Tonight is a living He__
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| Wed, 11-29-2006 - 9:10pm |
When I got home the 2 girls were sleeping and their chores or homework wasn't done. I asked them to get up and get started. they laid there. i went into their room atleast 5 times asking them to get up and get started. now we have been taking things away from them when they don't do what they are told. a necklas a nick nack or something and i told them i will throw it out at a gas station if they don't get up and get started. now i can't be that mean so i keep the thingsin a box in my friends house and i will not give them back to them until they are much older or when tey move out on their own. Well that isn't working either. I went in to tell my 17 year old E to get out of bed and take out the trash. it's her job this month. Yes i can do it myself but i dn't feel it is teaching them responsibility. she wouldn't answer me and just stayed there. i went in several more times and she wouldn't answer me or get up. i pulled the blanket off of her and she looked at me with evil in her eyes. I took her by her sweat shirt and pulled her to get her up. she is 5'9" and she weights 197lbs. so i couldn't just drag her out of bed. well she swung her arm at me and told me to leave her alone. so i grabbed her shirt and told her to get up and not to swing her arm at me again. so the other one comes into the room 15 A and she starts screaming at me that they don't have to listen to me and that they wished i'd leave that I "Don't belong there" what???????? They tell me that their dad tells them that he wishes i'd just leave. so ofcourse when i tell him about it he says i'm just letting them get to me. I asked him are you saying stuff like that to them? he says no. then i saw we need to confront them together! he says no i'm acting like a teenager. I don't think i am. it's like he wants to avoid the subject becausehe is guilty of saying it. Well my 15 year old called me a Bi___ and I automaticly smacked her in her face. not even hard enough to leave a mark just to give her the message hey you aren't going to talk to me like that. she swung back and smacked me and dug her nails into my wrist and it started to bleed. so she puts her hands up and I smacked her and she just went off and kept hitting me over and over. my dh then stepped in and told me to leave!!! and not come by. i'm sorry but i'm NOT going to let my kid call me a name like that and get away with it. so we argue i grab my gym bag and decide i'm going to leave. he comes into our bedroom and shuts the door and we are trying to talk but he keeps screaming and i'm trying to tell him that him screaming at me is showing them they win because now they have him mad at me and screaming at me and telling me to get out. in the mean time my oldesrt dd age 19 comes and wants to ask me a question so she opens the door and she asks the question i tell her i can't deal with that right now because we are in a discussion and she looks like she has her jacket her purse and her keys and i reminded her she couldn't go out tonight because she had to clean her room because it really smells. she said she was going out anyway. i told her no you live in my house and my rules and you will do what we say. after you clean your room then you can go but you have to be home intime for your curfew. she said no she is leaving then and she would come in when she wanted to. i told her to give me her key because if she wasn't home by her curfew she could call me and i'd decide if i would let her in. so dh picks up and try's to get the key from her. All I wanted was for her to finally realise that hey your not getting away with this anymore. I didn't have plans to lock her out. i just wanted her to have to call and have her let her in. so that kinda blew up.
so I go to walk out the door with my gym bag and then my 15 year old has gotten mad the one i got into a fight with and took off. so dh gets in his car and takes off. so i go to my car and realise i forgot something but my 17 year old was standing in my way and wouldn't move so i just walked past her. and on my way back through the hall she was still standing there with her arms crossed and wouldn't move so i pushed passed her. she then told me she was going to hit me. I turned around and looked her dead in the eye and i told her "then go ahead" she got up close to my face and took her hand and hit me with such force that my head snapped back I was stunned! my other kids are screaming and crying at this time. I reached over and smacked her on the arm and told her she had better never hit me again. I was so mad and hurt that I told her that from this moment on she was dead to me. I could see the anger build in her eyes and the hurt just take over her face. I could't help it. i was so stunned her or her other sister has never hit me before! just as i'm walking out of the house and trying to get the younger kids to get in the car so we could go somewhere she is telling them that if they go with me i'm goign to kill them. so i ended up getting two of the younger ones in the car so we could leave just till dh got home or things calmed down. well he pulled in behind me in the drive way and came in the house and basicly said he didn't want to live with any of us anymore and didn't want to speak to me ever again. so what did that teach them. that yet again they were able to turn us against each other.
