Grades aren't my business?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Grades aren't my business?
22
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 1:00am
Speaking of "trying things on for size" (previous post), DD(16) has this evening informed me that her grades are her affair and she would appreciate my not looking them up online through the school website.
-Background -
DD is an A - B (occasional C) student. I have no issue with her grades or her ability to take responsibility for said grades. I don't make a habit of incessantly checking her grades or her progress. This issue came up because DD asked me to e-mail her teacher to provide permission for a field trip. The e-mail address is located in the school web site grades postings.
I noticed a D in Chemistry. I asked DD about it and she told me it was due to a two day illness creating missed daily assignments including a test that she has made arrangements to make up. All this is legitimate. She WAS sick, and I know that especially in this school, missing work can easily turn an A into an F. I am confident she will correct this back into the A/B range.
So...what do you think of this.... "request"?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 7:04am

"not your business"? I guess that gives you the right to pick and choose what other parts of her life are not your business - like whether or not she has a car to drive when she wants.....

OK, now, seriously. I could see talking to her about giving her more latitude - you don't need to know every single quiz or homework grade, if the end result is an acceptable grade (which you define). But, I'd set some parameters on it - so that it doesn't ever get totally out of control. BTW, she asked you to email the teacher - you weren't snooping or invading her privacy!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 7:34am
I have access to my kid's daily grades via the school website too, but don't check up on them very often if the report cards coming home are in the 3.0 range. N and Z have always been pretty good about taking responsibility for their own grades and pretty consistently have met that 3.0 target or exceeded it, so I stay out of their school business for the most part. N had a 2.98 last quarter, so I'm checking a little more often, but have yet to see anything that alarms me... she had a couple of missing daily assignments the first 3 weeks she and T were an "item" but hasn't had any since report card time in spite of T's bad attitude about school. I guess letting them deal with their grades as long as they do so responsibly is part of letting them gradually spreading their wings before they really fly the nest... but boy, can it be tough!
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 8:57am

Our school service is called the PIV, "Parent Internet Viewer". If we should not be checking our students grades, why would it be given that name?

DS17's grades have slipped considerably this fall and I've been checking the PIV daily. If I see that assignments have not been turned in, unless DS has a very good excuse, there'll be consequences. (In one case, he simply needed to talk to the teacher and his 8/20 was corrected to 18/20. If I hadn't questioned him about it, he never would have said a word to the teacher.) DS has been doing okay on homework, labs and class participation, but not on quizzes and tests. So we've also been talking a lot about how in college, often it's only the quizzes, exams and term papers that count toward the semester grades; and that--surprise, surprise--if one doesn't do the reading, review of notes and homework problems, there's little chance of getting As or Bs on the exams.

I've also been checking attendance. DS was tardy for calculus twice before fall conferences in Nov, prompting a chat with him at that time, when I warned him that it better not happen again. Last week he came home late one day. No explanation. I checked the PIV and he had been tardy a third time in that class and for that received an after-school detention. He was grounded on the weekend, although I did let him go to the big basketball game between our two high schools. Wasted lots of time watching TV Fri. night and Saturday night. He worked Sat & Sun, and had a play to go to and a soccer game on Sunday. Began homework at 9:30 last night and went to bed at 12:30. Don't think he finished. He's got no motivation this year and both he and I are so tired of my nagging him about homework--I pretty much quit that. When he gets his next Cs and Ds on exams, I'll just remind him of how much fun he had watching TV. Ugh!!

DS knows that his grades ARE our business. And as long as we're paying for his college/living expenses after he turns 18, they'll continue to be our business.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:39am

Well, I am of two minds on this. I find parents "micro-managing" their kids marks rather
excessive but that is just my upbringing. Once I was in high school and I was
obviously working, my father never looked at my report card. It was up to me. He treated me like an adult and responded in kind.

