Why do kids lie?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Why do kids lie?
12
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 1:39pm

I remember someone having a message about this some time ago. My question specifically relates to my 16 yo DSD. Last night my DH went to sleep unusually late for him (11:30) since he had today off. I went to bed right before and could clearly hear my DSD talking from her room, then apparently he did too and went in her room and asked her who she was talking on the phone with. She said she wasn't talking, it was the radio! Now my DH has had big problems in the past regarding her & the cell phone. A couple of years ago, it was going over the minutes big time and there were a lot of other problems going on between them at that time too.

I guess she is getting more sophisticated in her usage now since she has figured out that when she's home after school, she shouldn't use her cell phone. It seems what she does now is wait til we're in bed and then talk on the phone. I don't know how she does it, cause we always used to be able to hear her since her room is next to ours. I figure in the summer, the sound of the a/c going would drown it out, but now? Either she talks really really soft I don't know what...

Anyway, I don't know what my DH was saying to her, but I think he came back in our room and said did you hear her talking and I said yes. So he went back in her room to check her phone. I guess she had time to erase the record of calls received & made, but that made him suspicious because there was no record at all of any calls made to her yesterday and he had called her, so it was obvious she erased them. So he asked me to check on line and see if she was on the phone last night. Of course, she was, from about 10:30 to 11:30, which was the time he went in her room. Then again right before midnight, she called the same person back, just for a couple of minutes (probably to say, sorry I had to hang up but my father caught me.)

Now is this girl totally stupid? I have mentioned to her in the past that there is a record of every call made and she knows we can go on line to find out. I know my DH is going to be more upset that she lied to him. He might get mad that she was on the phone late at night, but as a parent, I would rather have my kid say "I'm sorry. I was wrong" than lie. Esp. when it's something that's so easy to get caught at. She has had this habit many times before. When we had the problem about her being on her phone before, DH would go in her room and she would deny being on the phone when we could hear her clearly (and he's hard of hearing). Like, does she think we are that dumb? or is it that she's just afraid to be caught doing something wrong? I just don't get it. She just had a bad report card and my DH isn't too happy w/ her anyway. I only printed out the one page of the bill for last night. She used about 2000 minutes this month and there were many instances of her being on the phone late at night, which isn't good for a kid who doesn't do well in school. I guess she hasn't learned from the experience of having her phone taken away before!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 5:50pm
I don't know. I think it is probably because in the panic of the moment they aren't thinking clearly, and are just lying wildly to try to keep themselves out of trouble - or at least postpone trouble a bit! I know if they stopped and thought it through rationally, they'd realize they couldn't get away with it - but in the heat of the moment it is probabably human nature to try to make it up as you go along. I suppose one way to avoid it is to not ASK...to simply go into her room and say "I know you are talking on the phone, and I'm taking the phone away." or whatever. Or maybe to say "I have a question I want you to think about and then answer me in an hour.".(at least that way you might get a better QUALITY lie! LOL)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 8:49pm

I've got a suggestion. It won't stop her from lying, but it might help you catch her at talking late. Do you have a phone jack in your room? One of our home phones here has a little light on it that lights up when you're on the line. When any of the phones are off the hook, that phone lights up. Is there any way you can get a phone like that? It'd be sneaky, but then so is what she's doing and it is your house. Or, if she's talking on a cordless, take it to your room with you. If she's got a phone in her room, take it out. Just a suggestion.

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:23pm

I asked this question a few years ago when my DD was lying about anything. I actually did a little research. From what I found out there are usually a couple of reasons for lying -

1) they're trying to avoid getting in trouble
2) they have low self-esteem (they think the real person is more boring than the made up one)

While reason #1 and #2 applied sometimes with DD, we had another situation going on. My DH is an alcoholic (sober 6 1/2 years now). For many year we lived a lie - pretending everything was okay when it wasn't. DD grew up thinking this was okay. Even though DH was sober by this time, DD was lying on a regular basis.

In order to correct this behavior, we had to teach her that the consequences of lying were much greater than the consequences of whatever trouble she was trying to avoid. We did this by tying her punishments to her lies. For instance, three major chores for each day of the three days she lied to us about coming home drunk. She wasn't actually punished for getting drunk (the throwing up and the hangover were enough for her first offense) but rather for lying to me about it. In order to boost her self-esteem, we did the chores with her and praised her for doing such a good job. In our case, the hardest reason to correct was the lesson of living a lie that we had taught her. We had to really start to open up and face those issues. I can't say one problem was more significant than the others so it really took working on all three to fix it. Now she tells me more than I really want to know sometimes!

