My 14 yr old dd made out w/a girl

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Registered: 03-25-2003
My 14 yr old dd made out w/a girl
8
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 9:09am

you may remember she told me that she thought she may be bisexual... yesterday she came home w/a friend (someone she'd met this past summer in camp but had only seen once since then) and they pretty much spent the whole time in her room .... I popped in a few times - always knocking first - but I could tell from body language and positioning that something was going on and then it was confirmed when i overheard her talking to a friend on the phone after the girl had left... I talked to her about it and she was clearly very happy and excited and told me that she really likes this girl... my dd also has a boyfriend in school who she doesn't like nearly as much and she told me that she would tell him about this girl as she thought it only fair...

I was supportive - but i told her that she couldn't have this girl sleep over nor could she sleep at her house as it would be the same as having a boy sleep over (or is it?) and I wouldn't allow that. She was very disappointed.

She also asked me not to tell her dad about all of this... I agreed but now I don't know... I feel bad not telling him everything but I honestly don't know how he would react to all this...

What's everyone's opinion?

Rachel

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Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:13pm

Do you mean withhold the information from your dh that dd is bisexual? If so, I don't think I would do that. This is bound to come out sooner or later. Do you think he would be any less accepting than you about her lifestyle choice? If so, then you have bigger problems.

And lastly, for your dd's own sake, you might want to let her know that this bisexuality stuff for some girls is just experimentation and some kind of trend. The next month they could be back to boys, and that might be a world of hurt for your dd. Good for you that you won't allow her to sleep over anymore, you're right in that it would be just like letting a boy spend the night. I'm not sure I would allow them up in the room anymore either, at least not with the door closed. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:16pm

Fathers have numerous and heavily documented positive effects on their children. They cant do that if they arent involved in parenting by conspiracy

Tell him

I hope he will be understanding and supportive but if not? Oh, well! Girls have grown up for generations surviving the dads referenced in the dating rules post-perhaps they've even been the better for it

Past that, I dont have any advice. It does make sense to utilize the same rules with this girl that you would utilize with a boy-but it's so dang confusing! When this relationship is over and she makes a new friend of the female variety, how do you know how to treat her? After all DD is bound to get wise and not let on who is who if it means restrictions.

Confusing, confusing, confusing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:22pm

You're right about not letting them have sleep overs. It would be the exact same thing as having a bf sleep over. If they like each other enough to be making out in her room while you're in the house awake, what do you think they'd be doing while you're asleep in the next room? Does she and bf make out while he's over visiting her. If not, you might want to talk about it not being any different with having a gf over and doing it. Same difference. And, IMO it might be time for a chat about sex. Make sure she understands that whether she's having sex with a boy or a girl, it's still sex. You can still have transmission of STD's no matter the gender of your sexual partner. The only thing she can be 99.9% sure of is that she won't get pregnant.

Also, I'd have a talk with her and tell her that if she doesn't talk to dad, then you will. Dad probably knows all about the bf, and it's only fair that he be informed of the gf. If you don't tell him, he might be agreeable to them doing some things together that he might be more conservative on if he knew the full situation, because he doesn't see them as gf/gf, KWIM?

Sallie

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:28pm

I would tell my H because I know that my H wouldn't humiliate or go out of his way to embarrass my dd. I would tell my H because he would be able to help me make decisions in her best interest without being led by my own beliefs and emotions - but instead focusing on her safety. If I thought that my H would embarrass her or humiliate her in some way, I probably would not share it with him. I don't really agree with there being full disclosure all the time. There are certain things that mothers and daughters discuss that don't include the dad; that's just the way I feel.

I think I would really try to dissuade her from telling her bf. In fact, I think I would try and pursuade her to break up with her bf. Not just because of the kiss, but because she is obviously confused and unsure - sexual promiscuity is not just about sleeping with too many boys...being mixed up with more than one person is unsafe, physically, mentally and emotionally. It's not fair to be going steady with that boy while experimenting with a girl on the side. And telling him about it is not going to get her the desired response she's seeking - I'm thinking more like an immature 14 y/o boy will be apt to share this with his buddies, possibly telling the town crier and your dd ending up with a not so private life! Some things are better kept quiet and this is one of them. Until she's ready to proclaim to the world that she is a lesbian and be emotionally stable enough to deal with the subsequent consequences of such a statement, she should keep her mouth shut about it.

