Safety v/s Fulfillment

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Safety v/s Fulfillment
36
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 9:55am

I have a question. I know most parents would prefer their teens not have sex. But when we choose too anyhow, do you prefer that we have enjoyable and fulfilling sexual encounters or awkwardness and disenchantment?

I feel pretty lucky because I know my mom only cares about my safety. A lot of my friends seem to have parents who give very mixed messages. My favorite is, "Sex is something special," but then the only place their teens can find to have sex is in the back of a car! (IMHO that so very unromantic and uncomfortable). I even knew one girl who lost her virginity in a movie theater restroom.

I would say all parents want their kids safe i.e. no pregnancy or STDs. But how do you personally feel about your son or daughter being sexually satisfied?

Holley

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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:26am

I want it to be uncomfortable and unsatisfying. I want it to be horrible and inconvenient.

I'm sorry, but I just don't understand why or when any parent would be concerned with whether or not thier teen's sex life is satisfying. Safe? Absolutely.

Maybe when they are ACTUAL young adults, self sufficient and independent I would hope or wish that thier partner is sensitive and patient and tender with my dds, but at 16, 17 years of age, no, it's not really a thought for me. I am more concerned with trying to keep her from having sex altogether to be honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 10:49am

This is something my boyfriend and I were talking about recently. We both feel pretty lucky. My dad is an abusive alcoholic, but he is pretty liberal when he is sober. Neither my boyfriend or me understands the whole strict parent thing. It just seems so pointless. We both have friends who have had sex in some of the most uncomfortable, unsafe and unclean places imaginable.

I am trying to figure out why any parent would want their kids to have less meaningful sexual relationships. I could understand in cases where they were being promiscuous or unsafe, but in general it just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Do you dislike you daughter's boyfriends or something?

Holley

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:16am

Actually, no, I did like her last BF. I don't have a problem with being sexually responsible overall. I have a problem with teens being overly casual and promiscuos, as I suspect is the initial worry on most parent's minds when thier kids become sexually active followed by safety from disease and pregnancy...perhaps not in that order.

It just happens you caught me on a bad day, holley. I have a 19dd and a 17dd. My 19dd is in a new relationship and says she is not ready to become sexually active with this guy. He is nice, respectful, seems to really enjoy dd's company. But my dd's reservations are typical of her personality - she takes her time when making a decision, especially a big one like this. She truly respects herself and will not easily 'give it up' for just anyone. I can trust and am assured that when she's ready it will be because SHE is ready and not because he is pushing her. She will use double protection and they will have an actual conversation about that next important step in their relationship, for my dd doesn't feel it should be taken lightly. For her, it MUST be emotionally satisfying in order for it to be physically satisfying. Understand?

However, my 17dd has impulse control issues and often finds herself in situations that she either can't handle or handles poorly. And right now she's going through a situation that I think is out of control. So, the fist thought on my mind is not whether or not she is comfortable or satisfied sexually. It is that she learn some control and appropriateness in regards to sharing herself with any guy.

I believe that a couple can be safe AND be satisfied. You need not sacrifice one for the other. I've been doing it for years and years - being safe and satisfied.

Incidentally, I believe satisfaction is something that is acquired over time and improves as a more mature and deeper level of emotional intimacy is developed. I do not think 'good sex' is something to simply be had. Yes, it can be exciting and wild, but I don't think that's what you're talking about. Sometimes the most intense, satisfying sex CAN be had in a car or in the woods!

In other words, IMO, geographics isn't what makes the sex so great; its all in the heads of those engaged in the act. A theatre bathroom, well, that's just gross, but hey - who knows?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:21am

Holley,

I can honestly say I really didn't give that much thought when I found out that DD was having sex. I took her to the doc for birth control and set some guidelines. I wasn't about to make it easy for my DD to have sex so they weren't allowed alone in my house or her b/f's. Also anytime spent in any room other than the family room had to be with the door open. My thinking was twofold - first of all I didn't want to walk in on anything unexpected and I wanted her to have to think a little about her decision. I figured (probably all wrong) that if they had to work to find a suitable place (her car was way too small and his truck hasn't run in about 2 years) then they might think about how important it really was to them. I also made it very clear that she wasn't to lie to me about her whereabouts. Until each of my kids turned 18, that was a very definite rule. She wasn't about to say to me "Mom, we're checking into a motel to have sex." She also learned that if she lied to me, she would be cleaning the garage or washing the windows so that wasn't an option. I figured that by limiting their ability to have sex then her likelihood of getting pregnant decreased. I also figured that this would give them more time to develop their relationship beyond the physical. As DD got older and more mature, she realized that she wasn't ready for sex and quit. She's still with the same guy and he's okay with her choice.

