HELP WITH 14 YR. OLD PLEASE!!!!
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HELP WITH 14 YR. OLD PLEASE!!!!
| Sun, 12-10-2006 - 10:52am |
I NEED HONEST OPINIONS REGARDING THIS SITUATION WITH MY DAUGHTER. IT MAY SEEM INSIGNIFICANT COMPARED TO OTHER MORE SERIOUS ISSUES BUT SOME INPUT WOULD REALLY HELP ME :) UP UNTIL MID 6TH GRADE TO 7TH GRADE SHE WAS VERY WELL DRESSED AND ALWAYS PUT TOGETHER NICELY. IN ELEM. SCHOOL SHE WAS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO LOOKED TRENDY AND FASHIONABLE. SHE ALWAYS WORE HER HAIR SHORT AND REALLY CUTE SO SHE STOOD OUT AMONG THE OTHER GIRLS.WELL, SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY SHE BEGAN GOING DOWNHILL. NOW SHE WEARS LITERALLY THE SAME 3 PAIRS OF JEANS AND THE SAME SHIRT/TANK TOP. SHE HAS A THING WITH NOT HAVING HER FRONT POCKETS SHOWING,SO WHATEVER SHE WEARS MUST BE LONG ENOUGH TO COVER THE POCKETS. WELL, SINCE MOST SHIRTS AREN'T LONG ENOUGH SHE HAS TO WEAR A TANK TOP UNDERNEATH, BUT THE TANK TOP IS PULLED DOWN SO TIGHTLY,STRETCHING TO ITS LIMITS. MOST OF THE TIME SHE WEARS A YELLOW TANK TOP THAT HAS BECOME SO RATTY AND RIPPED. ALOT OF THE TIME THE UNDERSHIRT DOESN'T EVEN COME CLOSE TO MATCHING. BASICALLY, SHE IS A MESS. SHE IS TRYING TO GROW OUT HER HAIR BUT DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WHILE IT'S GETTING LONGER SHE CANNOT WEAR IT IN THE SAME SPIKY WAY. SO, HER HAIR IS A SO GROSS AND JUST A MESS OF HAIR PRODUCT. I'VE TAKEN HER TO A VERY GOOD HAIR SALON AND HAD THEM TALK TO HER AND SHOW HER STYLES. EVERYONE KNOWS HOW HARD IT IS TO GROW OUT A SHORT HAIR CUT, BUT YOU HAVE TO WORK WITH DIFFERENT STYLES UNTIL IT'S WHERE YOU WANT IT TO BE. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME IF ITS MY RIGHT TO STOP THIS NOW. I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO PULL HER OUT OF THIS- BUT THEN I FEEL THAT I NEED TO LET HER COME TO HER OWN AND ACCEPT THAT SHE MAY NOT. THIS IS SUCH A DRAMATIC CHANGE FROM HOW SHE USED TO BE. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

I know it's hard to watch your little girl go from fashion conscious sweetie to fashion disaster - btdt - but if you can rule out drugs, alcohol or depression as reasons for this change, I'd let it go if she's satisfied with how she looks. Kids this age often get to feeling like nobody accepts them for who they are, and if this "look" isn't hurting anyone, let it go, with maybe the compromise that she clean up nice for special events.
My DD went thru this kind of thing in the 7th and 8th grade too. I was almost embarrassed to take her anywhere - but at least she was clean. I'm not sure exactly what sparked it, but early in her freshman year of high school she started to once again put some thought into how she looked, and now as a sophomore cheerleader, I'd just as soon she put a little LESS thought into how she looks. As I think about it, the unkempt look started about the time she started thinking of boys as something other than buddies (maybe to keep them at bay??) and as she got more comfortable with the concept of boys being something other than buddies, she started putting more effort into her appearance. It's not that she's ever been uncomfortable around boys, she has 3 older brothers who've always had a crowd of friends in and out of the house, but I think it had more to do with an awakening of sex appeal.
If your DD has a history of being careful about how she looks, I suspect she'll eventually go back to that attitude... unless of course there is something else going on, like drugs, alcohol, or big time depression. As far as the pocket thing goes - some of the girls' magazines have been talking in the past year about how certain styles of front pockets will make your hips look bigger, could that be what's behind that one?
Rose
Rose had some great insight! I agree 110%
Meanwhile, I would recommend going with her new style and purchasing some of the tank tops she needs so she isnt having to wear the tatty one all the time. I'd actually get her a gift card or shop WITH her while being nothing but the silent credit card bearer
Theres no point buying clothing YOU like and watching it lie on the closet floor(Ive been down THAT road with the boys)
ITA with the other posters. I think it is pretty normal for girls this age to experiment with changing their "style". I know we went through it with my DD14 during her middle school years. She had also ditched her old friends for new ones (and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing) and tried a couple of new "looks" before settling on where she is now. Her hair has been a few different colors and changed lengths, she went through a big eyeliner phase, etc, but as long as her body was appropriately covered and she was within the school dress code I elected to just let it go.
Nowadays as a HS freshman, she wears jeans, tshirts and hoodies most of the time and likes the fitted look. I have to agree with Rose, sometimes I wish she were a little less concerned with her clothes/hair- she likes Abercrombie and Hollister a lot and they're real budget-busters, lol. I'd ask if she wants to do some shopping for some new things that are her style, but I wouldn't push too much if she is content with her current wardrobe.
I know it's hard to witness but it sounds like your DD is really doing OK. At this age there can be lots of body image, finding one's own style things going on so I would just support her during this phase, if that's what it is. If it helps, when my DD was in 7th grade, she had two pairs of the exact same pants and this is what she wore all year, combined with huge t-shirts. She wore her hair in a very messy ponytail, was about 70 pounds lost inside those clothes, and looked liked her parents didn't take care of her!
Since your DD's style is not provocative and doesn't otherwise violate the dress code, I'd just help her find clothes that work and that she likes. Regarding the hair, does she have friends who have stylists? Sometimes going to someone a peer recommends can make a big difference and teens can be more receptive to the same suggestions you've been trying to make.
I'd be really careful making judgments about her appearance. I blew it telling my DD her eye makeup (yes, this is the same child) was way too heavy and she was very defensive. However, I've noticed that she stopped that experiment.
Hang in there! I can almost guarantee you that things will change!
I also have a 13 year old dd. in 7th grade. In my experience not many 13 year old girls are going to listen to thier mother advise on what they should wear. My daughter certainly has her own opinions, and she also walks around with unbrushed hair in a loose ponytail. It drives me CRAZY. She has the clothes, and the know how, but it seems she only chooses to look " cute" when she's around her friends. (I always find it funny to see her friends wanting to wear what my dd won't.) Anyway now when she comes down in an outfit that she knows I would love...I hardly take notice. I think it's working.
good luck