Relationships! When do I stay out?
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| Mon, 11-27-2006 - 12:24pm |
I would like some advice from other parents. My 15-year old daughter has known this boy since this past summer - she met him through our church's youth ministry. They didn't really pay too much attention to each other until her birthday party, which was in October. She invited him because she thought he was "hot" and she wanted to get to know him better. Well,he was the life of the party and all the girls were falling over him - many of them didn't know him previously because he does not attend the local high school. Unfortunately, her life has never been the same. I don't understand all the ground rules of teen relationships, but apparently you are not "BF" and "GF" until you have officially been asked out - of course the boy does the asking. Also a new phenomenon that was not around when I was a teen is "Myspace" and "AIM". These seems to be the mainstream of communication rather than talking on the phone, although they do their share of late night cell phone talking.
Well the relationship started out rocky from the start. He told her from day one that he could not "decide" between her and another girl. So for over a week he "toyed" with her leaving her messages that she was beautiful, amazing, etc. and then would turn around and make a comment that he liked the other girl more. My daughter would cry and sob and then word would get back to this boy and then he would mess with her head more and lead her on. My daughter's friends began to get mad at this boy and send him messages and call him and tell him to either make up his mind or stop messing with her head (this went on every day and night for 2 weeks). So he made up his mind and chose my daughter. They were inseprable and would go to concerts, movies, parties, etc. Then my daughter made the mistake of giving this boy her password to her Myspace. I asked her why she did this and she said because he asked her and if she didn't give it to him then he would think that she was hiding something. Well of course, he logged-in and read all her e-mails and messages from old relationships and he blew-up at her and accused her of not being honest, etc. days of more crying and sobbing. They managed to work things out and everything was fine until Friday night when he invited her to a Christian Rock band performance. According to my daughter he completely ignored her and treated her as if she wasn't even there - she called him on it and he stopped doing it, but he then left her stranded without a ride home and we had to pick her up. She cried all the home. We were furious.
The grand finale was last night when he supposedly "broke up" with her because she got upset with him about the previous night, but said that he would still attend the Winter Formal with her, which is is two weeks, but only as her "friend" and nothing more (I thought that was real "big" of him - seeing that we are paying for all of it!). I told her that she is under no obligation whatsoever to attend the Winter Formal with him if she doesn't want to - we can save her dress for another event. She says she still wants to go with him and I have overheard several of her converstions with her friends that she is still clinging to hope that he will "take her back" and give her a second chance. I find this applling that she is trying to cling on to this guy who treats her so badly. She is a very gifted and beautiful young lady who has had many, many boys interested in her - but this is the first real boy that she was interested in pursuing and I think she got heart broken and she is willing to let him do it again!?! I would have kicked this jerk to the curb long before this.
I guess I just don't understand - shoud I stay out and let her make her own mistakes? Is this part of growing up and relationships that she needs to learn? It is so obvious to me that she was just the "flavor of the month" and she needs to move on. I'm sure she can find another boy to go to Winter Formal with.

It's so hard to know when to step in and when to keep our mouths shut. I find it is one of the hardest things to do as a parent when our kids get older especially when we can so clearly see that they are making mistakes. But it is a normal part of growing up and even when we do give our opinions half the time they don't listen because they think they know better than their idiot parents..lol.
Having said that, I have most definately spoken up many times to DD who is now 17. And I can say that while half the time she didn't listen, the other half she did. What I have learned over the past few years is that I got better results with DD when I focused solely on her by talking about what kind of a person she was and what she deserved. I gave up mentioning names of bfs because that would just put her on the defense right away and shut down communication. I especially made examples of other relationships and watching a movie together was a great way to do this. I know there are a lot of great teen movies that make examples of bad relationships and sometimes when they can see a parallel with their own life it can turn on a light bulb for them. I'm racking my brain right now trying to think of a few titles but am coming up completely blank....sorry.
Just know that this will be the first of many heartaches and you will get better at knowing what to say and what not to say as you help DD through them.
I apologize for the fact I am going to be honest
Even hearing just one side of this story, I find I cant hold much anger towards this boy yet you obviously do. That tells me you are too caught up and emotionally involved to talk about this in a reasonable manner with dd at this point in time
If I were the mother of either of these young people
1-I would be taking my son down big time for leaving a girl stranded at a concert HE invited her to-no excuse-I dont care if they argued, etc.
2-I would EXPECT my son to offer to take the girl to the formal if it was 2 weeks away before he asked someone else. She bought a dress-most guys have dates-I think it is appropriate for him to offer even if he is hoping for a 'no'
3-I would be concerned that my daughters dating history on myspace and the dating history she shared with boys were different enough to cause anger and upset in a date
4-I would wonder why my dd continued to pursue a boy who honestly told her from the get go that he wasnt sure he was interested and had someone else in mind
5-I would discuss 'flavor of the month' issues with my son
6-I would discuss going after boys other girls are interested in in order to 'win' with my daughter
They're both young and they have a lot to learn. I think it's appropriate to chat with your dd when emotions have calmed but I hope you will be calm enough to look at some of this from both sides-Isee lots of red flags on both sides
I think you are entitled to give your opinion on this relationship in a way that might make her think about what kind of guy this is. The fact that he would leave her stranded at a concert, no matter what happened, would really get me angry and as a parent, I might even want to speak to him myself about not doing that. However, sometimes people just have to learn from experience. At this time, her friends' opinions might even have more weight than yours.
I am 49 and I can see that my best friend (same age) is wasting her time w/ certain men who use her and don't treat her well. There was one man in particular she had been having a long-distance relationship w/ for years. He would see her when he traveled nearby on business, but since her ex introduced them, he would have these reasons why he couldn't be seen in public w/ her (even after she was divorced, so that made no sense). He is a martial arts instructor, so he would do his classes, go out to eat w/ the local people and then basically meet her in the hotel for sex and the worst part of all, she would pay to meet him and pay for her own hotel room! Then he married someone else and had a baby. He didn't even have the decency to tell her directly and she was devastated. This isn't even the end of the saga. Every time I heard about him and the way he was treating her, I would tell her to stay away from him, etc. but she never listened to me. She had to learn that he was a jerk from experience. So if grown women don't have common sense sometimes when it comes to men, a teenager w/ not much experience isn't going to know what to do. I do think it takes a long time to be able to stand up for yourself and say "I'm not going to take this kind of behavior from you."
As far as the myspace password, I hope she learned her lesson and changed her password. My 11 yo DS gave out his AIM password to a "friend" on the street when he was using the friend's computer and then his friend would IM other kids pretending to be my son, so he had to change it. After that, he learned never to give out his password to anyone. I don't even give my passwor for my email to my DH. I figure I am entitled to a certain amount of privacy.
IMO, bad-mouthing the boy will only cause your daughter to desire him more. I'd try to hold my tongue and let her decide on her own about the dance. I would be sure to talk about sex before the dance and stress that sex shouldn't be used as a way to hold on to a boy. I'd make sure that she had a cell phone at the dance incase she needs a ride home. I think she will see for herself that he is treating her badly. Once the attention is off this boy, I don't think that he will be nearly as attractive. Good luck!