16 yo step daughter claims to be gay

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
16 yo step daughter claims to be gay
7
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 3:43pm

I'm new here and I'm desperately looking for advice. Here's my story, I married my husband and his 3 kids 2 years ago and we now have a 4 month old. The x-wife left my husband and the kids 9 years ago. Here are the facts: she left without telling anyone (kids in school/daycare), she did not see them again for about a month, and shortly after, she announced she was in a gay relationship. There is talk in the family about the x-wife having mental issues, but I can't confirm that. None the less, I can't concieve any circumstance where I would leave my child and for that reason alone I have no respect for her. It was obvious to me from the time I met my step daughter that she had issues, but why wouldn't she, her mother walked out and left her. The boys have always seemed well adjusted.

Our troubles really seemed to have started about a year ago. My dh told his dd that she could not get her driver's license learners permit until she was passing all of her classes. Up until that time she always had an F in something. Every report card and progress report showed the same thing. She would not complete her assignments and was constantly tardy for classes. Along with the other typical teenager things, she has pretty much been grounded for the past year. You give her an inch, she takes a mile. This includes every kind of bad behavior imaginable including getting caught shoplifting.

Just before her 16th birthday, she declared that she was going to live with her mom. She actually thought 16 was the magic age that nulled a custody agreement. She wants to live with her mom because she talks to her, listens to all problems, and is her best friend. My opinion is that it's easy to be a buddy rather than a parent. Now the x-wife is taking my dh to court for custody. She attempted this once before, but dropped the case after her lawyer asked for more money. From my understanding, she had to borrow the money in both cases.

There have been a couple of bad aguments between my dh and I and his dd since the start of school this year. She has gone to the guidance counseler and cried about how terrible her life is and as well as to her mother. Next thing you know, the x is calling my dh up and declaring that dd is suicidal and needs treatment. So we make an appointment with a counseler. In the meantime, the x is trying to get a psychological evaluation court ordered for dd. So my dh has to go to court and tell them that he already has an appointement for her in two days. The judge denies the court order but out of decency, my dh gives the x's lawyer the name of the counseler. The next day the x's lawyer call the counseler, demanding her credentials and tells her that she will have to testify in court. She calls my dh and cancels the appointment, she doesn't want to deal with a court case and since she only had a masters level she could do that. So now we have to set up a PHD Psychiatrist, which there are none in our hometown.

The gay part actually started a few months ago, dd had listed her sexual orientation on her "My Space" profile to be bi-sexual for a little while. Being a computer geek, I know many ways to monitor internet activity. I told my dh about this, but we wearnt to concerned, because she was interested in guys at the time. It seems to be "cool" now for girls to go both ways. A few weeks ago, she was all depressed about something one day, and she finally stated the reason was she broke up with her boyfriend. A few days later, I got on the computer and she was still logged on "My Space" but accident, or maybe on purpose, I don't know. Now she is declaring her lesbianism to the whole world and the boyfriend was actuallly a girlfriend!

Is she really gay, or is it a way to be closer to her mother, I don't know? Any advice would be great, there has been so much tension in our home over the last few months, I am jsut ready for it to be over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 6:01pm

I'm very sorry that you and DH and DSD are going through this. I've never had much experience of knowledge in this area so I don't have any real advice except to say that you should continue to work very hard to find a therapist to help DSD work things out.

I wish you the best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 11:33am

It seems to me that w/ all the things you have to deal w/ (custody battle, psych, etc.) the issue of whether DSD is gay or not is the least of your problems. I know a lot of teens experiment and she may just be testing the waters and unsure of her sexuality, so I wouldn't make too big an issue about this.

Also, if your DD is 16 and wants to live /w her mother, why is your DH fighting this? Most courts will go along w/ what a 16 yo wants unless the parent the child wants to live w/ is unfit or it's obvious the kid just wants to live there cause that parent will do whatever the kid wants. I know that she walked out on the family but that was 9 yrs ago and it appears she has some relationship w/ the kids now, so why doesn't DH want her to live /w her mother?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 12:13pm

I agree with OP that you have bigger issues to worry about than whether or not she is gay. It is true that many girls nowadays are experimenting with this bisexuality thing and it is indeed a "trend" so you might want to keep that in mind, too. I guess I also wouldn't fight the custodial thing, being that she is 16. You might want to do yourself a big favor and let her live with her mom for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 2:29pm


Just to clarify, in case this wasn't a typo, you married him not his kids.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 2:41pm

Ok - I have to admit that I agree with the previous two posts.