So the two fo them 17 and 15 have taken off outside with the cordless phone and called their aunt. she didn't answer the phone but called me back and wanted to know what was going on. i told her what happened and she was we need some major counseling. well no kidding!!!!!
I also must admit that after my dd hit me in the face I went into their room grabbed the nearest things from their dresser and crashed them to the floor. I know it was immature and it wasn't the right thing to do and how stupid it was. there isn't no excuse for my behavior all i can say is that when she hit me i was stunned and that was my first reaction.
I have scratches that are bleeding up and down my arms and a bruise in the shape of her handpring on the side of my face.
So i took a xanax an ambien and drinking a glass of wine.
my 19 year old is still out and i have no idea when or if she is coming home tonight.
my 17 and 15 year old are out and i have no idea where they are either. i know they will come home because there is no where for them to really go. but i do worry that nothing happens to them while they are out there.
Robin
i'm sorry it was so long i just needed to get this off my chest.

Robin, I'm glad that you and DH have a counseling apt, but I really think that there needs to be a cooling off period on all sides here.
I agree that you do indeed need to find someone to help you-perhaps you could move in with a sister or friend for awhile and get some counseling
Are you the only one who needs help in this family? Of course not, but you're the mom and you're the place to start. After you get the kind of strength you need, you can help DH and the kids through family therapy
But, yes, I think it all needs to begin with you. We moms are the backbone of the family in so many ways!
Good luck and let us know how it comes out
I honestly thought that a neighbor would call the police. I called each childs counselor and let them know EVERY THing involved and what was going on inside the house.
Toda my Dd broke into my car. what do i do about this at this point.
The thing is that up until september my kids were great kids. they were happy we had our problems we had problems with house we disiplined them we took things away we took away provlidges and let them earn them back. i'm not wondering if maybe the switch to a new shool and their aunt moving in with us had some big issues of them becoming out of control.
I made the 12:00 curfew when my daughter was coming in at 3 or 4 in the morning or not coming home at all. i don't mind if she stays with a friend all night i just would like the respect of a phone call to tell me she is ok and she is staying at so and so's house or hey they are having such fun that she is going to come in at 3 and then i'll feel better knowing where she is. i stayed out late or didn't come home till late and i know what it did to my grandmother. it's just that if i have a call from her i know she is ok. does that make sense.
Robin
I was curious, Robin. In your marriage counseling session yesterday, did you bring up what the kids are telling you that your husband has said? I would think that would be very important. It's unlikely they're just making all of this up out of thin air.
Is the aunt on your side of the family, or his? How are things going with her? Does she have any influence (good or bad) over the kids?
This situation has really got me flustered.... I couldn't imagine children saying some of the things they've said to you.
Please keep us posted.
zz
My dh refused to go. so we had our session by phone and made a new apointment for monday. I will be bringing it up on monday.
The aunt is on his side of the family, it is his sister. she lied with us for a few months. she moved in in august and just moved out nov. 1st. that is the toughest time we have ever had with our kids. we have a lot of kids so it is always kahos here. She tells them about her sex life and that she is sleeping with her manager who has a girlfriend who also works with them. (they are bartenders). she tells my 19, 17, 15, 13 and some of my 9 year old this stuff. There is a lot of tension between us right now because my 19 year old didn't like our rules so she left and said she would come back on sunday. the reason we have a curfew is because she was going out and not coming home till 12 in the after noon the next day. She wasn't giving us the curtiousy of a phone call. she has half eaten food in her room dirty stinky diapers (from the baby she watches every other weekend) mcdonalds food and bags of open chips half drank cups of milk and stuff that has sat there for months. i tell her that she cannot do this because i don't want roaches. well i just found 2 roaches and i don't know if it is from her or if my sil brought them with her when she moved in. i can't sand roaches and i won't have them in my home. she does nothing to help out. she washes her clothes and them will leave them in the washer or dryer till they stink!
so yes she has a lot of influence over them. they love her i don't know why because she always calls or when she is around says i'm going to come get you and you can spend the night or i'll come get you and take you shopping and then NEVER shows up and we are the ones left holding the bag so to speak. so after 19 years of this we just tell them well i hope she comes but you know something may come up with her so don't get you hopes up too ghigh and of course she does NOT show up.