As for the sleeping over, that's really your call. I personally would allow the friend to sleep over mainly because in my house they'd have to sleep in separate beds...even rooms if they wanted to be comfortable. I guess I just don't really see the harm.

I think when you originally posted this topic I said something about having a discussion about sex in a generalized manner - discussing personal safety and boundaries; about sharing that personal private part of herself; about personal hygiene and treating herself with respect, etc. Well, now would be a great time to go over that again. I've discussed it so many times with my dds I can't remember how many! It is not something you do once. It's a continual learning experience and something you need to bring up over and over again with your kids.

I hope you find the right way to handle this; one in which you do not alienate your dd or H. {{{hugs}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 2:53pm

After reading hearts' post, I have to add that while I do believe you should share something of the magnitude of your dd being a lesbian with your dh, I also don't necessarily agree in "full disclosure" when it comes to dads and their dd's. I wouldn't tell him, for instance, about them making out. Spare him the details, I don't think dad want to hear it, boy or girl. Also see post "simple rules for dating my daughter". What a confusing world...

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:26pm

Haha - mom_dragonfly...I was just rethinking my post! I still believe what I posted, however, a little embarrassment isn't the worst thing a kid can endure from his/her parents...and maybe, just maybe a little embarrassment will make them rethink thier own position. Or at least make them stop wasting thier time experimenting, if that's what it truly is and get on with life.

At 14, I suppose a teen's sexuality could go either way. Personally, I have my own very strong beliefs that a majority of bi-sexuality is experimental (and I'm not trying to flame anyone - just my humble opinion based on friends of my own and friends of my dds). I just think if this dd is 'checking' out the other team (not to sound like a 100 year old man, lol) then I guess now's the time.

However, if she's doing something she isn't willing to be open about, then maybe she shouldn't be doing it.

I have always told my dds, "if you are doing something that can't be published on the front page of the family newsletter, then you shouldn't be doing it..." and I still believe that. There are private personal things, of course, but maybe bringing the dad into the loop wouldn't be such a bad thing in this case. But you're right, leave out the making out details. That's just plain ol' yucky to a dad...lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 3:27pm
Yikes! I didnt even think about the BF being the town crier but yes, that would be a strong possibility. Two of my boys MIGHT hold the confidence but DS2 would not be able to keep his mouth shut, I'm sure!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 9:39pm
First of all know you are not alone!! My niece has been going through this for the last few months, she decided to inform her mother and I that she feels she is a bi-sexual. Which we are absolutely fine with. We understand she might be experimenting or she may truely feel this is her way. Unfortunately the girl she decided she liked is a bad influence and has convinced her to do some very stupid things, mainly lying to her mother and skipping school, my niece is currently grounded until the new year for the skipping. Oh and in case saying grounded doesn't quite tell it all I mean no phone, no tv, no internet, no music, nothing, she goes to school she comes home and she does her homework and reads. She knows exactly how bad she messed up and is fine with this punishment. My nieces mother and father are divorced and it was decided that if she chose to tell him it was her choice because we knew what his reaction would be. The rules for her are now these, nobody she is attracted to is allowed to spend the night, she is also 14 and we feel that teens with their hormones will do silly things. She is not allowed to spend the night at anyones house she is attracted to, and she is only allowed to do group activities with anyone she is attracted to. She lives in a small town and isn't a typical "girl" she can burp the best boy off the planet. We love her unconditionaly and she knows this and we love her enough to punish her when she messes up. You know your situation and your husband, I personally believe in honesty is the best policy but everyone must decide what best fits their situation you will figure it out and I agree with the town crier statement, teens can be mean and hateful it's unfortunate but true. So good luck and I hope it all works out for ya.