I know I probably didn't answer your question but I guess how romantic it was for them was up to them. If they wanted romantic bad enough, they would have found a way. That was their problem not mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:12pm
When they are adults in a mature, committed relationship I certainly hope that all aspects of their relationship are satisfying and fullfilling, including the sexual aspect, although that is SUCH a small part of a mature relationship.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:21pm

Dear Holley:

As the parent of a 17 yo girl (who to my knowledge hasn't had sex) I would say I am most concerned about her not getting pregnant, not getting a STD and when she decides that she wants sex, I hope it's in a meaningful serious relationship, not just casual sex. This is something that you only learn when you are older and more experienced, that there is a vast emotional difference between sex w/ someone you don't know very well and aren't committed to, and someone you are seriously involved with. If you have the emotional commitment, the physical is just so much better because you have the freedom to find out what feels good w/o worrying the other person won't respect you, is going to leave you, etc.

I worry that you are being raised by an abusive alcoholic father who "when he is sober" is pretty liberal. What does that mean? I infer that he thinks it's ok for you & your BF to have sex. Is that right? Well, you may think that's great as a teen, but to me, it means that your father is totally not doing his job as a parent. When my DD turns 18 and probably goes away to college next year, I will have no control over what she is doing away from home. Even after that age, if she were to call and say "I'm bringing my BF home for a visit. Can we sleep together in my room?" I would say no. If they didn't like it, they could get a motel. When my ex & I were engaged, we lived about 1.5 hrs. away from each other and visited on weekends. Since he lived w/ his family, I had to sleep in his sister's room. Yes, we still managed to have sex, but his strict Catholic parents wouldn't let us sleep in his room in their house, which was their right. Of course, we were adults in our 20's, so he did get his own apt.

But I feel that I would like my kids to have a satisfying sexual relationship eventually, which to me means that they should wait until they have a serious committed relationship and are adults and then they won't have to worry about doing it in cars, etc. because they will be old enough to have their own apts. and rooms and then they can do whatever they want in the privacy of their own homes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:46pm

What I mean is when dad gets drunk he beats the hell out of us. For example he found out my sister was dating a 23 year old black guy with two kids and as a result he broke my sister's nose and literally threatened to kill the guy. Luckily none of us have to live at home much longer. My sister is the youngest and she only has three more years so it is no big deal at this point. Also we are lucky because mom is a doctor and can stitch us up when needed.

My parent's don't care if I have sex or not. Mom loves my boyfriend and we have been together a long time. He used to sleep on the couch on weekends, but he's pretty much moved into my bedroom since I turned 16 because it was easier than the obvious sneaking around every night. I have spent the night at my boyfriend's apartment several times also. It makes thing easier since he doesn't live locally.

My parent's don't allow my youngest brother's girlfriend to spend the night because she lives in the same city.

My parents have just recently found out about my sister's boyfriend. Dad would have had him arrested if he had been sober. Instead he was drunk and just blew everything out of proportion.

Holley

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 12:58pm

Could you define mature, committed relationship for me? That is what I think I have, but I'm 16.

5 minutes in the back seat of a car sounds absolutely horrible! What about our satisfaction? I don't care if a guy can get off in 5 minutes, there is more to it than that. Would you really wish something like that for your son's girlfriends?

Holley

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 1:00pm

So what would you have said if she used the comment, "Mom, we're checking into a motel to have sex." I have said something similar to my mom to celebrate being together for a year. My mom's response was, "OK, just call if you go somewhere else."

I feel fortunate to have my mom. I truly think I could tell her just about anything and she wouldn't judge me or make me feel bad about myself. My sister isn't so lucky though. She makes a lot of bad decisions and mom is pretty hard on her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 1:06pm

I think you have helped me understand.

I feel that I have a very good relationship and my mom treats it with a lot of respect.

My sister is very impulsive and promiscuous. One of her friends is pregnant and another is expecting. Neither of my parents approve of the people my sister dates and I guess you could say with good reason. My sisters EX boyfriend was 23 years old with two kids by young girls already.

I think that I might have figured it out. Parents want their teens to have great sex, but they don't want them to become hoes. Fear drives some parents into thinking approval of sex will lead their children to becoming hoes. Did I get it right?

Holley

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