My daughter's diary....I am crushed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2005
My daughter's diary....I am crushed!
6
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 2:49pm

Hi,
Yes, the title is correct. I read one page of my daughter's diary.

About us:
I have been a single mom since her birth. She is now 15-1/2. I always thought we were very close and she has told me her friends envy her relationship with me/mom.
Her biological dad is not a healthy individual and I had to flee because he stalked me. This is why he is not on her birth certificate and I have cut ties. My daughter knows the basics and wants to find him when she is 18. I am worried for her safety and mine.

Scenario:
My daughter is a pack rat and you cannot see the floor in her room. This has been an area which we have had many discussions about. So I helped her hang up pictures yesterday and move things around her room. I told her I would volunteer to organize her room for her and move things to piles so she could sort through later. She said ok.

What I found:
A book with binding that looked like a new notebook. I thought it was ANOTHER blank book and flipped through it and one page caught my attention and yes, I did read it......
It said she hated when I yelled at her and she doesn't care if she goes to hell, but maybe killing herself would be better. It went on to say that maybe she "is better off with her dad".

The outcome:
I have read a few pages of her her diary once about three years ago and she never forgave me for that. I had no intention of reading anything in her roomm yesterday, but I was so shocked and hurt. I haven't told her, but I just don't know what to do. I always speak so highly of her and I even VOLUNTEER with teens.
How can I go on like nothing has happened. I am damned if I tell her and I have to silently suffer if I don't.

I FEEL like she's a fraud and maybe I am too. I am not a hurtful person but we have had a few yelling matches and we always patch things up. I sacrifice a lot of things so she can have things, but I feel like it just doesn't make a difference.

What do I do now??

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 3:23pm

I know this hurts you. My DD would write some awful things in her diary and most of the time she was just upset and trying to get things out in the only emotionally safe way she knew how. She could be angry at me without upsetting me. That could very well be all this is.

I wonder if your DD would benefit from therapy to help her deal with this fantasy that she may be building in her mind about her father. My oldest's DD's best friend's dad moved out when she was 5. His wife was in the hospital recovering from a miscarriage and he just moved out. Didn't tell her or anything. He just didn't show up when it was time to pick his wife up. He moved in with his drug dealer/girlfriend. When the girls were 7, the friend told my DD "my daddy is the best daddy in the whole world. I'll bet you wish my daddy was your daddy." This from a child that hadn't seen her daddy in 2 years! DD very sweetly said "you're daddy is the best daddy for you but my daddy is the best daddy for rme". I so wanted to cry at that moment. The child's mom remarried a few years later and this little girl learned what a real daddy is and no longer has illusions about her bio dad. Your DD is old enough to start facing the reality of who her father is and why isn't not in her life. She may need some help with that. I would also be concerned with the talk about being dead. It's probably just blowing off steam but I'm not sure that's a chance I would take with my DD. A therapist could better determine that.

Now the problem of how to deal with all this w/o upsetting her about reading the diary. You could simply say I've noticed that you don't seem happy lately and I think therapy could help. Ask her how she feels about her father and would she like to talk to someone about it. You could mention to her that you have a friend at work (or somewhere) that was concerned that her DD was depressed or suffering anxiety and she was concerned that the girl might suicidal. Talk to her about it that way. I've done this a few times and DD never opens up and gives me any great insight into what's going on but it does open the door for me to say what I need to say and I've found that she does listen even if she doesn't respond.

Good Luck and hugs to you and DD!

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 3:38pm

My dd17 has said such things. If I am tidying her room and she leaves written things around I always give them the once over...just to see if there is anything I should know or be aware of. I have read several times that she is mad at me, hates me, wants to go live with her dad, we're unfair, my h (her loving stepdad) is mean, her sister sucks, etc.

You have to grow a thicker skin. Yes, it hurts and no, it's not nice that she thinks those things. In fact, up until last year, I would have an internal meltdown whenever my dd would say something in regards to living with her dad. He's not a great father, even part time. He smokes pot, is just a loser really. But I finally resolved myself to the realization that when she's graduated and 18, she can go live with him...and maybe then she will figure out why we moved so far away. Maybe he will let her down in real life instead of being the man she's envisioned him to be in her head all these years. So, sometime around October/November of 2007 I'm fairly certain that she will make her move. She's in for a real surprise.

Many gentle hugs, because I know it hurts to read such things - you feel like they are so ungrateful because she doesn't realize everything you've done for her; that every decision you've made for the past 15.5 years has been in relation to her welfare.

