Typical Teen behavior or Disorder stuff
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| Tue, 11-28-2006 - 9:53am |
I struggle with differentiating between what behaviors of my 17dd are typical teen and which are part of her disorders.
She is impulsive and makes poor decisions. She's always struggled with her academics, not because she can't do it or is stupid, but because she has trouble focusing or keeping all balls in the air and also due in large part to her impulsive decision making.
Currently, since end of Sept, she has been going through a manic phase wherein she is making really bad choices, engaging in some risky behavior and this is causing her to fail two of her classes. She only has 4 classes, so if she fails even one class, she will not graduate in June. She takes a med to help with her symptoms, but as many of you know, meds are not a magic pill that fixes everything and there are still daily struggles to stay on top of her.
I've come to a crossroad and I am at a loss - first time in a long time to be honest. I've so carefully learned how to read dd, her body language, what she's doing rather than what she's saying, I've maintained communication with her teachers and even am close with a few of her friends. I have made every effort to keep dd on the straight and narrow path, but if I let my guard up for even a moment she will try and weasle her way into a situation that just has crisis all over it!
She broke up with her bf of over a year at the end of Sept, jumped into a new relationship against my advice and I thought I was doing a pretty good job of overseeing her activities and restricting them accordingly, but alas, I wasn't that good. She broke up with this boy last night - he was nice enough, but I wasn't thrilled with the idea anyway. Turns out she had sex with him, after vehemently denying it for weeks. They've only been together 2 MONTHS! I am crushed that she would use herself so carelessly like that. She told me she lied to me about it because she knew I wouldn't understand...well, she got that right.
I am incredibly disappointed and frightened for her. I don't want a pattern to be set wherein she jumps from boy to boy, from bed to bed. Talking to her is like talking to a wall...she keeps telling me she is trying in school and that I just don't understand what it's like for her. I know it sounds harsh, but I don't think she's trying half as much as she thinks she is..I think in her head she believes that she's doing her best, but I think she's too focused on other things and not so much on her school. She's trying to skate by and it's not going to work as a senior in HS. She is so wrapped up in her social life that she is losing focus on her goals. We just finished discussing visiting a couple of tech schools and what's the point now?
It took me a while but I finally got to the point where I could predict a meltdown or a mood swing and then pre-empt it. It used to be so easy for me to differentiate between her TT and her disorder-related behaviors and now I am having such a hard time. I cried myself to sleep last night and was restless all night. This morning, I found something she had written last night after our 'discussion'. She wrote about living her own life, not conforming to what 'other' people tell her she should, about being free to make her own choices and mistakes - all TT stuff IMO, but with the added disorder-type thinking, she could swing into a depression or go manic...so I have to be careful about what to ignore and what to take seriously. I called her DR and am waiting for a response. I called her school and am waiting for them as well.
Anyway, it's been a tough morning so far. I hope it gets better. I'd appreciate some P & P! Thanks~

Pam, I will pray that Amanda doesn't screw things up for Jason. My goodness he's worked so hard - the last thing he needs is her throwing a monkey wrench into things!
Thanks for the hugs - I am feeling so down today. And lost - I truly don't know what else I can do for dd.
I know this is so difficult for you. It hurts so bad when see our children making bad choices but at some point we have to let them make those choices and live with the consequences. You stated that you called her doctor (is this a therapist?). If she's not seeing a therapist on a regular basis, she probably needs to. They can help her learn to control her impulsiveness.
You may also want to rethink how you are responding to her bad choices. Are you simply grounding her? Are you taking away privileges? What are you doing and are doing it consistently? You may want to sit back and really think about how effective your "punishment" is. If it's not working, you may want to try a new approach. Get creative. Find someway to relate the "time to the crime". For instance, DD got 3 major chores for telling 3 lies.
Does she know in advance what the consequences for her choices will be? I know you can't possibly forsee everything she may do but it helps them to have a pretty good idea of where they stand. I also understand that she probably doesn't think about the consequences at the time she's making those decisions but if you are consistent in applying consequences, she'll eventually get the picture.
The other thing that helped a whole lot for me was to read. I read every book on parenting teens I could find. I also read a whole lot on teens and ADD. I didn't always agree with everything I read but it definitely gave me new ideas and some confidence. It also helped to teach me to remain calm and not let her push my buttons.
Good Luck and I hope things settle down soon.
Lia
Oh wow, h&r, I'm very sorry you're having such a tough time right now. Since I'm not able to give you a 'real' hug, here's a {{{cyber}}} one instead.
I don't have any great advice or words of wisdom to offer, but do want you to know that your dedication and commitment to both your DD's come through in all your posts and I have a great deal of respect for your parenting skills, advice and opinions and look forward to 'seeing' you here on the board.
I hope your day gets better ... sending your good vibes, positive thoughts and good wishes ... and keep us updated on progress with your DD's doctor and school.
Julie
Thanks Lia, I have been reading things since dd was about 6 years old, so I think I've covered quite a bit of resources. I have several books that I can refer to on occasion in relation to her disorders. And I have others that deal with typical teen stuff.
