Is this Weird or is it just me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Is this Weird or is it just me?
3
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 5:42pm

Well, to make a long story short, some of you remember me posting about dd's tt friend, and her "crazy" mom. Last night, while dd and I were out, the mom drops by. When ds told the mom that dd was not home, she left her phone number with him for dd to call her "if it is okay with your mom". So, we got the message and dd called her back in front of me on my cell phone. She said she basically was telling her how "they" missed her and loved her and she was welcome to come over anytime if it was okay with me. How H. is not doing well, and will probably drop out of school, etc. After I was alone, I called her back and nicely told her that I thought it was still for the best if the girls stay apart. That my dd is not a leader (somewhat of a follower, in fact) and that I was sorry she couldn't be a better influence for H. but at this point H. would just drag my dd down right along with her. She said she understood. She said she had called my dd because "she's had friends in the past that she lost touch with and then called again several years later to say hi." Hello? Does she think she is my dd's friend? What is wrong with this woman? I got an earful since I was sympathetic to her situation (H. is truant, involved with drugs, on the streets, etc.). I honestly don't know what I'd do in her situation, but I don't think I'd take her attitude of "H is going to do what she is going to do until she's done doing it". You would be proud of me because I did get a swipe in: "yes, you are right, H. is going to do what she wants, but you are the parent and you have influence with her, use it!" And as it turns out, when H. showed up that night she had been kicked out of the house by her mom and spent the night in the truck, and various friends houses before she made her way home again. I'm sorry, but I just can't have my dd around them. I'm going to be the bad guy again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:40pm

Mom is desperate and grabbing at straws

I sympathize with her and yes, you should too! But feeling for her is where your involvement should stop IMHO-its not your dd's job to save her dd and I think you made an excellent point using the follower/leader scenario.

All of my kids, even ds2, were unbelievingly well behaved in elementary school! It always annoyed me when teachers paired them up with the trouble makers so they could be a good influence on them

I wish I had thought to use your words back then because yes, DS2 is a follower and it was the wrong position to put him in, even back in second grade! The other two seemed to handle it but the last thing that one needed was hanging with the troublemakers

Absolutely you are doing the right thing and I think the way you chose to express it was great

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:57pm

ITA with you - your job is to parent YOUR DD, not her friends. You have to teach your daughter how to manage these kinds of people in her life, and keeping your distance is a great strategy. I've talked to my DD about "toxic" people - people who bring out the worst in you - and "healthy" people who bring out the best in you.

It sounds like this mom sorta knows her dd needs help, but isn't willing/able to provide it. I think it's sad that she's wanting your DD to provide this help.

(((HUGS)) from one "bad guy" to another

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:23pm
You are not being the bad guy. You are protecting your daughter. Some people are disfunctional. This girl's mother is one of them. Some people are just not going to pull themselves out of their own self induced loser lifestyle no matter how much you try to help them. My daughter had more than a few friends who just weren't making it. I love teenagers so I made our home open to them if they needed a place to stay, fed them, got them back in school, set rules and encouraged good behavior. For some of them it worked. They just needed a "mom". For a few, nothing we did seemed to help. I couldn't help them and I couldn't let my daughter be around them. She was so good hearted that she didn't want to give up and couldn't understand why they chose to live on the edge. I sat her down and told her " Remember how I told you that we should never think we are better than anyone else? Well, I was wrong. Sometimes we are better." She learned to stay a little more distant from people who didn't have the same goals and ideals as she did. We can't save those who don't wish to be saved. We can sure save our own kids and we shouldn't ever feel like the bad guy.