Two Steps Forward and a Giant Step Back
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| Mon, 12-11-2006 - 12:43pm |
First of all, a few weeks ago I picked up dd at the movie theater where she had gone with a group of friends she usually doesn't hang out with (fortunately). Loooong story short, she was drunk. Some kid had brought vodka into the theater and spiked their drinks. DD was very sick, throwing up, etc. She obviously cannot tolerate alcohol; we even think she may have had poisoning, her face got red and puffy (her dad can't drink much, either). I took her into the therapist for a private session; the therapist, whom she really likes and respects a great deal, set her straight. I talked with her at length; I'm making her read the book, Smashed, which she is doing, but claims she hates .
I was snooping through my dd's room recently (I will do anything to keep my kids safe and unfortunately if they are going to make stupid mistakes like these, they don't have the right to privacy, imho)and in her desk drawer underneath alot of things (like it was hidden, in other words) I found an unopened bottle of night time cold medicine. I know from my ds that some of the teens are drinking cough syrup (triple C) to get high. To me, this is the only explanation for it being hidden the way it was...
We did confront her, both dh and I as a "united front". Of course, she denied it but we were prepared for this. I don't know if I mentioned that it was an obviously unopened bottle (plastic wrapper still on it). She said if she was drinking it, wouldn't it be open? She claimed I had actually bought it for her - which if I did was a long time ago, obviously for a cold. It was actually the generic brand of Nyquil and had 10% alcohol in it, so that was another concern. I'm not sure it is the Triple C stuff,though. She was pretty resentful to us both, and kept saying things to us like, "you don't know how to talk to people." Anyway, my whole point was "why hide it" if there is nothing to hide? She said she was cleaning up her room and just sticking things in drawers. I also don't buy that, of course. Anyway, I did read her diary after finding this, for what are obvious reasons. I know she uses her diary to blow off steam which I do think is healthy. But I did find some concerns along the lines of boys, and being drawn to the alure of alcohol for the good feelings, and the drop of inhibitions. I can see I have to talk to her at length about these things, although I doubt it will do much good, but one can only hope. Obviously, we are going to keep a tighter leash on her, but I'm not naive enough not to realize that alot of this stuff goes on at school, in which case there is little I can do...My dd doesn't cry in front of us anymore, but she broke down in sobs when I asked her why she dislikes us so much, when we love her and try to give her everything she needs, etc. Guess I must have hit a nerve. I ended the discussion by telling her I love her (we both did).
There is one more thing I want to add that I found in the diary which was disturbing, for different reasons. She wrote a couple of months ago about it, even though it happened about 3 years ago because I remember the one and only time this girl came over. Apparently this girl, who now claims to be a bisexual, up with dd in her room touched her several times very inappropriately (I wont' go into details) and this appears to have been quite disturbing to dd. It seems it has taken her all this time to "internalize" this, or deal with it. Naturally, she has never mentioned it to me. :(
I don't know if she's mentioned it to her therapist, but now I feel like I should do so...I know this kind of thing is tantamount to sexual molestation. I really hate that nowadays you have to wonder whether you should let two girls go up into a bedroom together. I won't confront dd about this because I believe she would be mortified to know that I know. She put it very plainly that she is grossed out by the whole thing. She is obviously into boys.
So...now what? (insert sigh here) Merry Christmas to me....

{{{mom_dragonfly}}} You must be feeling very overwhelmed by all this and with good reason. I'm sorry for the latest revelations about dd and what's been going on in her life.
First off, I am very much an advocate of snooping if you feel there is good reason to believe your teen may be experimenting in risque/risky behaviors.
I think it's really great that you and H formed a united front to discuss with her your concerns. I agree that curtailing some of her 'out' time is in order...not as a punishment, but just as a precautionary measure. Unfortunately, as you stated, you can't transform your home into a holding cell. She eventually will be allowed to go out again and you eventually will have to trust her to some extent to make better choices.
In regards to the cough/cold medicine, yes, I've heard of kids drinking various medicines to get high. It is possible that you bought it in the past and she just threw it in a drawer - my dds' do that all the time. I probably have 5 different packages of meds or ointments that are either unopened or half used all over the house. When my girls are cleaning thier rooms, they don't bother to walk the 4 feet to put it in the medicine cabinet but instead just throw it into a vanity or dresser drawer - it's called laziness. That doesn't mean your dd's lying or not lying - that's your call. You know her best.
I really have a problem with overt suspicion when it comes to parents and teens. I really think if you want more open or better communications, you sometimes have to keep the information you know to yourself and find less obvious ways of helping dd. If she's constantly under the microscope or feels like no matter what she says, you're not going to believe her, then where's the incentive for her to talk with you openly or confide in you?
