My dd is gone

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
My dd is gone
13
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 10:52pm

My dd called. the 19 year old one. aparently she talked to her dad and told him she wouldn't be home till sunday. he agreed without speaking to me first.

when I called her to remind her that her curfew was at 12 and she had better be home by then she then told me she wouldn't be home till sunday. i told her if she wasn't here by her curfew tonight then she would have no home here that i would take her things and drop them off at her friends house. my husband isn't speaking to me. I feel like a piece of dry wall that is crumbling because the support beams behind it aren't strong enough to hold it in place. now i'm feeling if i don't put a steel wall there to help suport the wall that the wall (meaning my family ) will crumble. i'm trying to push the stell wall in place and dh is on one side trying to push it away while the other kids are on the other side pushing the other way and i'm stuck in the middle trying to hold it there.

it's been several hours as this has started and we get calm periods through the night and then they become humungous outbursts. i want to stay awak until 12 to see if my dd comes in and if not i will lock the doors and while everyone is away at work or school tomorrow i will be boxing and bagging her things up.

Robin

Robin

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:15pm

Robin? There are a lot of really great people who visit this board and usually, you can get great advice, encouragement and suggestions.

But what you're sharing here is way beyond what any of us is equipped to help you with. Not positive on that one, but pretty sure. You are an abused woman and if I were in your shoes, I'd be the one packing my bags -- not those of my dd or any other family member.

Please, get yourself to a safe place. And then get some help.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 11-29-2006 - 11:16pm

Honestly, I'd wait until tomorrow morning before making any important decisions, or even ultimatums.

Sorry everyone's going through this. It must be really tough on the younger ones. Please call a family counselor first thing in the morning.

IMO, even if a child calls you a bit.., it's not reason for physical violence. YES, it is hard... btdt. Let us know how you are doing, ok?

Good luck,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 12:13am
Robin, it sounds like you're really suffering, and I feel your pain. It's hard to make your kids be responsible when your husband is not supportive. I think that I might have gone off just as you did if my children had treated me like that. Know that we sympathize with you. As another posted, family counseling is definitely in order. But for tonight, sleep peacefully knowing you have fellow moms in cyperspace who understand you and wish you well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 1:43am

My dh and I have an appointment in the morning together. but it's not dealing with the issues of the kids. all is quite now and my dd hasn't called or come home.

Robin

Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:39am
Don't make any important / life changing decisions in the heat of the moment. Although you might not like it, your DD did inform your dh that she would not be home and she is 19. The time to negotiate house rules is when she returns home. I read your profile and it says "best advice I've ever received: Turn the other cheek." Take your own advice and do this for now. The time for a more permanent solution will come later.. I'm thinking of you and praying for a positive outcome!
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 8:57am

So, Robin, how are things this morning? Do you see a counselor today. Your family is in crisis and you need to see someone ASAP - do not just wait to be seen. If you must call a family crisis center in your area so you can find out what the first step should be for yourself, H and your kids.

IMO, the stuff with the 19 y/o's curfew should not be a priority. She's obviously still a member of your home and certainly should be contributing with chores, etc. However, if she doesn't learn to utilize and prioritize her time wisely NOW, when will she?

It sounds to me like everyone is having some major control issues in the home. You, H and your kids. You each have a role in your home - to work as a team, with fair and equitable rules. Once the kids reach the ages you mention, I really have to disagree with the ideology of "this is my home, my rules, you do what I say when I say it". I think that with some counseling and a supervised family meeting, you should be able to find a way to create some FAIR peace in your home. Instead of everyone struggling for power, you should all be working together.

For now, many gentle hugs. Please take some time to nurture yourself and stop taking the combination of xanax, ambien and wine - one of my sisters wound up in the hospital from that combo; long term it is not helpful! xoxo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 10:39am

I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. YOU are the adult in this home and it is up to you to keep calm and order. Of course your children are going to resort to hitting you if that's what you've shown them (even a mild slap to get attention gets so much bigger in the mind of an adolescent).

I agree with the others that your entire family needs counseling but it most likely have to start with you. You are exhausted from dealing with this for so long and you are doing anything to make it stop but this way won't work. It only makes things worse. When I was so exhausted from dealing with my own DD that I wanted to put my fist through the window, I knew it was time for help - for me! My doctor increased my anti-depressant and my pastor suggested that I see an adolescent counselor (one that normally sees teens). This counselor was able to help me see how my DH's alcoholism and my do-nothing attitude had affected my girls. She helped me to learn how to remain calm in these situations and she also taught me how to help DD to deal with things as well.