I've learned at least how to let go of stuff that is really small and will not really adversely affect her, but we're dealing with her failing classes and possibly not graduating. And we're dealing with an impulse disorder that causes her to find herself in many difficult situations. These things ARE adversely affecting her, her future, her relationships with her peers, family and friends.
Her DR is her mental health provider - she is her therapist and prescribes dd's meds. DD recently saw her and was able to get out a lot of anxiety and stressful things she's been dealing with, which is great. The DR tried to teach dd some techniques for handling her anxiety and learning how to handle a panic attack. She had an excellent cognitive therapist but dd didn't like her - probably because she was good and saw through her lies. lol. Anyway, by far, the most difficult part of her therapy has been teaching her to control her impulses - I mean, THE most difficult!
In regards to actual punishments, we mostly take away privileges. For instance, there is an open mike event every week that dd really enjoys. She is not allowed to go until I see some improvements in her grades. If she has a friend over, we must be present as she has abused that trust in the past. She has an earlier curfew and she's not allowed to hang out at anyone's home I do not know. I have to add, that these are rules that have always been in place as she's always been difficult. She can be sneaky and lie about who she is with and what she's doing. I had put AIM back on my home computer so I could talk with dd19 who is away at college, but I am removing it tonight because that's part of the problem as well - dd17 is on that computer and the AIM boxes just keep popping up! So, now she's limited to one hour a day of computer time and I'm removing AIM altogether.
She doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't smoke pot - she smokes cigarettes and thats one battle I will not have as I feel there are more important things going on, you understand.
I would say that we're mostly consistent with her. However, she's a very good manipulator when it comes to her teachers and other parents and her peers. BUT, obviously, we need to be even more consistent and really keep a watchful eye on her. She made plans for tonight even after I told her she was not allowed to go out. I don't know how she thinks she's going out, but she seriously does. We've had situations like this before and she will just leave the house and take off - start walking to whereever it is she wants to go! One of our neighbors saw her walking one day and gave her a lift to her friends house that was over 4 miles away!! And never bothered to call me or even ask if it was okay. This wasn't a close neighbor, it was an acquiantance. I was floored. DD was only 15 at the time!
Anyway, I'm just tired and disappointed and I have to muster the energy to tackle this but H is not being very supportive - he thinks that I am over reacting. It's funny, you know, because he totally overreacts about the most stupid things like dd not bringing in the garbage cans, but THIS stuff happens and he says I'm making more of it than there is. I shake my head in wonder~
I spoke with her director at school and she said that she will make sure that dd has more structured study hall time. If she fails her civics class, she will take it again next semester. Thanks for the support - I appreciate it.
Having a bp teen is not easy. Knowing what is teen and what is bp is also a challenge. In fact it's a question I posed to my son's therapist not too long ago.
I think what you may be seeing is a combination of the two. Normal, typcial teen behaviors exassserbated by the bp disorder. Or the BP disorder being exasserbated by the typical teen stuff. Disorganization, forgetfulness,and inconsistancy in performance are all present with both situations. Hypersexuality in and of itself is a symptom of bp and IMO the one area where you want to explore getting clarification on. Find out if she's just being an irresponsible teen or if you are dealing with hypersexuality often found with BP.
Without really knowing your dd it's hard to say what is teen and what is bp. Personally I have found that much of what I deal with is a combination of the two. Not just one or the other at this point. Though if you see her in a manic state and notice that it coincides with the behaviors I would think it safe to assume that it's a bp issue.
I wish you the best.
stacy
Thanks Stacy,
It's definitely a combination of the two BP and typical teen behavior.
Today her DR tweaked her meds a little and dd and I discussed some recent events tonight and went over our disagreement from last night. Apparently the bf who's been following her around like a puppy asked out another girl today...dd had the audacity to actually be indignant and offended by his behavior! lol - I guess she feels its okay for her to dump and jump but not okay for him.
We've agreed that she is prohibited from dating and AIM for now. She must focus on her schoolwork and all other activities outside the family will be stopped until we see her next report card, which should be just after Christmas break. *The only thing she can do is have her gingerbread making contest scheduled for Dec 15th with 3 of her friend in my kitchen - that seems fair to me right now.
Hopefully her med change will help and she and I are hitting the gym tomorrow and Thursday afternoon and that usually helps her to stay settled as well.
Thanks again.
Wow Julie, thanks so much for your kind words. I can't tell you, after this weekend with dd19 and now this stuff with dd17 I have been seriously questioning my parenting skills - lol. Really, what you said meant a lot to me.
All of us, all we can do is the best with what we have, what we know, and what we've learned from others. I don't know how my mom was able to raise 5 kids over a 20 year period of time - from the 50's right through the 70's! Just imagine all the firsts that she experienced!
Yeah exercise does wonders for leveling out my son's mood as well. Something about chemical releases in the brain. All I know is that it works.
stacy
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