I operate the same with my kids. Fortunately, "daily tallies" of marks are not posted on-line at their high school. My son is working hard, he is doing the best he can. He asks for help when he needs it. That's all I can ask. He knows that he needs a certain average for university acceptance and he has shown me that he is very mindful of that. I am not going to micro-manage every assignment, every mark he gets. There will be assignments he might have trouble with but that is to be expected. He is just learning the material, after all. As long as he progresses, that's all I can ask.

So, I fully understand a 16-year-old not wanting his/her parents to "micro-manage" his/her education. It is after all their education,not yours.

It comes a time when parents have to loosen the apron strings a bit to allow their kids to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives. Your daughter has proved herself to be a good student up to now. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Avatar for cathiann
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 9:53am
I have to laugh--IMHO as long as you're supporting her, her grades are your business.


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Surviving Middle & High School
Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:22am

I have the same issue. In our case, most of the teachers email the parents the progress reports every couple of weeks or so, plus we have the online check, but it's not as reliable/updated as often. DS hates that we know how he does in such gory detail (as he just slipped in geometry to a totally unacceptable grade), yet sometimes he asks that I check ParentConnect to show what's out there prior to the emailed grades (that they get as well; all students have school-provided email so they can get their reports online). I've been told by the reading specialist to stay out of it and let dh do it (that's been interesting to say the least to date, he's just not terribly consistent in his efforts), and let ds look at ParentConnect on his own so I'm not the bearer of bad news when that's the case. So I'm doing that. But it's definitely not easy when you get emailed the details and aren't supposed to comment, per the student's wishes! Not sure what the proper balance is there, but I definitely intend to stay informed via the school.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:05pm

Well you know what I think. I am the 2-faced mask of Janus so it depends on which day you are asking me and the degree of parental-failure I'm feeling LOL!!


Of course it IS your business, but you are asking the larger question right? Unless you are a child-beater why does DD really care if you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:15pm

Anytime I try to get DH involved in the boys schooling, it simply means I end up nagging HIM instead of them. And there's fall out in the marriage. It's not worth it!

Not saying this is going to happen with you but I am curious about the reading specialist in terms of age, marital status and parenthood status?

I know there are dads out there who would jump in but IME I hear about more women who have hubbies like mine

And that same pattern is repeated with my Early Intervention families which is kind of depressing as I would have thought things might change with these 20 somethings :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:15pm

This is a rather timely post, as I have just e-mailed all DD's teachers requesting progress reports. You may remember that at the quarter, my previously straight A DD came home with straight B's and a C. I wouldn't go so far as to say I freaked out, but those grades did give cause for alarm.

I've been accused of being a 'grade grubber' (!) by my DD. I do not monitor her every assignment or grade, but do feel I need to be a little more involved now. It is unfortunate, imo, but you may also remember that she requested to attend a particular private school that we not only pay for, but is not exactly convenient in it's location and getting her to and from school is at times, challenging. My feeling is that she needs to keep her grades up to justify this.

I also know that she has an English assignment due today that she did not do. She mentioned it enough times over the weekend (because she deemed it 'stupid') that I knew about it and did not see her working on it. She seemed to feel she could get it done in the car on the way to school today. I won't even comment on that particular thought.

I guess to answer your question, no I don't feel you were out of line questioning her Chemistry grade and even though your DD is a good student, I don't think there is anything wrong with an occassional check to see assignments are being complete and grades are at an acceptable level.

HTH,
Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 12:33pm

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I'm not trying to be hostile or arguementative here, but where does one draw the line then, between being an interested parent and being a helicopter parent that makes college professors crazy? And when do kids learn to manage their own lives? We just hired a nurse who I know for a fact was managed by her parents all the way thru college, calling professors to check on grades, checking assignments, etc (also know the mom), and she is never going to make it on the floor, caring for people, if she doesn't figure out how to manage her work day better. And it's not going to be her parents that are going to loose out on this one, but her patients. Granted, they took helicoptering to the extreme, but OTOH, kids need to learn to manage themselves effectively before they ever make it to college so that it doesn't become a huge waste of money, and IMHO the best way to do that is for parental oversight of grades and homework to gradually fade into the woodwork during the high school years.

Rose

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