So far as the cell phone goes, we had a rule that until she turned 18, her cell phone went to bed with me at night - every single night - no exceptions!! On weekends, she was allowed to talk to her friends on the house phone for a while but if I thought she was on it too late, I would pick up the extension and remind her of the time.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 10:35am

Well, it was a stressful weekend because of this. I guess my DH gave DSD many chances to change what she had originally said about not being on the phone, but she kept insisting that she wasn't, and of course, he did check the time on the computer and she was. I thought he was forgetting about it because on Sat. he let her go over her friend's house while I had to drive my 11 yo DS to a birthday party, then she went to the mall w/ her friend. So for some reason, he decides to get up out of bed at 11:45 and start talking to her then about the phone. Like he couldn't have waited until the a.m. His judgment is just as bad as hers sometimes.

Anyway, he decided that the punishment for lying is that she can't use her computer IPod or TV in her room for 2 weeks. He told her she can't watch any TV until he comes home & checks her homework. Now this week for 3 nights he does inventory until 8:00. 2 of those nights, she works after shcool til 6:00 anyway, so that's not too bad. But on the night she doesn't work, I'm sure it won't take her 6 from 3:00 after school until 8:00 to do homework, so what is she supposed to do--just stare at the wall? Well, I suppose she could take the unusual opportunity to read a book, but I don't think she has any. Then he said she had to watch TV downstairs. Now I know that he thinks this will prevent her from maybe saying she is watching TV and using the computer or something, but guess who are the only people who don't have a TV in their bedroom--he & I! So I guess this means that I can't watch TV for the next 2 weeks. I guess he didn't think about that one too much. Not that I watch much TV. I only like about 2 programs a week, but there are some Christmas specials. And I don't want to add to her punishment, but I guess I could go up & watch TV in her room, but it's a really tiny one.

Then he threatens to shut off her cell phone permanently. I told him I thought it was being excessively harsh. I agree w/ taking it away for a couple of weeks and maybe after that, she would have to leave it downstairs at bedtime, but I don't know if shutting it off permanently is too radical. His answer was that he looked at the bill and she was on the phone late at night very frequently. Still, he could solve that problem by just telling her not to take it upstairs. Then he was mad at her yesterday, cause of course, she was pouting around the house and not talking to him. Well, that's the downside of punishing. Does he really expect her to be cheery and want to be w/ him?

But do you know the realy unbelievable thing? Last night, DH went to bed around 10:00 because he gets up really early for work, but he was still awake when I went to bed, closer to 11:00. When I was in the hallway outside DSD's room, I thought I heard her talking very softly on the phone, since he didn't take the home phone out of her room, just took the cell away. A few mins. later, he asked "Do you hear something?" Since my DD was still downstairs, we thought it might be the TV, so he didn't go investigate. I thought we had enough drama for one weekend. But could you believe that after being in trouble, my DSD could be that dumb to then be talking on the phone late at night again? I mean, my DF was kind of an angry guy, but I was well behaved because I felt that it was a lot easier just to do what he wanted (which wasn't unreasonable) than to get in trouble and have him mad at me. My younger DB would weigh how much fun he was going to have against how much trouble he was going to get into. But it doesn't seem like DSD is having that much fun to make punishment worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 11:38am

"so what is she supposed to do--just stare at the wall?" I find this disturbing, but I know that it is just as true for my own kids. The idea that if they aren't plugged in to something electronic, they have NOTHING to do. Yes, they could read a book - but there are also tons of other things they could be doing, too. Maybe some extra chores to motivate her to think of something? LOL I sometimes worry about this with my kids - I KNOW I found lots to do at that age because we didn't HAVE a computer or a TV!! So why can't today's kids unplug?

edited to add - I notice that you also say that if she is watching TV downstairs, you won't be able to, or will have to watch in her room. NO WAY!!! You are the adult, you own the tv and pay the bills. She should ONLY be able to watch tv if YOU aren't using it. That is definitely the rule in this house...and we only have one tv for the five of us. Mom and dad get dibs ALWAYS - don't let her hold your own tv hostage!




Edited 12/4/2006 11:41 am ET by mom2morgan
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:09pm

Why do they lie? For all sorts of reasons...don't you remember, even a little bit, lying to your parents over stupid things, simple questions, just to either hide something or because you knew what the consequences would be?

If I were you, I'd have her hand in her cell to you each evening by 9PM and return it to her in the AM - problem solved. She doesn't NEED her cell at night, period.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:17pm

You know, instead of being so concerned about 'catching' her or making her fess up to lying, why not just simply employ the rule that she has to hand in her phone to you each evening? It totally cuts out the entire problem. There is no reason to drag out a confession from her - just tell her what it is and lay it on the line in regards to her cell phone use. I don't see the relevance of taking away the tv or iPod when it's clearly a problem that she can't handle the rules or responsibility of owning and using her cell phone. By imposing all those other rules and stipulations on her time and privileges, why not just react to the actual problem? The cell phone is the problem - she is lying about her usage, she's overusing, she's racking up charges, she's behaving irresponsibly....take it away.