I personally think that maybe you need a vacation for a while. If possible, stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks at least. This will give DH time to deal with things. It will give you time to calm down and get started in therapy. It will give your kids a chance to settle down.

I also think that it would be best for the 19 y/o to leave for a few days. She sounds to me like she is acting very responsibly. She doesn't want to get caught up in the violence and hard feelings. She's knows she needs a break and is taking care of herself. I wouldn't pack up her things and not let her back home. We all need a break sometimes. It's very wise of her to know it and to do something about it.

I hope I haven't offended you. That certainly isn't my intention. I try to not be so blunt most of the time but right now I feel you are so upset that this may be the best way to help you.

Good Luck and you and your family are in my prayers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 9:30pm

I haven't been home sense this morning. i'm staying at a friends house (it was already prearranged as she needeed help witch child care from the hours for 4a;30 am to 7:30 am so i'm spending the night.

I agree that we are all struggling for power right now. we were supposed to have a meeting this morning with a therapist for dh and I but he refused to go so i met with her by myself. we did reschedule for next monday so we'll see how it goes then.
robin

Robin
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:08pm

Sorry that things are going so badly for you. I hope you cont. to go to therapy even if your DH doesn't go. Things are really out of control at home and you need prof. help to deal w/ it. The first thing it seems is that you & DH aren't in agreement w/ how to raise your kids. The kids know this and it probably both confuses them (who should we listen to?) and also helps them to pit the 2 of you against each other.

Plus you need better ways to deal w/ your kids than letting your anger get the better of you. I have a 17 yo DD and believe me, there are times when she can get me incredibly mad and I just have to hold my breath. There have also been times when we have had yelling fights, but thankfully not too much and we do end up making up later. I think the people you love the most can also make you the most upset, cause if you didn't really care about them, you wouldn't care that much what they do. Well, hitting certainly isn't the answer, even if you don't hit them that hard. My DH struck his DD a couple of yrs. ago when I think she was 14. She told her grandmother, who called Social Services and it was a nightmare for a year until Social Services would get out of our lives. Also, throwing the kids' things off their bureau and threatening your 19 yo that if she goes away for the weekend, she can't come home are really not great ways of dealing w/ the problems. If the kids don't see the adults giving a good example of communicating and dealing w/ problems, how are they supposed to learn?

I don't want you to think that I'm judging you too harshly because I see that everything is out of control and you just don't know what to do right now. I do wish that things will get better for you and I hope the therapy will help everyone get back together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 4:55pm

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know that how I acted is worse then a teenager and I can't justify it because there is not justification. all i can say is I lost it. it built up and built up till i just blew and acted the wrong way.

My dd will walk past me and make comments to me like "why don't you leave no one wants you here anyway" or "why don't you just die we'd all be happier" or "i hate you" she will yell them to me from her room or the kitchen sometimes just out of now where! i'll be helping one of the other with their homework and i'll suddenly hear something like that. I try to ignore it but when i've heard it for the 10th time in the last hour i just loose it. right now i'm trying to stay out of my house while they are here and my dh isn't home. because they don't make those comments when he is here. so now i won't come home till he is there and he is starting to hear the nasty comments they make and he takes over the control of them. i'm taking xanax regularly now 3 times a day just to get through the day. The reason i told me dd if she left and wasn't home by her curfew she would have to knock on the door for me to let her in. i think it's only respect that she atleast call and tell m she is going to be late. i'm not talking 10 or 15 minutes or a half hour late i'm talking an hour or sometimes she is 3 hours late and not walking int he door til 3 am. she is 19 and not at leagle drinking age. she is hanging around with kids who are being arrested for burglery and breaking and intering she is hanging out with girls who run to the hospital and file false rape charges at boys because they broke up with them. this is the type i'm dealing with. I honestly don't know if my kids are even on drugs i thought i knew they emough to know that they weren't but with such a dramatic behavior change sense sept. and a new school sense sept. i'm not so sure anymore.

I just feel i'm at the end of my shoe string rope and it is either going to break or i'm going to loose hold of it but either way i'm going to fall.

Robin

Robin

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