TT Stops by - WWYD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
TT Stops by - WWYD?
7
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 11:25pm

Tonight my dd14's troubled teen ex-best friend stopped by unexpectedly. The girls have not been seeing each other, except at school (when H. attends, which is not often). Some of you know the long story of H and her bad influence. I stopped allowing dd to go over to her house - her parents are losers and try to be their dd's best friend, allowing her to drink and do drugs under "their supervision". DD got in a world of trouble while over there, some of which I didn't know about till much later, thanks to loser mom who lied to my face. Now H is apparently in trouble for truancy - they signed her up for school and don't bother to get her there, apparently.

She hasn't been over for months and then she pops in, and I could tell dd was also surprised. She had a back pack with her, and I have no idea how she got here because she doesn't live nearby. I haven't spoken to the parents in months, especially since the girls are no longer really friends. They are just not enemies and dd will talk to her at school. The other thing is that dd will not tell me if H is in trouble b/c she will have been sworn to secrecy and that's the way she is. This puts me in a weird spot, as well as dd. For all I know, she's a runaway or hiding from the cops? Could I be in trouble for allowing her to be here, when I don't know? I want to call the parents to say, "Just to let you know H. is here." My dh says stay out of it, unless she is obviously drunk or high and then tell her she is not welcome here and needs to go home. I hate to be kept in the dark about stuff, but I know a troubled kid when I see one and maybe here she gets a little normality. WWYD?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:00am

Yes, you could get in a whole heap of trouble for sheltering an underage child without the knowledge of the parents/guardians. Call the parents and have them pick her up.

I wouldn't allow any "secrets" to be kept from you when this girl is in your home. This puts you and your entire family in a very vulnerable position. I believe your heart is in the right place and that you would like to help this girl. However, unless you are a clinical psychologist with a lot of experience working with teens, you will be in way over your head. She sounds like she is a walking dictionary of pathologies. Keep her away from your daughter and out of your home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:07am

Boy this is a tough one! I'm not sure what I'd do. But it might be a good time to re-visit the "good secrets, bad secrets" talk - I know I had these talks with DD when she was younger (boy do those seem like simpler times lol). I explained that she could keep a secret about who likes who, or who's mad at her mom, but she shouldn't keep a secret if it involved someone getting hurt or cheating in school or stealing, etc. I think if I had that talk with DD15 now, I'd get a "yeah, mom" and rolled eyes, but it would sink in and she might come to me later.

Also, if it were Ig (my DD's slightly TT), I'd say "does your mom know you're here? You can use my phone to check in if you want"

How did last night end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 8:34am

I couldnt tell the time frame from your post and I wasnt clear if she had left

Dropping by and leaving before bedtime wouldnt bother me-if she is a TT she is likely to hang with older teens, dont you think? Im sure she would be getting rides from those friends.

Id certainly suggest she call her parents or even drive her home if it reached dark, although Id be reluctant to do the latter and have it seen as starting things up again. Still, Id probably do it if it was the last option over worrying about her at night.

Let us know what happened

In any case, I bet you are right on and she is looking for normalcy-even if she had a fight with someone and wanted a quick peek back in time and its a one time thing. Odd.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 9:33am

Rose would be a very good one to talk to about this. She's got some real BTDT experience.

Personally I couldn't turn away a teen unless I felt they were an immediate threat to my kids. I've been in a similar situation but the "child" was 18 so I didn't have the legal considerations. I made her let her mom know she was okay. She called her boss and her boss called her mom. Her mom had hit her a few times and they both needed some time to cool off. I hadn't seen her in over a year when she called DD for a ride. I think she choose us b/c she hadn't seen DD in a while - her mom wouldn't think to look for her with us. She also knows how much I've always cared about her and she felt safe in our home. Plus we're probably the only family she knows with both parents and I think DH makes her feel safe despite his grumpiness with the kids. Anyway, personally, if she asks to stay, I would tell her that unless she has a very good reason she must tell her mom where she is and then when she calls, I would talk to the mom very briefly. I wouldn't pry as to what's wrong unless she refuses to call her mom. Talking would be a condition of her staying w/o parental notice and even then it would have to be a very good reason to not call her mom (abuse).