Your first problem is her behavior - your second, where she will live, and your third - her orientation (and that is really her problem, not yours).

While you are never going to be rid of the problem of her behavior, letting her live with her mother will reduce the stress in your house - and in reality, unless you can prove that your DH's ex is unfit as a parent (and believe it or not, what she did 9 years ago will count for nothing at this point), if the child wants to live with her mother, the judge will allow it. And maybe it will teach the ex a lesson - being a parent isn't all fun and games.

So in that area, I'd not waste the lawyer fees with custody battles and just GIVE her the child - chances are, either she'll be begging to return her, or the kid will beg to come back (either of which is more easily accomplished if the custody agreement hasn't been changed).

As for her sexuality, again, the posts before me are correct - kids are lying all over their myspace profiles - it's a way to get attention (hey! How come you have "single" when we're going out?) - etc. My son is gay, single, and 17 - his profile says straight and divorced. It's a game.

It's also "trendy" right now to be gay - at least according to my sons and their friends - whether that be because experimentation is more acceptable these days, or we encourage kids to speak out, or it actually is "fashionable," I don't know - but at least 20-30% of the student body at my son's school "claims" to be either gay or bi.

On the other hand, she COULD be gay - I happen to live in a family that has four teenagers by two sisters - 3 boys and 1 girl - all three boys (raised in two different households, with two different sets of parents) are gay; the girl is straight. ALL THREE of my father's grandsons are gay - you can't tell me there isn't something genetic somewhere.

Sixteen years ago, it was still common for people to get married - pretend to be straight - and live the lifestyle. Your DH's ex could have been gay from the start and just didn't admit it to herself (and of course, to him) - so there's a distinct possiblity your stepdaughter COULD be gay.

In short, I'd address the behavior and ignore the orientation - you're certainly not going to change it, and if it's a phase, she'll work her way out of it much faster without someone hassling her about it.

Hope this helps and good luck!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 10:48am

Just to clarify a few things about the x's history. Since I have been around, she as never adhered to her visitation schedule. She is suppossed to get the kids every other weekend, but last April she declared she was going back to school and so that she would have time during the week for classes she was going to be working weekends. So my dh lets her get them during the week now. Okay, furthering your education is great, but she was going to school for the same 2 yr degree when she left and has made one other attempt at it a couple of years ago and quit. She's had nine years with no kids to do this. I spent 7 years straight working and going to school to get a 4 year engineering degree (not easy!), I had no kid's and I only worked weekends for overtime. So what's her problem?

She thinks 10 pm or later on a school night is an acceptable time to bring the kids home or sometimes even pick them up. In our home they have a 10 pm bedtime. She calls them after 10 pm at night on school nights, again no phones after 10 is our rule.

Everytime the kids visit her on a school night, they come home from school and go sound asleep on the couch. I've checked their cell phone records and they have been talking on the phone as late a 4 am on school nights when they are with her. So it's obvious she doesn't have a bedtime for them.

These are just a few examples of her track record.

We don't rule our home with "an iron fist", but we do have expectations. They have household chores and are expected to clean up behind themselves. All of the kids are involved in aftershool activities.

It's real easy to be "the cool parent", but kids at this age need to learn responsibility and have guidance and structure in their lives. It appears to dh and I that she gives the kids free reign when they are with her and sure any teenager in their right mind is going to want to live wherever they get to do as they please. We would rather fight this battle now, rather than spending the next 10 to 15 years bailing them out of jail or raising their children.

I am they youngest child from a blended family of six kids. So, I am no idiot in this situation. I know what can happen and I feel these kids have the best chance and a better opportunity to become self supportive, law abiding citizens as adults in our home.

Absolutley, my life would be a whole lot easier just to let them go live with her. I would never ask him to give up his kids. My dh evened offered her joint custody. This way, they could go live with her for a while and see how they like it. But she is demanding full custody and headstrong about proceeding with a court battle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:26am

I am going to respond to everything you wrote - please understand that some of this is from experience (although I have rules in my house, they are nowhere near as strict as the ex's, and he thinks I'M the "cool parent"--although my kids see it differently). I'm also going to play a little "devil's advocate" as well as some purely legal guidelines I've been given. I've put your words in parentheses and followed with my comments...