My kids just started saying this stuff to me in the last few weeks. I never ever said stuff like that to my mother not only because i was afraid but because i've had more respect for them. Today my dd 16 told me infront of my dh "why don't you leave none of us want you here" i turned to look at my dh and i could tell he was mad but the only thing he said to her was find the keys and shut your mouth! to me i don't know what he should have done but that definitly wasn't enough!
so i'm hiding in the computer room trying to get some laundry done and then i'm going to take a xanax and a ambien and sleep through the rest of the day. it's the only way i can get through the day without loosing my mind. Thank god my friend needs me to spend the night at her house tomorrow night to fill in for her and her husband. He is a lieutenet and works midnight shift and doesn't get home till 7 or 7:30 she is a siergent and leaves at 5 am and doesn't get home till 1 or 3 so they just need someone to fill inbetween 5 and 7am and to put the kids on the bus and my dh gets my kids up and on the bus. i make sure everything is sitting out the night before so it is easier on him.
My friend has told me that if i feel i need to stay with her for a few days a few weeks or a few monthys that i could stay with them. but i feel that if i do leave and stay somewhere else nothing is getting resolved and that the kids get exactly what they want, but then again my 9 year old becomes hysterical if i walk out the door to put a trash bag in the trashcan and is begging me not to go. or when she leaves for school she asks me if i'm going to be there when I get home. I know that if i leave it will cause major problems with her.
and i don't want to stay with my friend because i don't want to put them in hte middle or cause added stress to her family so i'm kinda at a loss as to what to do now. so the easiest thing for me to do is to take a xanax and an ambien (i'm also on pain killers for my shoulder because i have partcial thickness tear in the tendons and a torn rotator cuff) so i'm afraid to take all three at once so i'll call the pharmacy first and ask him if it's ok.
so If i don'ttalk to you all for awhile it's because i'm sleeping through the emotional and physical pain.
Robin
Robin... it worries me to hear you talk of "sleeping" through it all. Taking ambien, xanax, sometimes wine, and now considering pain pills.. all at the same time?
You're going to have to make some big decisions, and soon. I think you should look for a financial way to get out of there with your two younger children. So what if the older ones feel that they got their way? Let 'em!! You MUST take care of you and the little ones.
I may have got lost through all these posts.. but in your profile you say you are a daycare provider for your princess. Who is that? Is that a job you can turn into a money maker? Are you concerned about taking these drugs to sleep through the emotional turmoil at your house? What does your DH say about it?
I noticed that your next post yesterday was very difficult to read, at least for me. I hope you have a talk with your doctor about mixing all these things.
Sorry if there's too many questions... but my sister died after passing out on downers (her favorites were any kind of pain killers, valiums, but mostly xanax). She passed out and left a huge fire burning in a woodstove. The house burned down. Her son was spending the night elsewhere...my 6 y.o. niece (from another sister) had just been picked up before the house went up.
Where are the younger kids while you sleep?
I hope you stick around and let us know how you're doing. You must get family counseling, and soon. And quit trying to sleep all day.
And, imo, your SIL doesn't sound like a good influence at all on your kids. But it's probably too late, and not really that important at this point, to do anything about it.
You said the other day that you called all of your older kids' counselors. Were they school counselors? Are they in individual counseling? What did they say? Do they have a plan?