If she's just here for a short visit, I wouldn't push it. I would make sure DD knows that some things are not kept secret - period. But I would also have to realize that I can't make DD tell me things she prefers not to. Remind DD that this girl has a troubled life and that she needs help that neither one of you are qualified to give. Ask DD how she would feel is she knew that the girl was in danger and she did nothing to help her and then something happened (yes, lay the guilt trip). If DD says everything's ok, then just keep a close eye on things over the next few week.

I know this is probably a little late but I hope it helps a little.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 9:58am
I agree with most of the others - if she just stopped by for awhile I wouldn't worry too much but there is no way I'd let her stay over.
Pam
Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:49am

How can you stay out of it when she's at your house? H's advice is not wise.

Although her parents are losers, they are her parents and they need to be notified of her whereabouts if she is underage, which even if she's 16 and a runaway that can't be forced to return home, she is still thier responsibility should something happen to her.

I would put the big lean on dd as well. It's BS, total BS, that she pull that kind of confidentiality crap on you. My dd has done that with one of her friends and her whole world came to a screeching halt until she sang like a canary to me. There are some things and certain situations that call for the code of silence, kept promises, and confidentiality between friends - but this is not one of them.

I agree that the primary reason this girl has shown up like a bad penny is because your house is as close to normal as she gets and even though she the queen of rebellion, something in her is screaming for normal - tag, you're it. You could contact a school counselor and try to get them to discuss her situation with you. Perhaps there is some way in which you can help the girl without getting in a war with her parents. That really depends on how involved you want to get. I think bunnierose would be a helpful person to discuss this with should you decide to consider more involvement in this girls life. And open communication with your dd and how she feels is very important as well.

Gentle hugs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 12:13pm

Thanks to everyone for your responses. I don't know how to reply to "all" so here goes: what happened is that she dropped by quite unexpectedly and I was quite welcoming, and let her in. I really believe dd was pretty surprised by her stopping in as well. They quickly went up to her room but I allowed that only for a few minutes before I reminded dd that she had to do the dishes - NOW. So, down they both came and spent the rest of the time in the kitchen/living room where I felt more comfortable with her being there. They watched a movie and ate some snacks. My ds17 was around, and he was whispering to me in the office, "why is she here?" DS claims that dd told him recently that H. is a "loser". He is in one of H's classes, and claims that she shows up about once a week. He overheard her talking about the cops showing up at her house, for truancy. She also has posted all over her myspace that she is in trouble with the cops, maybe she thinks that is cool. This girl always has a boyfriend, and it turns according to ds that her current boyfriend does not live far from here. She was using our house phone and when I heard her about to end the call, I picked up in the office and heard a boy's voice. She said, "I'll call you when..." Luckily, a little before 10 pm she got ready to leave. I asked if she needed a ride, she said no. I didn't think she'd asked to stay the night, she's dropped by like this once before and left after a while. She knows I would never go for it so I guess she doesn't even try.

After she left I thought dd seemed a little tight lipped and weird. This girl always affects her in a negative way, and it's partly the history that "our threesome" has together. I am at fault for ever having come down on H because now dd just won't tell me anything, assuming I'll use it to prove I was right all along. So I pressed a little for information from dd, like, "Do her parents know where she is?" and learned that the dad moved out of the house this summer (again) and that her mother knows where she is. So I guess it wouldn't have done any good to call her house b/c I would have only talked to the dad, who despite all his troubles at least wasn't deceptive. The mother I trust as far as I can throw her. I briefly spoke to dd about how I could be in trouble for allowing her to be in my house if she was for instance a runaway or hiding from the cops. Of course, dd disagreed that I would be in any trouble. As long as she left as quickly as she did, maybe she is right.

I guess I'll have another talk about "good" and "bad" secrets...