(Just to clarify a few things about the x's history. Since I have been around, she as never adhered to her visitation schedule. She is suppossed to get the kids every other weekend, but last April she declared she was going back to school and so that she would have time during the week for classes she was going to be working weekends. So my dh lets her get them during the week now. Okay, furthering your education is great, but she was going to school for the same 2 yr degree when she left and has made one other attempt at it a couple of years ago and quit. She's had nine years with no kids to do this. I spent 7 years straight working and going to school to get a 4 year engineering degree (not easy!), I had no kid's and I only worked weekends for overtime. So what's her problem? )

This really isn't relevant in the eyes of the law where custody is concerned - if your DH's ex changed her lifestyle and needed to reorganize her visitation to compensate for this, that's considered a good thing (whether you and I consider it that or not). The fact that your DH was willing to make this compromise for her tells the law it wasn't a problem at the time and has no bearing on custody issues.

(She thinks 10 pm or later on a school night is an acceptable time to bring the kids home or sometimes even pick them up. In our home they have a 10 pm bedtime. She calls them after 10 pm at night on school nights, again no phones after 10 is our rule. )

Again - these are just household rules - there is no guideline that indicates that a 16 year old should be in bed at 10 pm - and nothing that says coming home AFTER 10 pm is the sign of unfit parenting - particularly at 16.

I handled this a different way - my ex couldn't get my kids back to me until after 10:30 - so i told him he could either have them home at 10, or he could keep them overnight - he chose the second option and now takes them to school the next morning.

(Everytime the kids visit her on a school night, they come home from school and go sound asleep on the couch. I've checked their cell phone records and they have been talking on the phone as late a 4 am on school nights when they are with her. So it's obvious she doesn't have a bedtime for them. )

Again, as much as we may consider that "bad" parenting - it is in no way a sign of "unfit" parenting...it's just different rules. I certainly see your point, and in some cases agree with it (I don't agree with a 10 pm bedtime for a 16 year old, but that's just me) - but it's a weak argument for a custody battle for a 16 year old child. The other thing is that i would do my best to prohibit or forbid sleeping after school. A couple of nights of being on the phone until 4 am, getting up for school, and being forced to stay up until 10 pm might cure the whole "phone" thing (another point - being on the phone until 4 am is NOT unusual for teenagers - it's a frustrating situation made worse by the invention of cell phones - unless she's going to take it away at night - something I've done more than once - she can't control it).

These are just a few examples of her track record.

(We don't rule our home with "an iron fist", but we do have expectations. They have household chores and are expected to clean up behind themselves. All of the kids are involved in aftershool activities.)

All of which is fair - and as long as they're doing them - that's fine.

(It's real easy to be "the cool parent", but kids at this age need to learn responsibility and have guidance and structure in their lives. It appears to dh and I that she gives the kids free reign when they are with her and sure any teenager in their right mind is going to want to live wherever they get to do as they please. We would rather fight this battle now, rather than spending the next 10 to 15 years bailing them out of jail or raising their children. )

I understand that - and feel the utmost of empathy for you, because you can SEE what this "free reign" lifestyle would provide for your kids. Keep in mind, however, that if she were to live with her mother, and mom had her 24/7, the free reign probably wouldn't last long - and neither would the living arrangement.

(Absolutley, my life would be a whole lot easier just to let them go live with her. I would never ask him to give up his kids. My dh evened offered her joint custody. This way, they could go live with her for a while and see how they like it. But she is demanding full custody and headstrong about proceeding with a court battle.)

Any lawyer worth his salt is going to tell her that's ridiculous. Because you HAVE custody, she has to prove that you're unfit in order to get it away from you. While all the information you have on her is interesting, it doesn't prove unfit parenting in a court of law, but that's not relevant - because the burden of proof is on HER - SHE has to prove that there is a viable reason for taking the children out of your home. And it really doesn't sound like there is one - other than her own selfishness.

Your lawyer may tell you the same thing - but the ultimate key is going ot be your daughter - who WILL be interviewed, asked who she wants to live with, and why. In a case where there is no danger or harm to the child in either household, the judge will, in many cases, side with the child.

Just my 2 cents - and could be all wrong - but I know whenever my ex threatened to take the kids from me, my lawyer would tell me everything I've told you - and I would tell him - and he would drop the idea. Any self-respecting lawyer is going to tell her a custody battle isn't worth her money.