It's possible there is a connection between the incident with the girl 2 years ago and her interest in drinking or getting high - she may be escaping emotional trauma or pain from that incident. This particular topic would be one to discuss, IMO, moreso than the cough syrup (that I would have simply removed from her room). If she is indeed experiencing some residual trauma from that incident, it needs to be dealt with in a forthright manner. I wouldn't divulge that you've read her diary, but perhaps you could meet with the counselor without dd knowing and discuss your concerns with her. And let the counselor dig a little with dd to see if she can get her to talk - they are skilled at that and if she asks the right questions, dd may speak up and learn a healthy way to deal with the trauma.
On the subject of that incident...Do you think that there is any remote possibility that your dd may be confused by her own physical response to what happened? I know you said she is definitely into boys, but perhaps she's got a little confusion going on...since she was younger than, it's possible that her body betrayed her and she felt some level of excitement and that's confusing to her now. I don't know, I'm just throwing out some thoughts.
Strive for a happy holiday, a merry Christmas. Can you get your dd to help you bake cookies or go shopping? Is she buying her friends any gifts? Maybe the two of you could make a trip to the mall to pick out some cool gift bags of candy/makeup stuff and have lunch out - talking about nothing serious, just keeping it light and fun. With my dds, long car rides or walks with the dogs in the woods or lunch out can be a great ice breaker. Hugs, m_d
I'm going to get specific: it was that the girl bumped into her and "grinded" against her; that she told her she was "hot" and that she pointed and touched her crotch. I don't have any way of knowing about what you suggest, but I do hate to think that her first sexual "encounter" was a negative and confusing one...at the time, my dd was already pretty much into boys and it may not have been such a negative thing if a boy had done it, kwim?
I definitely will call the therapist and let her know. I honestly did wonder if dd had been molested at some point and wouldn't tell me. I don't know if this "counts" but my own sister went through something similar with her best friend years ago, and to hear her talk about it now (she never told anyone) she sounds like someone who was violated.
Thanks for for the hugs...
Everyone processes traumatic events differently. Some people shove everything they remember way down deep, trying desperately to ignore their thier anguish. Others deal with it in unhealthy ways. Sometimes, even the most secretive can experience post traumatic reactions without any prior warning.
You know, after my dd was sexually assaulted last year, I thought for sure that she was going to be a mess forever, never have a normal relationship with a man, etc. She was a little bit of a mess for a while. And add to that her already existing mental disorders and I swear to you, I really thought we were headed down a path of trouble. Little did I know that the sexual assault was actually the climactic moment of her manic spiraling and typical terrible teen phase! Counseling helped, and, believe it or not, H flipping out on her helped and many evenings of my sitting beside her bed and talking helped. She was starting to get a little wild at this time and never talked to me about anything. And then, whammy! This horrible thing happened and now we're closer than ever. She can now acknowledge that while the assault itself was not her fault, her behavior leading up to being in that situation definitely contributed. And I think it was difficult for her to come to that realization. Which is why she worries me so much when she begins a spiraling period, like these past couple of months.
It could be that this has nothing to do with that experience and your dd is simply acting out as a typical teen will. But in any event, I hope you have some open communication with the counselor and your dd's behavior improves.
I hope your discussion with her counselor goes well.
Sorry your DD's drink was spiked and she got sick from it. Be glad it wasn't the school that got her to admit to drinking so that a call from the principal is how you would've learned of it. And she would've been suspended and criminalized by all the parents and zero-tolerance-zealot staff members.
It sounds like it was quite traumatic for her, and for you. But I'm sure she'll learn more from your talking with her than she would from being suspended from school. And hopefully she won't suffer from adjustment disorder with anxiety and depression as my son did/is.
As far as the 3-yr-old incident with the bisexual girl goes, it wouldn't hurt to mention it to her therapist. Hopefully any touching was over clothes--that would be better than without. If she's been okay these few years, my guess is she just decided to stay away from that girl and she probably did what most of us would and say something like, "Hey, I'm not like that!" Just as we would with a GUY who moved too fast.
I wouldn't worry about the cough medicine. Maybe she heard of others who used it and she just didn't have the guts to do it herself. That's a GOOD sign. Peace to you as you go through these rough times.
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I cant recall how old your dd is ???
I have a same age female cousin who is gay. I found this out in adulthood yet, when I learned this was the case, my mind went back many years to the way we played together, the way we always went to the bathroom together, etc. Nothing like what you spoke about happened but I have to say I was a little disturbed at the recollection that she always went to the bathroom with me and was pretty graphic about body functions, etc
It might be quite normal, upon hearing someone a person knows is of a different sexual leaning, to go back and remember anything remotely related. It may have simply been the timing over any kind of working through it at this late date, KWIM?
The cough syrup? In connection with the alcohol incident? Yep, I think she was planning on drinking it and who knows how many bottles preceded it
DS2 who was heavily into pot his senior year(that I know of)had permanent markers and wite out in his car. Like he was doing homework in his car?? I mean, he didnt attend class a good part of the time.
It's tough-you want to believe those explanations and I remember being very torn about the markers and wite out(didnt help that DH has that magical thinking thing going on where you dont think about it and it doesnt exist)
I look back now and go duh-why did I have any doubt?
Edited 12/13/2006 7:43 pm ET by badfishy