no negotiation on the few rules we had. They had to be followed or you were grounded, lost access to the car, phone, computer, etc.. I was careful to pick my battles. I just closed her bedroom door & never made an issue on the mess. But if I was going to a family event, so was DD. I always had a weekly 1:1 event that I did with each of my children. Even when I wasn't cool to be with. I continued to tell all my kids that I loved them even when the boys went through this stage and they ignored me but now they are back to replying love you too. It's all part of growing up, the problem you have is to ensure it doesn't go too far & that they treat you with the respect you have earned.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 12:30pm

Thanks everyone! I feel like I have some good company here. Pull up a chair and fasten your seat belt I think it's going to be a long bumpy ride. I'll make a pot of coffee and get plenty of chocolate.

We have talked to dd many times about you get(respect) what you give(respect). Somedays she's amazing other days not so. I just wasn't sure if I should push her for an answer on what's wrong(if anything) or let it go on the moody days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 3:30pm

Our family is experiencing exactly what you've described in your post. Unfortunately, our younger dd began behaving this way at age 15 and now at 17, she's still in the throes of moodiness. I do believe though that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. My older daughter displayed the same type of behavior at 15 and 16 although not as bad as my younger daughter. She's 19 now and an absolute joy to be with. She's the child I once remembered grown into a wonderful young lady.

I mention this to my younger daughter, how I miss the "old" person she used to be and her comment is "Mom, I'm growing up...this is now who I am". Perhaps she's right but I'm still going to wait to see the sweet child that I know she is. It just might take awhile. We feel as you do. As long as she's safe and not harming herself, i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, etc., we just have to let her be and wait it out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:57am
I'd better go check my daughter's bedroom... it sounds like she has moved in with you! Every now and then there is still a glimpse of the "old" DD and I try to focus on those good moments (although I am careful not to let DD see me looking weird... as this would ruin the "good" moment and cause a return of the "evil" twin). Thank god for old home videos....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-14-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:25pm

I was just thinking this same thing all day! Over the holiday when my kids were out of school, my dd was just wonderful, for the most part that is. It was a joy to have "her" back! LOL! Okay, she goes to school yesterday and still everything is fine. She gets up this morning, and there is that "other" person living in her body! She has beautiful straight hair....well this morning, she put a ton of gunk in it and "scrunched" it, more make up than usual, and when I commented on her hair, it was like "what is wrong with it?" She is taking some cough meds and the bottle says, drink a full glass of water when taking the pill. She took it with one sip of milk, I told her she needed to drink plenty of water or something with it. She looks at me like I am the stupidest person on earth and says "it's fine mom". Of course, I walk away grumbling, "Yea, I know, I am the stupidest #%&*$ on earth!" Then the bus picks her up, barely a grumble good-bye....

I wonder who will come home this afternoon? HA!