Stepdaughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
Stepdaughter
4
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 9:40am

I have a step daughter of 21 years old, who doesn't live with us (she lives with her mother). She treats our house like a hotel. As her gran lives with us, J (the step daughter) comes to our house for lunch everyday. In the time she is there, she drinks whatever cooldrinks there is in our fridge and whatever cheese or ham there is. She lies on our couch watching tv or reading magazines. Leaving her plate or glass in the lounge and the room in a mess.

Whatever I buy she finishes, before I have the time to use it. Once I bought Mozzarella cheese to make pasta sauce. Two days later when I was ready to make it, she had eaten the whole block of cheese. She will come into our home, make herself coffee, without asking if anybody else would like some.

This is driving me insane! am I being unreasonable? I have spoken to my husband and he always tells me he will give me the money for the stuff that she has eaten. He doesn't seem to get that I see this whole thing as a lack of respect for us.

Please help with advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: stepmom2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 9:52am

I definitely agree w/ you about this adult ! having to clean up after herself. If gran is there, is she eating lunch w/ gran, or just using this as an opportunity to get a free lunch for herself? I think the food issue is more complicated. As a member of the family it's awkward to say you can't eat anything, but since she doesn't live there it's rude to go in your refrig and take things that aren't offered. Of course, my kids, who are little, will be very direct about looking for cookies at grandma's house and asking her what there is to eat. Did she ever stay over there for visitation? Because then, she might have gotten in the habit of taking whatever she wanted to eat.

I think your DH should back you up and make it clear that she can't just help herself to anything she wants to eat--maybe he could tell her that she can have certain things but not just take everything she wants. It would be best if the grandmother who is at home could help by telling her that she has to be offered food before she can just take it or at least she has to ask first. I wouldn't go into my own mother's house and just take something to eat w/o asking if it's ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stepmom2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:34am

If I am planning on making a special recipe(this is especially true around the holidays)I will mark any items the boys are not to touch or, at the very least, give them a verbal run down of what's off limits

At the same time, I make sure there are things there for them that they CAN snack on

I think this is a big 'my family did it this way' difference. I never had to ask to help myself to food as a child but I had friends who had to ask before taking anything. I noticed the same trend with the boys and their friends.

I would have DH do the talking but either come up with a 'hands off' list or a section of the fridge you keep filled with foods specifically for her

Personally, I think its awesome she checks in on her GM-free lunch or not! I also imagine that has to be of some help to you, especially if you are gone during the day

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stepmom2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 10:42am

I have to agree it's more about disrespecting your home than about the money. It sounds like your H is afraid of confronting his dd over this. Has that been an issue in the past? He likely feels it's easier to just pay you off for the used food items than to make a fuss with his dd. Kind of lame, but fairly typical, IMO.

I think you should talk with your step dd about it. You can be diplomatic in your approach. State right away that you're feelings do not stem from the added expense, but from the lack of consideration on her part. Tell her she should ask before helping herself to everything and anything in the house. Tell her that on several occasions you've gone to prepare a meal and discovered that a key ingredient had been eaten up without your knowledge. Tell her that if she finishes something off, she should let you know, or even replace it. And then tell her that you expect her to clean up after herself, ie., lunch plates and glasses anywhere but in the kitchen is a big no-no. She's an adult and as such you expect her to behave as an adult. She's not a guest in your home - she's part of the family and all family chips in to help and keep the place clean.

And if she's merely visiting to have lunch with grammy, why is she lounging on the couch watching tv? Maybe you could suggest she take grammy out some days? Or have lunch and then go for a walk or a drive with grammy?

She is taking advantage of you and H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2006
In reply to: stepmom2006
Fri, 12-08-2006 - 2:34am

Thank you all so much for the responses. I have asked step daughter to meet me for coffee tomorrow afternoon to discuss this with her. I am sure you will either cancel as she has previously or she will be sulky with me for a couple of days.

She has never lived with us, so she has no reason to think that this is her home. I battle with this as I was brought up to ask before taking. And to always offer other people if you are making.

It would be lovely to think she does pop into to see Gran. But sometimes Gran doesn't even see her come and go. She is there for a free lunch. We have a full time care giver.
Gran is very wary about getting involved as she feels she is not the parents.

I love my husband so much but between his daughter and son, I have shed many tears. I have got to the stage where I cringe when I arrive home from work to find her car there.

Wish me luck with chat with Step daughter.