I would keep this to yourself, perhaps start your own diary to vent to. You could see a family counselor to help you sort your feelings out and learn how to guage the seriousness of what she's written. All teens (IMO) go through stages where they are angry and resentful of the decisions thier parents make on thier behalf - they say things like 'maybe I'd be better off dead', etc. Just be sure that there are no other indications that your dd is suicidal and keep a watch on her. But I wouldn't let this get to you. There is nothing wrong with snooping, especially if you feel she's hiding something major!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 4:58pm

I wanted to add my two cents - I'm one of those moms who has read her dd's diary and found ugly and hurtful things, as well. I agree with the others that it is just a way for her to let off some steam, and a very healthy way at that. I never told my dd that I read her diary, primarily because I wanted her to continue to have that outlet. Instead, I do not snoop in her diary anymore. However, the first time I did I read some things that caused me to put her in therapy immediately. Since then we have been working on being more open with each other - she has learned that if she talks to me, I tend to trust her more. We've come along way, but I do know that it is in her nature to be more private than some other teenage girls might be with their moms. This is just something for me to be aware of, and I try not to take it personally. Not that I haven't shed my share of tears! In addition, if a friend tells dd a secret, she is likely to endure hours of torture rather than reveal it. This has caused some concern and talks about how safe it may or may not be to keep a friend's secrets (if the friend obviously needs help, etc.). I agree that you might want to consider therapy for her.

Anyway, feel free to come here and vent anytime you like.

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:32am

Yelling matches leave deep scars. You say things you can never take back. Normal to, we sometimes can not help it, but yelling can be counter productive.

Take it this way. It is normal for any kid who is upset at her parent to "dream" that it would be better with the "unknown" quantity. You know the old saying "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence".

I would first and foremost concentrate on how she is feeling. I know this is hard but it is not about you. You are suppose to do the best for her. That's your job as her parent. You made those sacrifices because you wanted to. Forget the "fraud" feelings.
She is a person with the right to her feelings. Life is messy and she is far from being a fraud. She is not perfect,no one is. And no relationship is perfect. It cannot be because people are not perfect.

Try not to engage in any yelling matches with her. They can be lethal to any relationship.
Next time, take a deep breathe and walk away if you have to. I know it is harder said that done. But continue to talk to her,in a non-confrontational manner.

I would also suggest that you think of getting her some "outside" help. She could very well have unresolved feelings of misplaced guilt over her father. She could also see her mother giving up so much for her and feels trapped by that. Children have a problem
truly understanding, down in their gut, such complex situations.

Good luck and please don't feel like a fraud.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:47am

It sounds like she gave permission for you to organize her room, which means you would of course look through notebooks to see if they're for school, or blank to be stored for later, etc. It seems that your stumble was innocent, and of course if you're skimming through a notebook something is bound to catch your eye.

I would think that telling your daughter that while you were cleaning and in deciding what to do with the notebook that one page caught your attention, you read no more, but that what you did read has worried you. Tell her of your worries, and perhaps start a conversation about how she thinks life would be better with dad, and what is so terrible that ending her life seems to be an option.

If you can keep a calm and loving tone, she may respond in like. It would be good to apologize for reading the page, and to make sure she knows it was never your intention, and that you didn't read any more. But she needs to be reminded that she asked for your help, and your stumbling upon the information was unintentional.

I guess that the comments many times are innocent, and just a way of venting. However, it would eat at me if something happened, and in hindsight I hadn't at least tried to approach my child.

Just my 2cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 10:42am

Wow - I have been going through so much turmoil with my older son (see my post above) that it's rare that I can actually share advice with someone else - but perhaps I can help.

A diary is personal - and private. I'm not chastising you for reading it, because I have had no qualms in the past about reading my children's diaries and journals if I thought they were into something dangerous or inappropriate (and often found out I was right), and my older son and I have consistent arguments over his "livejournal" (which, as far as I'm concerned, being posted on the internet, is anything but private).

But I digress...the point is, the diary is a personal and private statement of thoughts - thoughts the writer has no idea anyone else will read. Consider it along the same lines of talking to her friends (I hate when Mom Yells at me! Mom is so mean!) - this is where she can identify the feelings she has without any fear of repurcussion - as she's the only one who will read them.

That being said, the ONLY concern I would have would be the references to suicide. While it's not uncommon for teenagers to get dramatic and threaten suicide (or in my son's case, matricide - he's too selfish to kill himself :)), anytime a teen mentions killing themselves, one should take notice.

So I would keep an eye on her behavior - based on her age, I'd guess you probably have a good idea where she is from moment to moment and can monitor her behavior somewhat. You might also want to contact the social worker or guidance counselor at school and just ask them to talk to her for a minute ("my daughter doesn't seem very happy lately; I'm wondering if there's something going on at school" or some such thing).

Other than that, I would do nothing. It's her diary - she needs a place to express her anger and frustration at your completely ridiculous and mean behavior (otherwise known as "parenting") - and she should be left with her privacy. Telling her would only make things worse between the two of you - and unless she's indicating drug use, sexual activity, or some other dangerous pasttime in her diary, I would leave it alone.

As to her being "better off with her father," I wouldn't worry about that either. My kids SEE their father - and I get that line at least twice a week...my older son actually packed a bag two weeks ago - I have yet to see him actually leave, though.

Good luck and God bless