Sorry if it's too many questions..... but I do hope to hear from you soon anyway.
zz
Sometimes If i can just go to sleep i'm not worrying or upset or thinking things i don't want to think. My ambien is for night time to help me sleep and the xanax is a new drug the directions say to take it 3 times a day. today i haven't taken any. my kids are home from school now and i feel that i should have taken it already that i should wait till they get home to take it. i'm going to ask my dr. about that. the pain pills are basicly for my crohn's disease. when in stress the pain becomes unbearable. yesterday morning i woke up sick with another flair up so i basicly laid on the couch and slep the day away. today i was still sick but with the pains and the diareah i put in a call to my crohns dr. and am waiting for him to call back.
Finances in this house is extremly tight. with all the medications i'm on and my son is on and the other kids for various reasons we barely have 2 pennies to rub togethere. I am licensed daycare provider but because of my health with the crohns and other things and my emotional status and the turmoil in the house I have 1 3 year old child that i watch. i had her brothe rand her sister. her mother is a very close friend and i talk to her often about things that are going on. So at this time I don't feel it's safe for me my family or any kids to bring in more kids right now.
I definitly think you are right about mixing the meds and drinking a glass of wine. when i go back and reread my posts it sounds like someone off the wall or drunk. I know i'm going to have to watch that.
My dh doesn't care what is going on as long as it doesn't bother him or it isn't happening when he is home.
He is off today and we were supposed to have an apppt. with the counselor but with me being sick and he just stayed in bed we missed the appointment. we'll have to pay a $50.00 missed appintment fee now. I am going to reschedule it and if he doesn't go this time then i'll go without him.
Thank god the kids were not home when the fire broke out. For many may years i watched my mother try to kill herself. most of the attempts i think she was trying to just get somebody to listen to her.
On friday my sil had a baby shower for her son and his girlfriend. She wanted my two dd's to spend the night with her but I said no because they were both punished. I didn't give in. one of my dd's was supposed to be painting a mural on my sil's friends wall and i didn't give in and let her go there either. I did how ever tell her she could go the next day for a few hours to do the painting. well to make a very long story short while i was sick she called to ask if she could spend the night and my dh let her. I told her that i thought we weren't going to give in and let her play us against each other but he got mad and walked away. so she was picked up saturday at 4:30 but didn't get home until about 10 or 11 last ngiht.
While I sleep my 9 year old i usually playing or watching tv or i'll wait till dh gets home and then leave them to him and go to bed early.
The kids counselors I called were their school counselors. I wanted them to know what was going on in the home so she could keep an eye on them at school. it is affecting my 9 year old and my almost 11 year old son.
Today my dh was off work and he worked in the part of the laundry room he calls his office getting it straight and throwing things away. he cleaned the family room (which is a never thing) and when the kids came home he called them all into the family room and chewed them about about the half eaten fod and dirty dishes shoved under the couch. well my 16 year old almost 17 refused to come down to the family room, after him calling her several time she finally came down. I had asked her to do something and she said i will never do anything for you again andi'm not talking to you. i'm glad my dh was sitting there and after several times of him telling her to do it she still refused he stood up out of the chair and then she finally did what i had asked her to do. It just that unless he is there to back me up she won't do anything at all. She doesn't make the nasty comments infront of him to me.
We'll I have to go and get the kids clothes ready for school tomorrow as i won't be here tonight i'm going to spend the night with a friend.
Robin
Well I can understand your frustration, I myself just smashed a vase into a million pieces last night but considering that what I wanted to do was grab my daughter by her hair and drag her, it was better to have broken the vase although I did feel immature about it as well. It's so hard to keep my cool when they don't listen. I'm a single mom and my daughters don't want to do anything either sometimes it's a chore just to get them to flush the toilet..lol I feel so drained every night, when did my home become a war zone?
I am in family counseling and it helps a little because we able to express how we feel to each other without yelling . Tonight I am having a family meeting because I feel like I can't do this anymore something has to change. I just wanted to let you know I can totally understand where you are coming from just be very careful with the pills and drinking. Pills are HIGHLY addictive and noone sees them as that because they are prescribed but I know from a friend experience they can take over your life. So just be vigilante about how you are using them. Hang in there!!!