My H has the friends and family plan with dd17 on his plan. He specifically told her she could not download any ringtones or go over her text msgs. She not only went over her text msgs alotment, but she also downloaded 3 ringtones. He immediately called Verizon and had the plan revised to block all texting and downloads and took away her phone for the weekend. She's been pining for a new updated phone. Instead she's getting a new battery - why get her a new phone when she can't be trusted to use it within the limitations set forth by us, the bill payer?! The only reason our kids have phones is for OUR convenience, so WE can get a hold of them when we need to - it's not so they can chat it up with thier friends all day and night. And if they don't like it, they can get thier own phone when they turn 18 on thier own credit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:32pm
My 11 yo DS would be able to read a book if he didn't have electric stuff--he is really a big reader. Since school began he has read 2 of the Harry Potter books and now he's on A Series of Unfortunate Events. He plans to read all 13 of the series. He also likes to play board or card games. Unfortunately, my DSD is not a reader, which probably explains why she doesn't do well in school, too. Yeah, I know what you mean that I could tell my DSD that I want to watch TV, but on the other hand I feel bad for her too. Not that she doesn't make her own problems, but in the big picture, I feel that she is very depressed. It's funny--my DH will complain that she's always up in her room but on the other hand, he gets upset if anyone else is watching TV when he wants to, so he kind of had made the situation where she is always in her room. God forbid that they ever do anything together! I mean sometimes I really don't feel like playing a game w/ my son and I would rather be reading the paper, but I figure that I better do it now while he still wants to do stuff w/ me before he becomes a teenager. Seriously, I believe that doing things w/ your kids when they are young lays the foundation for having a relationship when they are older. Which is why I didn't complain about driving my DD to the mall. Sure, it was a pain, but that's how I got to know her friends and hear what they were talking about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 1:45pm

I so totally agree w/ you that this would be an easy solution. And it's not like we didn't have problems w/ her on the phone before. It's funny--you would think that when the kids first got their phones, that's when we would have the problem, but the first year or so was fine. The next year (I think 9th grade) was when DSD went way over the minutes but for some reason, we were not getting the bills in the mail so we didn't catch it right away and ended up owing hundreds of $$. Now if it were my kid, I would make her get a job to pay at least some of it back. I actually don't think she realized that she was charging so much until I told her well, if 4 of us share this no. of minutes, for a month, it's really only 15 mins. per day per person or something like that. Now we have free nights & weekends, so that's not a problem. We gave the girls the speech about not going over the minutes when we got the phones and threatened to cancel them if they abused it. My DD never did and she even said "well, why would she use her cell phone during the day at home when we have a home phone anyway?" We don't even get that good reception at our house. If my DD's friends call her on the cell and it's before 9:00, I have heard her say "can I call you back from my house phone?"

Well, after that fiasco and numerous other problems that occurred that year, my DSD ended up spending the summer at her grandmother's and wasn't allowed to take the phone w/ her cause we would have no control. So when she came home, we had a big discussion about the phone and maybe we would have to get her one of those pay as you go plans, which would really limit her calling. That was the social worker's idea, but since we had a contract, this would actually be costing us more money, so I didn't think it was that great an idea. So she promised she would be responsible and she hasn't cost us more money, so she did keep that promise about not using the phone during the day.

But you are right, it's obviously too much of a temptation for her to have access to the phone at night, so instead of making such a big deal about it, just have her hand it in--problem solved. My DH actually got the girls phones earlier than I would have. I had thought about waiting til they were 16 and driving, but then when my DD was in 9th grade and on the track team, they would go to away meets and I wouldn't know when they were going to get back to the school, so when she got her phone, then she could call when they were close to the school so I could pick her up. And it's great for me that now that she is driving, I can always call to check up on where she is. So she has been no problem. (Although w/ my DS, when I first get him a phone it's going to be pay as you go, so I don't even have to think about this stuff!)

I know that the TV and IPod have nothing to do w/ the phone--that's the punishment for lying. But I have caught her on the phone a couple of times and I will just open the door and say "get off the phone--it's late." I don't say "are you on the phone?" because we both already know she is. If you ask the question, then they have the opportunity to lie. Then my DH will actually say "why did you lie?" Well, it's kind of obvious--she didn't want to get caught!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 2:18pm

I removed dd17's regular plug in phone from her room last week because after I asked her to please hang up, she still didn't. Her excuse was that she was stressed and needed to vent to her friend...it was 11:30PM on a school night. Uh, no, I don't think so.

So, she no longer has a phone in her room, her cell doesn't get decent reception at our house anyways, so her phone cutoff time is 10PM, or earlier if I'm going to bed. LOL. And I check the receivers to make sure all phones are hung up.

When I was 16, my house didn't have a phone. My mother, frustrated with high phone bills (my two older siblings we at college), yanked the phone cord out of the wall one month and she just never had the phones turned back on - and we didn't have cells then!! Eventually, after about a year or so, she had a phone installed in her room only so there would be no abusing that luxury!

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